Funny Jokes

10. You are positive beer exists.

9. They don't push beer on you when you are underage.

8. You aren't discriminated against for your choice in beer.

7. You don't feel guilt about beer dying for you.

6. You don't have to get up early on Sundays for beer.

5. You can take beer's name in vain (As in, I'm out of fucking beer!)

4. You parents can't yell at you if you aren't interested in beer.

3. You don't have to be celibate to be a teacher of the goodness of beer.

2. You never have to memorize anything about beer.

And the number one reason that beer is better than Jesus is. . .

1. Beer can't tell you how to have sex!!

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do".

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.

"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian".

"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.

"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.

"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.

A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"

With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".

"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke."

Johnny comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!"says the mom.Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today."Dad goes up to Johnny's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...

...and both his legs fall off.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

It was a nice day on Sesame Street, as always, and Elmo was taking a stroll. He passed by a nearby building. Just then, his friend Gina walked out of the building.

"Hi, Elmo!"

"Hello, Gina! How are you?"

"Oh, just great, Elmo. Say, have you tried the food in that place?"

"What's it called? Elmo not good at remembering!"

"It's called Sleazy Joe's Cafe. What a shi..." Gina stopped herself. The vile atmosphere of Sleazy Joe's was making her use "naughty" words much more often. "I mean, it's a real nasty place. Don't go there. The food suck...uh, is gross, and there's a bunch of mean bikers in there."

"Thanks for telling Elmo that! Bye, Gina!"

"Bye, Elmo! Have a nice day!"

As Gina walked out of view, Elmo sat on the curb and thought for a while. Gina said that that cafe was a bad place. But she shouldn't be calling other things bad, what with that bad language she uses! Gina's a hypocrite! Yeah! "Yeah!" Elmo shouted. Gathering his courage, he pushed open the door and walked inside.

The place was rather dark, so Elmo couldn't see anything very clearly, even with his large muppet-eyes. It reeked of BO, liquor, and cigarettes. All around him, Elmo could see the dark, shadowy figures of large, mean people, smoking and drinking on a grim scale. Suddenly, a waitress walked up to him. She didn't know that Elmo was a muppet, nor that he was too young to be in the cafe, since it was rather dark. But Elmo could see her thin, shapely, voloptuous outline, and boy, was it a good view! She wasn't wearing anything above her waist, but Elmo didn't know. Even so, it still stirred up his little, now-hard red-haired MuppetTool(tm).

The waitress spoke. "Hello there. Would you like some beer, or booze, maybe?"

Elmo thought about what to say. He was far too young to drink. That would be wrong. But another part of his mind told him to chug all night long. Still another part thought that he should pull down the waitress's skirt and penetrate her.

"Uh...Elmo will have a beer."

"Elmo, is it? OK, sit right here, and I'll give you a beer in a minute."

She showed Elmo to a filthy table. Nervously, he sat down. Something on the seat stuck to his ass. He thought about picking it off to see what it was, but then again, he didn't want to know. Nearby, a group of thugs sat, drank, and grinned.

The waitress returned. "Here you are." She set the beer on Elmo's grimy table.

One of the thugs jumped up and grabbed the waitress's arms. Another ripped her skirt off. A third walked to Elmo and told him, "Here's the deal, you little wuss. Either you fuck this girl, or I kill her. Deal?" He pointed his gun at the waitress's head.

Once again, Elmo was lost in deep thought. Here was the perfect chance to lose his virginity! Oh, how good that sounded, but this was WRONG! Rape is wrong! Although his choad was really anticipating a good fuck, the good side of Elmo won out again.

"No! That's wrong!" And Elmo reached for the head thug's gun, but his little arm was too short. The thug swiftly pulled the trigger, but Elmo suddenly jumped at him and knocked the shot off-balance, and it hit the thug holding the waitress. She quickly kicked the punk who pulled her skirt off, sending him crashing into a table.

The head thug was pissed. NOBODY messed with the Scuzz Fuzz gang and got away with it! He leapt up and lunged at Elmo, but the waitress thrust her leg in front of him and he fell to the floor again.

She turned to Elmo. "Quick! Grab the gun!" Elmo picked up the gun, his hands quivering.

"Hurry up! Shoot him!"

