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These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the manıs broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after Iıd gone to bed, the farmerıs beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine.
"Are you sure?", she asked.
"Iım sure", I said.
"Isnıt there *anything* I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not", I replied...
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him. Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notes that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task the next day. As soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."
"Your sister?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says, "Hey, I *told* you I was sick!"
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child." says the doctor.
"But that's impossible!" exclaims the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college
B - Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D - Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F - Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G - Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and chugging beers
H - Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I - Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home
K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O - Officer: Person usually responsible for ending any party, tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 21
P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!)
R - Reform: What you promise God you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T - Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U - Underage: Most of the drinking population at any given college
V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W - Worm: The part of tequila that reminds you of biology class tomorrow
X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend
Z - Zoned: Your condition for the next 12 hours following drinking
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Harvard I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Cal, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sink so the door, muttering to himself, "At Stanford, I learned not to piss on my hands!"
This ship goes out to sea and starts to sink. Six people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad. On the sixth week, it's becoming unbearable for the men.
So... on the seventh week they finally decide that sex with the woman isn't as good as before so they decide to bury her.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at Robokevman: Crime Prevention Unit / robokevman@geocities.com
This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, May 6th, 1997.
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