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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, you stupid bitch!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
15> Star Trek: Voyager - the crew faces off against an androgynous, pasty-faced alien. Guest stars Michael Jackson.
14> On Baywatch, the gang goes uncovered to track down a graffiti artist at a nude beach.
13> This week on ER, Pauley Shore chokes to death on a tofu burrito.
12> On Star Trek TNG, hilarity ensues as Heaven's Gate members hitch a ride on the wrong spaceship.
11> Martha Stewart Special, "Nipple Clips From Recycled Aluminum Cans."
10> Katie Couric to be fitted with device that sends 220 volts through her tiny frame every time she smiles.
9> Bob Barker guest stars on a very special Frasier: "Eddie Gets Neutered."
8> Every time Dan Rather says the word "Whitewater," he has to do a shot of tequila and remove an item of clothing.
7> NBC hires new spokesperson, Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, and changes its slogan to "Must See TV, Or Else."
6> Another sweeps week, another NYPD Blue shot of Sipowicz's hairy ass.
5> New women's pro basketball league exhibition game on Fox to be played shirts vs. skins.
4> NBC News introduces new Whitehouse correspondent, Flowers the Sad Clown.
3> Brooke Shields astounds everyone by announcing she's a thespian.
2> Debut of new cop series, "T.V. Hooker", starring William Shatner and Eddie Murphy.
and the Number 1 Network TV Gimmick for "Sweeps" Week...
1> "...and now, the ABC Evening News with Jenny McCarthy."
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food.", said the clerk.
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?", the clerk asked.
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food.", said the clerk.
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.
"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.
"It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied.
"THAT'S RIGHT ASSHOLE!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with wienies a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
Mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, 'What the heck, it's only one night' and share the bed.
The next morning, they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had a fucked up dream last night. I thought some guy was jerking me off."
The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "Holy shit! I had that dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I dreamed I was skiing!"
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits", he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
The wife said: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party amd instinctively bring your bookbag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
and the #1 way to know that you are burned out by school is...
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
(M: Man, W: Woman)
M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.
M: I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then.
M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
M: Oh, just cheap perfume then.
M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
M: Is that also where you got your eyelashes and colored contacts?
M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.
M: You mean this isn't a nightmare?
M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.
M: Well, I wasn't planning on doing you HERE!
M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
M: Really? You look more like a "Yield."
M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.
M: Here's a donation to restore the exterior.
M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
M: [Looking away] Honey, there's two here!
M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
M: You're right. I was lying.
M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
M: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, July 18th, 1997.
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