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Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute blond beauty with green eyes. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what beauty could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly, bald man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head, smelling like rotten eggs, perspiration and stale beer.
"Who the hell are you!!???" the climber asked.
"Hi, I'm Cess" said the ugly fat man. Next to the man was a sign saying:
"You have reached to top, prepare to suck Cess."
Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."
Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So Little Johnny handed the test tube over.
The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio..
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different... when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. The woman went out to buy a pair of crotchless panties, thinking her husband would be turned on by them.
That night they went to bed and she went to the bathroom to put them on. She walked into their bedroom and held up her night gown, asking her husband, "Do you want some of this?"
Her husband looked at her a moment and replied, "Not if it's gonna do the same thing to me as it did to those panties."
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet: Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my dick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says, "Geez, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him, "Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so."
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door. "The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her tits."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next???"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accellerating to see what the limo can do. He gets up to about 90 mph and suddenly sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who was driving, says, "Just a moment, please, I need to call this in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief, and tells him that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and he wants to know how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" askedthe chief.
"No, Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" asked the chief.
"NO! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT?" inquired the chief, hoping the trooper hadn't been that stupid.
"No! Even more important!" replied the trooper.
"Well WHO THE HELL is it?" screamed the chief.
Exasperated, the trooper replied, "I don't know, sir, but he's gotta be a real fucking important person to have the POPE as his chauffeur!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Thursday, May 15th, 1997.
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