This webpage has been viewed times.
**************************************
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the fucking truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
* FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg?
* JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you scratch either.
* PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By the way, your semen is not good for our skin.
* PICK UP LINES - Not!
* DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?
* HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.
* SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!
* DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.
* LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.
* HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other out of your ass.
* You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.
* You are not the shit, - I AM!
* Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
* Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.
* Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.
* Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not pregnant.
* Try matching your maturity level to your age.
* We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK YOU!!!"
* There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are you??
* Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?
* Can we go out in public? Your room does not excite me.
* Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins? (This does not include shirt sleeves.)
* WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.
* I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through life.
* BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter, then you can remember our birthday.
* What is the deal with standing in front of your mirror - naked - and thinking "Oh, what a God." Trust me you are not a God.
* Rulers were not invented to measure your genitalia - They were not made that small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and believe me, we can find him.
* Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and going to sleep.
* The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
* No, we will not swallow!!!
* It feels so good to take it in the ass. NOT!! Try it yourself, see if you like it.
* Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?
* When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.
* TIGHTY WHITEYS - Gotta go. (break it to your mother slowly)
* When you buy a PLAYBOY be sure to pick us up a PLAYGIRL.
* When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be nice.
* WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.
* GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not refering to your breathing pattern.
* HEY BIG FOOT - Nice try. We've figured it out by now that your foot size doesn't equal your dick size.
* MOTTO'S YOU SHOULD ADOPT - "A stick of dynamite with a short fuse","When you pump up the JACK it gets lost in the CRACK", "Big EATERS have small PETERS","For him... a rare MOMENT, for her..this month's RENT".
To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get the time of day, here's a note of hope..... WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.
Thanks to all the guys out there for the inspiration. "When I go, I want to go quietly, in my sleep, just like my grandfather....not screaming like the rest of his passengers."
Please, ladies, feel free to add to the list and be sure to pass it on to your lady friends, and, of course, to those special guys who need to be informed.
There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home. For his age, he was very fit and in real good shape. The doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said, " how old do you think I am?"
The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78 . The old man smiled and the doctor was amazed that this man was indeed 98 years old.
The man was walking out of the doctors office and saw a little old lady sitting, there. She was pretty gray and was all bent over. The man said to the lady, "how old do you think I am? "
She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his penis and rubbed his asscheeks. She kept this up for quite sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration.
She finally looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98. The man was stunned! He said, how could you tell?" She said , "I heard you tell the doctor."
One day President Clinton and Hillary were visiting a chicken farm in Arkansas. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Hillary passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge ifthe rooster copulates more than once each day.
"Dozens of times," was the reply.
"Please tell that to the President," Hillary requested.
When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked, "Same hen every time?"
"Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time."
The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Clinton."
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains.
As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sendinghis rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."
I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
May I see you2 pretty soon?
Don't you think I'm pretty now?
Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.
I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.
Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter. or Stop.
I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.
May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.
I would go to the end of the world for you.
Yes, but would you stay there?
Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.
Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
This needs some minor revision.
*I never actually got around to reading this.
My office hours are by appointment only.
*I like to get out of here early.
Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
*I'll be fudging your grades.
This won't be on the test.
*Nap time!
Bring the text to class.
*I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.
I'm not fully up to speed on that.
*I've got my head up my ass.
I don't have the latest department guidelines...
Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed...
*I've got my head up his ass.
Talk to the department secretary.
*Piss off.
Talk to me in my office after class.
*Get out of my face.
The tests will all be multiple-choice.
*I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.
Don't come in late during my lecture.
*I have the attention span of a fruit fly.
Save your questions until the end.
*See above.
The final will be comprehensive.
*I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
*This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.
There are two TAs available to help you.
*I can't be bothered.
This year, I'll be scaling the grades.
*I just passed tenure review.
Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
*I have a hangover.
Let's have class outdoors today!
*I had beans for lunch.
You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore.
*My contract wasn't picked up.
Please note the last day to withdraw.
*The midterm's gonna suck.
The answer to #4 is "b", and just skip #17.
*I only got around to making up the test last night.
The second list is optional reading.
*I have a rich fantasy life.
I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
*The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.
Well, it was on the syllabus.
*I'll hold you responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.
We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
*There wasn't enough money in the budget for a TA.
Bring a #2 pencil to the exam.
Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
*I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise.
Read chapters 5 through 10.
*I'm not coming in at all next week.
We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
*I screwed up on the lecture schedule.
Let's go over the exam.
*Half of you failed.
It was in the textbook.
*I pulled it out of my ass.
Extra credit is available.
*I need some scut-work done.
I'm postponing today's exam.
*There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.
Don't write on the question sheet.
*I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
This young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins. They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.
Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex". This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.
The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted.
In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.
A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said "honey, I'm sorry I denied you...we can do the laundry again if you want" and he replied "that's OK.. it was a small load, I did it by hand."
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, June 13th, 1997.
This free homepage was provided by GeoCities.
Copyright @ 1997 Robokev Inc. All Rights Reserved