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There's a young guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day. One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his penis, which is fish-belly white. He immediately decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.
A while later, after sunrise, two elderly ladies arestrolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his johnson sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his tool around with her cane. She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world."
Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?"
The cane-wielding lady says: "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son says "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."
The father says, "Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours."
1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?
7. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
8. Me and you would add up better than a Riemann sum.
9. You're sweeter than glucose.
10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?
12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
16. I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.', The breakfast was my idea."
1) Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2) Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
The local bar was so sure that it's bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon over to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one or more drops of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) , but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,"i'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay, " grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?" Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man smiled, "I work for the IRS."
(This one is best told with a German accent in the appropriate places.)
During World War II, an American Fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and taken to a POW camp. Regrettably, his injuries were so severe that his left leg had to be amputated.
The pilot spoke to the Commandant of the camp, saying, "I have a request. I would like my leg dropped over Allied territory during your next bombing run. I don't want it buried on German soil." The Commandant thought for a moment, then said "Yes, you are a brave pilot, this ve vill do for you."
A short while later, the other leg, having developed gangrene, also had to be removed. The pilot made the same request to the Commandant, who agreed once again to drop his limb over Allied territory.
Another week went by, and the pilot's left arm, also having been injured, was amputated. The pilot asked if his arm might be dropped into Allied territory.
The Commandant said, "No! This ve vill no longer do for you!"
"But why not?" asked the pilot...
The Commandant replied, "Ve think you are trying to escape!"
A man complained to his friends. "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Dont do that! Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and then tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The compute started making some noises and the various lights flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a piece of paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW
SOAK THE ARM IN WARM WATER
AVOID HEAVY LABOR
IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS
Later that night while thinking how amazing new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some water, a stool from his dog and a urine sample from his wife and daughter. To top it off. he masturbasted into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, locstded, machine, poures in the samples and deposits his money. The machine made the sound again and printedout the following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD
GET A WATER SOFTNER
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS
GIVE HIM VITAMINS
YOUR DAUGHTER IS ON DRUGS
GET HER INTO REHAB
YOUR WIFE ID PREGNANT
IT AIN'T YOURS--GET A LAWYER
AND IF YOU DONT STOP JERKING OFF
YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three guys are sitting around in a bar one night, recalling their drunken exploits from the previous week. They decided that they'll each put money into a pot and whoever had the worst experience will collect.
"I was so drunk last Friday night," recounts the first guy, "that I came home and blew chunks."
"Throwing up is nothing," says the second fellow, "I drank at least a dozen beers and a half-dozen shots, and came home so blasted I went in the wrong apartment and slept in my neighbor's living room."
"You guys are both so tame," says the third guy. "I was so polluted, that I ended up dancing on the roof of my apartment building naked until the sun came up!"
There's a murmur among the bystanders that this indeed tops them all..
Surprised the first guy says: "Wait a minute, guys. You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
This fellow died and went to hell.
The devil met him and told him that he had the choice of spending eternity in one of three rooms.
The fellow said, "Well, let's take a look at the first room." In it were thousands of people standing on their heads on a hard concrete floor.
The fellow thought, "Uh oh! This isn't any good; standing on my head on concrete for the rest of time."
He told the devil to show him the second room.
In it was the same situation, thousands of the damned standing on their heads.
This floor, however, was made of pine wood.
The fellow thought, "Well this is a slight improvement."
He asked to see the third and final room.
In it were thousands of people, standing on their feet, knee deep in dog poop, talking with each other and drinking coffee.
The fellow thought, "Well standing in dog poop isn't nice, but it sure beats standing on ones head on a hard floor."
He told the devil that he'd take the third room.
The devil said, "OK, you will spend eternity in here."
Then he shouted to the thousands, "OK , coffee break is over. Everyone, back on your heads!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Friday, January 24th, 1997.
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