Elmo's mind went into another debate. Killing people is wrong. Not good. But this bastard tried to hurt the nice girl! He DESERVES TO DIE! With that made up, Elmo raised the gun. He fired directly into the punk's forehead. Blood and brains flew all over Elmo. Yuck! Nauseated, he tried to keep from puking, but then realized that muppets can't puke. Nonetheless, he still got a major rush from shooting the thug, and it made him feel both good and bad at the same time. He liked the feeling.

"Thanks, Elmo," said the waitress. "God, I don't know how I can repay you..."

Elmo thought. Pay...money is good! But wait, this chick is naked and ripe for the picking! Sex is better! Elmo turned to the girl and spoke. "Uh...can Elmo...fuck...you?"

"Anything. Anything you want," she replied, still shaken after the incident.

-* Later *-

Elmo jumped out of bed. He was still a bit tired...after all, he *had* given that woman the fucking of a lifetime. His eyes were bloodshot, from all the beer he had chugged before he decided to start on the waitress. What a great girl...

Another bit of Elmo's rapidly deteriorating mind thought that he shouldn't call women "women" or "girls". After all, this one was so willing to nail him! He should act like women are his property! Yeah! That "bitch"...that "cunt"...that "slut"... Elmo thought of all the possible new words he could use, now that he was a major badass.

He turned around. The girl...the whore was awake, and motioned to him. He leaned closer.

"Elmo..."

"Yeah?"

"You know, you're really a nice muppet..."

"Don't try to butter me up, bitch! You're *my* bitch, and I own you! Don't forget that!"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb with me, cunt! Cut this shit out!"

"But I was just telling you how nice..."

"I said SHUT UP, BITCH!" Elmo raised his gun.

He had perforated the woman...the bitch's skull twice. She was surely dead now. Elmo felt sad. What had he done? Then he looked at the holes in the cadaver's skull. He compared the diameter of said holes to the diameter of his dick. Hmmm...

The last shred of Elmo's conscience tried to restrain him. You *murdered* this woman, Elmo! That's wrong! And fucking dead people is wrong, too! You should turn yourself in to the authorities right now! Of course, his conscience was quite weak at this time, and his dick decided the course of action for him. The last shred of Elmo's conscience was gone. It was fairly obvious that Elmo, for no reason whatever, had gone apeshit.

Elmo hid his gun in his pocket, (yes, even though Elmo doesn't wear anything, he has a pocket!) squicked the girl, and left the bedroom.

-* The next day *-

It was a nice day on Sesame Street, as always, and Elmo was taking a stroll. He passed by his favorite place, Sleazy Joe's Cafe, and walked up to a newsstand. Apparently Oscar the Grouch had bought it, and was now selling crappy newspapers and magazines that nobody wanted to read. Especially Elmo. There wasn't any porn here! Jeez, how boring!

"Well, are you gonna buy something or just stand there?" Oscar grumbled.

"Elmo can do what he wants!"

"Yes, that's true, but I need to sell this stuff to make a living, and you're not helping me!"

"Elmo don't need to help you! Elmo's a *badass!*" Elmo pulled his trusty semiautomatic from his pocket, and drew a bead on Oscar's throat.

"Hey hey there, Elmo, no need for..."

"Aaaaaack..." Oscar was dead. Elmo knew what to do. He picked up Oscar's light muppet corpse, and took it back to his hideout, an abandoned slaughterhouse. He shoved Oscar's fabric remains in a meat grinder, and ground. Green fuzz came out the other end.

Elmo chuckled with delight. Nobody would know that Oscar was dead...after all, muppets don't have blood to leave behind at a crime scene. He walked over to his new bed, a crate half- full of hay with a blanket, and curled up inside. He fell asleep thinking of who he would get next.

The answer came to him the next morning. He was rudely awakened by the Romanian-accented voice of the Count babbling "1...2...3...Oh, how I love numbers!"

Being very paranoid, (in fear of getting caught by the cops) Elmo quickly sprang out of his crate and pointed his gun at the annoying Count.

"Come on now, Elmo, vat is dis for?"

"You bastard! You woke Elmo up! Elmo had the best dream ever! Elmo dreamed that he ruled the world and killed millions of people and drinking their blood and fucking their intestines and then you come and wake me up!"

"But...I never knew dat you vere here!"

"Oh, shut up!" Elmo grinned evilly. "Now you can do one of two things. Either you suck Elmo's dick, or you die."

"Okay, all right! I vill suck your dick!"

Elmo thrust his MuppetChoad(tm) at the Count's face. Not needing to be told what to do, the Count started sucking.

