THERE have been misguided attempts to co-opt Kenickie into some spurious Teen-C/lo-fi/punka revolution (which, if you listen to the lyrics to "Punka", is hilarious).
Marie: "Dweeb? Bis?"
Lauren: "It's shit, isn't it?"
Marie: "The thing is, Simon, we fall into this trap a lot. But as far as I'm concerned, Tampasm are an embarrassment to the rest of the world."
X: "I dunno, I think their name's quite canny, a pun on the words Tampax and orgasm."
Lauren: "It's really tragic that they've called themselves that, because they've obviously experienced a Tampax-related orgasm.
X: "But think of the possibilities. Taspasm Unplugged."
Marie: "We have so much more in common with Shirley Bassey and The Ronettes than any of these bands."
Lauren: "I don't have anything in common with Shirley Bassey. I've got loads in common with Iggy Pop and Blondie and the Manics and ..."
X: "There are no other bands. The only music that exists is ours." The last person to say that was Jaz Mann.
X: "Marie is the new Babylon Zoo."
Marie: "Damm straight."
Lauren: "It's the silver skirt."
X: "She's the girl with the X-ray thighs."
'We are four people, and four people equals a square, and a square is impenetrable' - Johnny X
IF one thing about Kenickie betrays their age, it's this: they still believe they're INVINCIBLE.
X: "That's the Marie stance. She is the God of Thunder."
Marie: "Damm straight."
But life has a habit of beating that out of you. Haven't you noticed yet?
X; "Hey, party pooper!"
Marie: "I actually believe we are invincible. OK, it's taken for granted you're gonna die, bad things happen, but we're clever enough to get past that."
Emmy-Kate: "I'm not saying I've had a terrible life, but in recent years some very scary, bad things have happened around me and because of that it makes its easier to see how funny everything else is."
Lauren: "We're invincible because we've already won. Stitched like a kipper. We only wanted to have some fun, and we are doing. It doesn't matter what else happens."
X: "We've mattered to some people - that's all that matters."
Lauren: "I don't want to matter to anybody."
Marie: "I want to matter to everybody."
MOST intelligent people, especially of your age, wear their intelligence like a curse. As if it obliges them to seriousness, therefore solemnity, therefore misery. How have you escaped that?
Marie: "Because people who are serious all the time are a bunch of f***ers. All yer arty sixth form students going, 'I'm so clever ...'"
It's a sign if insecurity. They feel they need to prove how deep they are, at all times.
Lauren: "People who are needlessly poncey? It's very rare that being intelligent and not being this self-important asshole combine as one. It's not often the case that intelligent people can laugh at themselves. But life is funny. Life has funny stuff."
Rather than settle for being either a serious band or a "funny" band, Kenickie have bravely opted to be eight different bands at once.
X: "We are passionate about things. I don't want people to think we're are just about beer and shagging, but Crispian Mills is supposed to be on a higher spiritual plane."
Marie: "Silence!"
Emmy-Kate: "A lot of our songs, people are quite surprised when they realise ..."
Lauren: "My shoe's broke! Oh, sorry."
Emmy-Kate: "... that they're quite sad. Just because we don't see why you can't enjoy yourself on stage, and talk in between doing your serious songs."
Lauren: "People think we are flippant because we're not subservient to the audience."
X: "We're not flippin' the audience."
At the moment, the world loves Kenickie. but aren't there audiences who don't find it all so charming?
Marie: "Oh, yeah. All our early audiences. If we have a really offensive audience, we just don't do that."
X: "This is gonna sound really wanky, right, but when these three are crackin' on with each other, it's for each other's benefit."
Emmy-Kate: "These two are really good at working an audience round."
Lauren and Marie are, indeed, the most skilled onstage raconteurs this side of Jarvis Cocker.
Lauren: "But, in Dundee, they had their arms folded, like, 'We live in the North, there is no time for jokes.'"
X: "'We must go and buy more coal.'"
IS it a boy thing, this over-demonstrative seriousness?
Marie: "I don't think so. There were some miserable c**ts in our class as well."
