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A crook is burglarizing a house quickly throwing things into his bag and suddenly he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around and sees nothing and continues grabbing priceless heirlooms. Again he hears, "Jesus is watching you!"
Taken aback he shines his flashlight around the room and carefully scans the area. He sees a bird in the corner and says,"Hey, is that you? What the hell is the deal here? Are you talking to me?"
The parrot says, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber says, "Shut up you stupid bird. What's your name?"
The bird replies, "My name is Clarence."
Still ransacking the place, the guy says, "What fucking asshole would name a parrot Clarence?"
From behind him he hears, "The same fucking asshole that named the rotweiler Jesus."
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you."
"Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news hisfather had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention what he says. He's not really your father."
This artist gets hired to do a painting of his rendition of Custer's Last Stand at Little Big Horn. After about six months he finally finishes his painting and the time comes for his big unveiling. At the unveiling, all the art big-wigs and critics show up to see this painting, and when he uncovers it, the crowd sees an image of a huge cow with a halo over its head, and in the background there are thousands of indians having sex. Well the critics and everyone else are appalled and ask the artist "what the hell is this? We hired you to do a painting of Custer's Last Stand." and the artist replies, "This is my rendition of what was going through Custer's head as he came over the hill at Little Big Horn."
"I call this painting 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking indians!"
A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up....
He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again.
So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist". Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?".
You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it ...
They go on and they have sex. Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist".
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The antasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million, he called the presidents office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the presidents office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No, she replied. "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people.
All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay. There was no difference - he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day - how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well, she asked. "What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh - him, she replied. "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good."Nag", "Lardass",and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice... I wonder why)
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out.
MEN'S 43 or so RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with pet names for genitalia.
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. (Get down and suck). Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
44. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't mean it's worse. SO GET OFF MY BACK!
Superman was flying around one sunny day, and he became really bored and horny. He wanted to get have sex with a woman badly. All of a sudden, he sees Firestar on top of a building laying on her back, sunbathing.
Superman thought to himself,
"With my super speed, I could fly over Firestar while she's tanning, ram her really quickly and leave in a second. She won't even know that I fucked her."
So Superman, with his super fast speed flew over Firestar and rammed her in a mighty "swoosh". A few seconds later, Firestar says to the Invisible Man beside her:
"What the hell was that Invisible Man?" He replied,
"I don't know, but my ass is really sore now."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at
Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, November 15th, 1996.
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