"Oh yeah..." Elmo moaned with pleasure. "Ooh...Ahhhh... OH...OH OH OH OH OH YES!" He was rapidly undulating now. "YES!!" In his throes of happiness, Elmo accidentally kicked the Count, and the vampire dork went flying, eventually landing near an electrical socket.

"Oh man...You ruined Elmo's organ-asm!" Elmo still was not very good with words. "Now I *will* kill you!"

"But, no, no, I sucked your moisture missile! Please, oh, do not kill me!"

The sad, frightened cries of the Count were lost on Elmo as he drew his handy chainsaw. It had several bloodstains on it.

"No, Elmo, please do not...AAAAAAERGH!" Elmo sawed the Count's hand right off, leaving some wire sticking out. Then the idea entered his head. He grabbed the Count's wrist, and shoved it into the electrical outlet.

"AAAAAAEAAAAEAAEAAEAAAAAAAAARAGH!" The Count's body kept twitching, due to the electricity, but he was most likely deep-sixed. Elmo had another great idea. He stuck the Count's lifeless, fuzzy arm into the socket again. As the dead body began rapidly convulsing, Elmo held the Count's ass open and stuck his dick in it.

Soon, though, the electronecrophilia lost its fun, and Elmo grew restless again. He hopped into his crate, and slept.

-* A week later *-

Elmo grinned as he cruised around Sesame Street on his brand-new motorcycle. He had taken it from Gordon after killing him with a sledgehammer. Oh, how fun the past week had been! Elmo had slain Tully, Snuffy, Grover, Cookie Monster, and many other goody-two-fuzzy-feet muppet dweebs in various, equally funny ways. He had also taken care of those dumb humans, Gordon and Gina. How stupid Gina was! She had lied about Sleazy Joe's in order to keep Elmo from having fun! Rrrrrrgh...Elmo thought about brutally slaughtering Gina, but then he remembered that he had already done so, with a lawn mower.

As Elmo rounded a familiar corner, Big Bird jumped out and shouted "Hello, Elmo!"

"Hi, Big Bird!"

"Did you hear about the Mystery Muppet Maniac? He goes around and kills people! Nobody knows who he is! In fact, he just killed the Two-Headed Monster!"

Hmmmm...Big Bird seemed to know too much for his own good. Elmo revved the motorcycle again, and sped straight for Big Bird.

"Hahahahahahahaha! You dumb bastard! You don't know it! ELMO is the one! ELMO KILLS! ELMO IS GOD!"

"Elmo, what's gotten into you?"

"Shut up, bitch! I *own* you!" Elmo had abandoned his previous philosophy, that he owned women, in favor of a new one, that he owned everything. He kept speeding up, as Big Bird ran backwards, trying to convince him otherwise.

"Nice try, Big Bird, but Elmo is the One True Prophet! You cannot prevent the death! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Elmo was really speeding now. Despite Big Bird's attempts to run faster and dodge the ElmoCycle(tm), Elmo was gaining on him.

"Elmo, NOOOOOOO..." shouted Big Bird, but Elmo's spiked cycle wheel turned him into road-pizza before he could utter another moral.

Elmo kept driving, hoping to find another muppet to kill, since they were wising up to him, and staying indoors, where the "Mystery Muppet Maniac" couldn't get them. Then it hit him! He should go over to Kermit's pond with a shotgun, and...His thoughts were cut short with the blare of police sirens behind and in front of him. Several police cars blocked the road ahead before he could go any further. He did a 180, but police had blocked the other side of the road, too.

"Stop right there, Elmo! You're surrounded!"

"SHUT UP, YOU COMMIE FUCKWIT!" Elmo hollered as he drew his sawed-off Remington from his pocket. Policemen were coming closer, their guns aimed at him. What would he do now?

"Drop your weapon! Or we'll fire!"

"NEVER!" Elmo quickly turned around and unloaded two shells into the dork with the loudspeaker. Five other cops simultaneously pumped him full of lead before he could reload.

As Elmo fell to the ground, his life flashing before his eyes, he could see his mother standing above him, crying, "Why? My only son! Why did you do it?" His best friends, who he had killed over the past nine or so days, also appeared in his mind, crying and asking why he did it.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH! I ALREADY KILLED YOU!!!" Elmo shouted, as he managed to reload and shoot at the hallucinatory image of his mother, before his big muppet eyes closed.

Elmo, you are a hero to us all.

-* The End *-

hehehehehehe :) *that tickles!* *POW!*

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