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An ugly man with no arms or legs was enjoying a day out at the seaside. As he lay there sunbathing, a pretty lady came over to see him.
"Hello", she said, "you look lonely".
"I am", he replied, "no ever speaks to me"
"There there," she said "have you ever been hugged by a girl?"
"No", he replied.
So the lady bent down and gave him a nice big hug.
"Have you ever been kissed?", she asked.
So she bent down and gave him a long slooow kiss.
"Have you ever been fucked?", she asked.
"No", replied the man exitedly.
"Well", she said, "you are now because the tide's coming in".
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison the ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
*"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"
*(from the I.R.S.): We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
*"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
*I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
*The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
*C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
*We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
*Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
*The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
*(from a headline): "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
*Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
*I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
*He who laughs last thinks slowest!
*Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
*Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
*"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
*A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
*Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
*Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
*There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
*Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
*I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
*Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
*Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
*I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
*Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
*What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*Assassins do it from behind.
*If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
*Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
*Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
*Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
*I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
*Don't take life too seriously--you won't get out alive.
*I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
*Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
*When there's a will, I want to be in it.
*Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
*Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
*We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
*All generalizations are false, including this one.
*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
(1) Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? 1 point
(2) Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? 2 points
(3) Ever tried alcohol? 1 point
(4) Ever been drunk? 2 points
(5) Ever play drinking games? 2 points
(6) Ever fall down because you drank too much? 3 points
(7) Ever drink enough to throw up? 4 points
bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person 1 point
(8) Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? 5 points
(9) Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? 8 points
(10) Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? 5 points
(11) Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? 3 points
bonus: 1 point for each additional day (max 7 points)
(12) Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? 4 points
(13) Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? 4 points for each one tried
(14) Do you do drugs regularly? 4 points
bonus: at least 4 times a week 4 points
(15) Ever bought soft drugs? 4 points
(16) Ever sell drugs? 8 points
(17) Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? 12 points
(18) Ever used barbituates? 8 points
(19) Ever used hallucinogens? 8 points
(20) Ever used nacotics? 10 points
(21) Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? 8 points
(22) Ever been on a date? 2 points
(23) Ever been felt up, groped? 2 points
bonus: to orgasm 2 points
(24) Ever had sexual intercourse? 6 points
(25) Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? (Or same sex if you're gay) 5 points
(26) Ever paid for sex? 8 points
(27) Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? 4 points
(28) Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? 8 points
(29) Ever engage in oral sex? 4 points
(30) Ever engage in anal sex? 6 points
(31) Ever engage in the 69 position? 4 points
(32) Ever contract an STD? 12 points
(33) Ever had sex without a contraceptive? 4 points
(34) Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? 12 points
(35) Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? 4 points
(36) Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? 9 points
(37) Ever had sex in a public place? 6 points
(38) Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? 4 points
(39) Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? 10 points
(40) Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? 8 points
(41) Ever used sex toys? 6 points
(42) Ever pass out during sex? 5 points
(43) Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? 4 points
(44) Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? 3 points
(45) Ever bought something in a sex shop? 3 points
(46) Ever licked or have someone lick an eyeball--1 point toes---2 points ears---1 point
(47) Ever have sex with a relative? 5 points
(48) Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? 6 points
(49) Does necrophelia, pedophilia, or beastiality turn you on? 20 points
(50) Ever been arrested? 8 points
bonus: If convicted 7 points
SCORING
0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.
21-40 You barely make our scale.
41-60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.
61-100 Normal, you use your right hand like everyone else.
101-130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt.
131-160 You're enjoying life to the max.
161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?
200+ You're going straight to hell.
What do women and spaghetti have in common?
---They both squirm when you eat them.
What's 69 and 69?
---Dinner for four.
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
---Because their peckers are on their faces.
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
---Being fingered by Captain Hook.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
---Crabs on your organ.
Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
---One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.
What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
---About 4 inches.
When does a cub become a boy scout?
---When he eats his first Brownie.
Whats the difference between Like and Love?
---Spit and Swallow.
How does a women hold her liquor?
---By the ears.
Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
---Jelly beans come in different colours.
What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
---The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
---So they don't whistle on the way down.
How can you tell a macho women?
---She rolls her own tampons.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
---They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
---There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
How do you recycle a used tampon?
---As a tea-bag for vampires.
What do elephants use as tampons?
---Sheep.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
---Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
What do you do in case of fallout?
---Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
What's better than a rose on your piano?
---Two lips on your organ.
What is the definition of pure agony?
---Fucking a meat mincer!
What's a 68?
---You do me, and I'll owe you one!
Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
---Because Ronnie can only fuck up.
Why do women have two holes so close together?
---In case you miss.
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
---Look for dandruff on her shoes.
What's the ultimate in rejection?
---When your wanking hand falls asleep.
What is organic dental floss?
---Pubic hair.
What are the three greatest lies?
---a)the check is in the mail
---b)small is beautiful
---c)I won't come in your mouth
Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
---A :When you open her legs the lights go on
Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
---A. Feels on Wheels !
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat(b) eggs(c) wife(d) blowjob.
---Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blow job.
Why is a woman like a dog turd?
---The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet?
---A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
---Fucks funny!
Q: What do you call grit in a condom
---A: An organ grinder!
Q: What's green and eats nuts?
---A: Herpes!
Why did the condom fly across the room?
---Because it got pissed off.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
---He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
---A. They are both fucking close to water!
Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?
---A. They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car?
---Neither has he.
Why are camels called ships of the desert?
---Because they are filled with Arab semen!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
---What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to EAT!
Why is a pool table green?
---Well, if someone racked your balls, you'd be green too.
Lawyer : Well Mr. Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce
---Mickey : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was f*cking goofy.
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
---Doctor: Yes ... you're fucking crackers.
Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!'
I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks...
---Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
------She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVER SATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AERO SOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
"Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
J.F.K.
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, February 11th, 1997.
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