But in rock it always has been, from Morrissey through to Dickon Out Of Orlando.
X: "I'm not slagging Dickon, but the others are all kind of pseudo-intelligent. The sort of people who went to amateur dramatics classes."
Emmy-Kate: "I went to amateur dramatics classes and I'm lovely! But, right, the reason it's always lads is that they have the most opportunity to show it."
Marie: "We're like a parody of intelligence. We say something we know is clever, but is also the piss-funniest thing in the world."
Anybody with half a brain realises that humour is a gauge of intellect anyway.
Lauren: "Dickon is very clever but he just doesn't have ... an earth sense of humour, anyway."
Emmy-Kate: "Leave 'im alone!"
X: "Leave us alone, says man from Saturn."
THERE are two kinds of good-looking people. 1) Those who are born pretty, and are told so every day of their lives. 2) Those who, at some point, decide to be good-looking. I imagine Kenickie - pop stars from the moment they wanted to be - are the latter.
Lauren: "When I was about 14, there was this lad I really fancied. And I wasn't a wallflower or anything, I was quite loud ..."
X: "A loud wallflower. One of those dancing ones, in a Coke can."
Lauren: "And I had to watch while this girl chatted him up. I thought she's stupid, she's not pretty, how can she do it? So I just hacked my hair off, bleached it blonde, and started dressing like a real fashion fascist: 'I must look like Debbie Harry.' I had a picture of her on my wall. When one of my friends said, 'Is that a picture of you?, I knew I'd won. Then someone ruined it by saying I looked like that girl from Fleetwood Mac."
X: "She looked like Mick Fleetwood."
Marie: "You are 11 years old. You are me. And you are the big brother of your entire family. And your only curly-haired role models are Sonia and Brian May. And you don't like either of them. There is a point when you think, 'I am the master of my own destiny. I will make myself fancy by blinding them with spangles.' By using every traditionally fancy thing in the world, I would make myself either fancy or ... freakish. It's a thin line between fancy and freakish."
X: "Francy!"
Lauren: "I walk that line."
Was dressing up a reaction against your surroundings?
Emmy-Kate: "Getting dressed like we do, ridiculously dressed up, was a religious thing: I really want to wear this gold dress, even if the only place to wear it is the indie club on a Friday night."
Lauren: "I didn't want to be a star as such, I just wanted to be a face. I wanted that Friday feeling to last all my life."
X: "That Crunchy feeling."
Marie: "We wanted to look like Fifties film stars. And if that means old men call you Ruby and think you left them during the war, then so be it."
KENICKIE are, basically, indie kids who've realised that being an indie kid is a bit of a crap thing to be.
Lauren: "Well, I never liked Shed Seven. My favourite bands were Sparks and Gary Numan. But you have a limited choice. If you listen to music, and it's not Clock, you tend to be an indie kid. Which covers everything from Afghan Whigs to Shampoo."
Marie: "I think being an indie kid is a noble pursuit. I like it more intensely than any of the other so-called indie kids. I probably like more shite than anybody. But that does not make me a sad individual."
Emmy-Kate: "You can like yer Suedes and yer Genes ..."
Marie: "Yer Ocean Colour Scenes ..."
Emmy-Kate: "Yes, all right, Marie, and even yer Kula Shakers ..."
X: "Can I just say I don't like any of those bands?"
Emmy-Kate: "But the point is, you like Frank Sinatra as well."
'Kill El Presidente. Kill El Presidente. The King is alive. (Start singing the 'Addams Family' theme, with glasses and spoons). He's back!' - Kenickie , into tape recorder, while journalist is briefly absent
YOU'RE very good at being Kenickie, aren't you?
Lauren: "I tried to be Cast once."
Marie: "I tried to be in 'Cats' once."
X: "We have tried to be The Bee Gees."
Lauren: "Me and Marie singing in really high, scary voices. Montrose was going to be John Travolta. Johnny X was the bird."
Marie: "Can I just say that I agree with only 30 per cent of what has been said over the last hour? The kids need guidance."
X: "But Marie ..."
