Funny Jokes

This webpage has been viewed times.

1997: A New Year

*********************************

A Joke - St. Peter

Hong Kong Dong

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

The guy promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with the country's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" the man inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes."

"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

There was this bar in need of a piano player so the manager hung a "Piano Player Wanted" sign in the window. An hour or so later a man walks in and asks to audition. The manager says go ahead and play something. The man sits down and begins to play the greatest music the manager has ever heard. Tears are welling up in his eyes as the man ends the song. The manager tells the man that that's the best thing he's ever heard and asks for the name of the song. The man says, "I wrote that song. I call it "Two queers taking it in the ass."

The manager winces but before he can say anything the man starts to play an even more beautiful song. This time when he ends the manager is weeping. Wiping away a tear he tells the man that that's the loveliest song he's ever heard. The man says, "I wrote that song too. I call it "Six guys doing one really fat chick." The manager winces agin but comes to a solution. He tells the man the job is his but he must never tell the customers the names of the songs. The man understands and agrees to start the next night at 9:00 pm.

The next night 9:00 pm rolls around and the man hasn't shown up. At 9:05 he comes charging through the door with his tux shirt unbuttoned, his fly open and his dick sticking out of his pants. He races over to the piano and proceeds to play the most beautiful music anyone has ever heard. The manager calls one of his waitresses over and tells her to tell the man that his fly is down and his dick is sticking out of his pants. The waitress makes her way over to the man and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your fly is down and your dick is sticking out of your pants?" The man replies, "Know it, I wrote it!"

Cindy Crawford is flying on a commercial airplane when it goes down into the ocean. She awakens to find herself washed ashore on a small tropical island. After searching for other survivors, she discovers only one man washed up on the beach with her. He was just an average guy. Nature took its course and they became friends and eventually lovers.

Months passed. One day, Cindy asked if she could do anything to spice up their sex. "Well," the man said, "now that you mention it, there is one thing." "What is it?" she asks. "Could you put on my pants and shirt?" said the man. She does what he asks. Then he asks her to put on his tie. Then he tells her to put on his hat and put her hair up under it.

"Now, do you feel like a guy?" he asks. "I guess so." "Just like one o' the guys?" "Yes, yes, now what do you want me to do?" Cindy says. The man looks around, pauses for moment, then leans foward to her ear and whispers, "Hey buddy, just between you and me, I'm fucking Cindy Crawford."

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small,high,voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"

The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin' it?

The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."

The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"

The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.

The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"

The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children."

The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is suck my penis."

The nun looks around....sees that they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her.... so at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids.

And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

One day, little Tommy walks into the local whorehouse, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him. He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please Maam, I'd like a girl." "Go home honey" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young for this."

Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $50 bill which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right," comes the reply as the $50 vanishes.

Tommy starts to climb the stairs when he suddenly runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another $50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.

Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string, and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad will take her home and sleep with her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mommy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mommy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

Please View My Guestbook

If you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to email me at

Back To Kevman's Movie Domain

This Homepage Was Last Updated On Tuesday, February 11th, 1997.

This free homepage was provided by GeoCities.