Marie: "No, no, no, they do! They need to hear it. It's a need thing, not a want thing."
'Their name's quite canny, a pun on the words Tampax and orgasm' - Johnny X on Tampasm
X: "Do you know what Marie would be really good as? One of those Shock Jocks they have on the radio."
Marie: "They need to realise how life is better when you're spangly! How important it is to make everyone go WOW!"
Lauren: "How a Wonderbra can make things better."
The thing is - oh, I've forgotten what I was going to say.
Marie: "Exactly! That's because I'm right."
THERE'S a lot of self-hate in your songs, Lauren.
"Well, y'know, everyone feels like that some of the time. I feel like that lot of the time. It's cos, when I was little, I was always tall and quite fat as well. So I always felt more like a boy than a girl. Oh God, I almost said, ' I'm a boy trapped in a girl's body!' But I was like a complete man. I felt like I should walk into rooms, spin chairs around and sit on them backwards like that (mimes a macho cowboy stance), 'It's only me, ladies!' I always felt special ..."
She makes the word "special" sound like an incurable ailment.
"I always felt more intelligent than anyone I knew, I found everyone else really childish. But I didn't want to be clever and different and special."
Being tall when you where younger - well, not that you're short now or anything - must ...
"Yes! My gigantism was cruelly reversed! A twist of nature that no doctor could have anticipated. I'm only three feet one inch! (Mimes being a dwarf). I stand and cry."
... must have made you feel like you were growing old before your time.
"Yeah. I don't feel old. .. but sometimes I feel really down and miserable, like an old woman, middle aged."
You seem quite physically frail. (Kenickie's first tour was cut short when Lauren developed a kidney problem. I once saw her struggle to lift a bowling ball).
"I am. I didn't used to be. I used to be quite robust and healthy, but then I stopped. So I'm always very aware of illness. I think it's all linked ..."
Do you ever think you're not cut out for all this?
"Touring and stuff, sometimes I think I can't do this, I'm too ill. I never think I'm not cut out for writing songs. But sometimes I catch myself: 'What am I doing?' There are some really weird moments. I was on the back of this limo-bike recently, rushing through the London traffic, and thinking, 'This is my job?!' Then I arrived, and we were on the Children's Channel, miming to these 500 eight-year-olds in Lambeth, and I'm thinking, 'Whose life is it anyway?'"
A lot of the imagery on "How I Was Made" (the flipside of "Come Out 2 Nite") reminds me of Kurt Cobain on "In Utero": blisters, callouses, bodily fluids.
"Hmm. (Pause) It went off in my hand."
There's always a comic twist with you isn't there? It could have saved Kurt ...
"With a wry smile and a little wink, he would have been fine. Smile, though your heart is aching ..."
IF Lauren songs are all about how shit she is, Marie songs are all about how great you are.
"This happens as a direct result of me being an arrogant cow and reckoning she is great," says Marie. "And not being content to keep this to myself. Because the world is missing out if they don't hear how great we are. Because no one is gonna tell 'em. But I do sing sad songs sometimes."
You've said before that you love robots "because they have no guts". But from the lyrics to "Robot Song" (a Romo-inspired epic from the forthcoming album, featuring Marie on scary Dalek vocoder), it seems that what you really admire is the fact that they have no feelings.
"Yeah. Originally, I wanted to write a song about robots because robots are cool. Then I thought it through, and realised robots don't have such a great time, as far as I can see. In the song, it wants feelings, it gets them, but they drive it mad and that's how it dies."
A life undisturbed by emotions. It's something to aspire to.
"I think you should be like Marge Simpson, and crush all emotion and anger into a small, tight ball at the pit of your stomach until you get used to it being there."
Do you have violent revenge fantasies?
"Of course. There are a lof of people I would like to maim, if not kill, but being a responsible citizen of this planet, I shall not be doing so in the near future."
What usually provokes you?
"Some things make you feel righteous indignition, which make you go, 'This must be stopped,' and other things make you go, 'F***ing ... Grrr! I'll slap their face!' Then there are fashion crimes, which is where it's a good thing I do not own a Kalashnikov. But I am not capable of true violence."
I'm not sure whether to believe you.
"Think what you like." Even if it was clean, distinct and anonymous? If there was just a red button you had to press?
"No. Because there's nobody I hate that much. Besides, it takes the pleasure out of it, having a button to press so you can't even see it. It's a waste of time! Half of the motivation has to be to see their little puppy dog eyes."
How do you feel about your media image?
"The Wonder Slut! (Puts fingers across eyes, miming a superhero mask). 'Here she comes, walking down the street ...' It's not based on any truth. Normally. The Daily Star questionnaire was made up from beginning to end, but that made us realise what the nation thought, cos it was based on the sort of things they thought I might say: 'nookie', and suchlike. Which is preposterous and ridiculous because if you're the most sex-crazed nymphomaniac in the world, if someone asks you a question like, 'Where are you going now?', you're gonna lie. The shops, or something, not 'Shag', shag, shag!' And it's not that different in the music press, is it? But there's never any proof of me as Wonder Slut. It's probably got a lot to do with the way I look. Which isn't particularly gorgeous or anything, but it's definitely verging on a stereotype , you know?"
Mmm.
"I conduct myself with nothing but the utmost decorum at all times and yet ... You should hear the noises I get when I walk past : 'Hmmm, oooh, aaah,' it's like a bloody 'Carry On' film. It can be interpreted as a good thing by some people, a bit cool, like 'one of the lads, but a girl', but they can't .. they don't ... I mean, GOD!!!"
EMMA, why are all your songs about dinner ladies who look like walruses?
"Maybe I'll write more songs with time. It's just because Lauren and Marie are so good at it. When we formed the band, I went away on holiday, and when I came back, it was like, 'Hello, Emma, we've written all these songs, and you've got two weeks to learn them, cos we've got a gig.'"
How happy are you with being known as The Quiet One?
"I find it quite amusing cos I'm not really very quiet at all. I've never thought of myself as a shrinking violet. I know that by being in a band with Lauren and Marie, I can seem quieter. But compared to normal people ... "
Two vicars for parents: you're a tabloid expose waiting to happen, aren't you?
"I know! I can just see it now! 'Rebelling Daughter Of Two Vicars In Strip Tease! Montrose was locked up and whipped on sackcloth as a young child, she used to go down the soup kitchens with Mummy and Daddy Montrose, she then ran away to the circus, and joined The Kenickies. 'The tabloids love anything to do with vicars: 'Vicar's Grandchild In Being Knocked Over Shocker!' But since I'm The Quiet One, there's nothing to know, is there? Nothing to see here ..."
ARE you satisfied with your position in Kenickie, Mr X?
"No, I'm never satisfied. You should never be complacent. It's good to be ... unsettled and disturbed. I don't like it if people think, 'Oh, he's just the drummer, 'but what can you do? Those are the cards you're dealt ... It's pretty fluid anyway, We don't have assigned roles. Emma can play other things, and I can play everyone else's instruments. Some people assume I play all the instruments, just cos I'm a bloke. That happens less now we've played a few gigs and they can see we can play and there aren't tapes rolling, or hidden musicians behind the drapes."
Like the Wizard Of Oz. You pull back the curtains ... and Fluffy are playing.
"Richey, Kurt Cobain and Keith Moon."
What's it like having your kid sister as, effectively, your boss?
"Yeah ... Well, she is. Her being taller than me helps. It's a height thing. It's a Reverse Napoleon thing."
When did she start being taller than you?
"God, this is really depressing, but from the age of about 13. The doctor said it was because I had asthma when I was a kid. But that just sounds like genetic sour grapes: 'I could've been as tall as Lauren!' We used to go to pubs in Sunderland, and I got asked for ID, but she always got served. Anyway, small people are cooler."
How do you feel about your status as the comedy member of Kenickie?
"Hahaha! Oh God. That's why I stopped doing interviews. I could just see me and Carl Bevan on a collision course, we'd combine and form one huge six-armed comedy drummer species. Anyway, I'm the only one who's going to university!"
"I have intellectual weight behind my drumming skills."
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