Party girls KENICKIE leave stick-in-the-mud drummer Johnny X at home in Sunderland and head off for a day out in London. Kate Hodges picks up the tab.
2pm: Kenickie Central, London
Sky meets Kenickie in the offices of their record company, deep in the heart of tourist-sleaze hell, Soho. The triple-headed quip machine that is Marie Du Santiago, Lauren Le Laverne and Emmy-Kate Montrose - real names, they assure us - are poring over fan mail, Valentine's cards and messages of adoration. One fan has sent the band pictures of his bedroom, which is plastered from floor to ceiling with pictures of the straight-outta-Sunderland gang. The girls heartily approve.
Lauren (18, vocals) is the fiercely-intelligent, milky-skinned lead singer. Her speech is littered with phrases that sound as if they've been scripted by some divine overlord of comedy. Marie (18, lead guitar) is outgoing and friendly, constantly chatting to anyone who'll listen. Emmy-Kate (18, bass guitar) is quieter, but just as consistently amusing as the others. Johnny X (21, drummer) is not here, up to "secret business" (ie, university lectures) up in Sunderland.
It's all go here in Kenickie Central. Emmy-Kate busies herself sending out records to a radio station in Bosnia. "I read about it in a magazine." she says. "They can't get hold of stuff to play and they've asked people to send things over for them. So we are!" She goes over the cupboard where the singles are kept and grabs a handful. After getting the others to sign them she lovingly puts them into a padded envelope. "Oh no, one of the cases is cracked," she suddenly cries. "I don't think," deadpans Marie, "that after four years of being bombed they're gonna mind a cracked CD case too much".
3pm: And they're off! We drag the girls away from being made up. "Oh, it is nice having a make-up artist who is skilled in the art of glittery eye-shadow," signs Marie appreciatively. And then it's off to the Rock Circus, beloved of German tourists gawping glumly at wax effigies of Status Quo. Kenickie are genuinely excited about the prospect of getting closer to some of their "rock" heroes. They dash around looking at all the models. Lounge-lizard Bryan Ferry is the first to be Kenickie-fied. "I am now feeling his arse," declares Marie. "And I am pleased to announce that it has a very real arse feeling. They've done a good job, you know. Anyway, I've felt it - that's one ambition realised." George Michael is next. "I want your sex," purrs Lauren, as she licks the Greek god's ear. "I just want everyone to stop what they're doing and look at George's shoes," shouts Marie. "They. Are. Dis-gus-ting. And I'd just like to say that he has a real arse too."
3.15pm: The great Elvis Presley dry ice show. Kenickie are shouting: "Bring on the King, bring on the King..."Elvis has entered the building - through the floor. Every quarter hour a model Elvis rises, surrounded by dry ice, from inside a plinth. And Kenickie are very excited. Emmy-Kate's eyes mist over. "I love the King," she sighs. "Emmy-Kate will get into the podium and arise with Elvis the next time around," whispers Lauren. "She doesn't mind the
danger." We move on to Marc Bolan: "I think that he is my father," says Marie. "See, he wears the same shiny clothes and his hair is somewhat similar." The girls flick V's and give some 'tude around Johnny Rotten. We spot Brian "Beach Boys" Wilson model sitting woodenly on a bench. "I came here before once with Johnny X when I was 12. I've got a mental picture of Johnny X looking like a sulky teenager next to Brian Wilson," says Lauren. "I bet he announced the names of everyone as he went past them," says Marie, putting on a sulky, muso voice. "'That's Pete Townshend ... James Brown ... Brian Wilson of course ... Ah yes. Francis Rossi ...'"
Next up is the "Wall Of Hands" - casts of musicians' paws where the band compare mitt measurements with the great and the good of the rock glitterati. "See, I have similar hands to Jarvis Cocker. We have the same shaped fingers," Marie says.
3.30pm: The Rock Circus animatronics show.
"We must see the robots," asserts Lauren as we make our way to the front of the queue.
"The best part was when the David Bowie model came on. He looked like Neil Kinnock in a space suit rotating sideways." - Lauren at The Rock Circus
The animatronics show is a spectacle: the audience sit on a bench in a mini-movie theatre and are transported to various different stages to see a number of robotic pop stars go through their motions. The girls guffaw all the way through as the creaking models go through their paces. Other members of the audience turn around and scowl at them. Kenickie don't give a damn. "The best bit," says a breathless Lauren afterwards, "was when the David Bowie model appeared. He looked like Neil Kinnock in a space suit rotating slowly sideways."
"I liked it when 'The Boss' came on. His realistic air-punching action! Rock fantasy number one achieved there, and when the pretend-fans' arms appeared and they had watches on ... classy touches," says Marie.
"I think we'll be in here one day," says Lauren. "With slightly-distorted dummies, maybe based on a really bad photo of us when we're really pissed."
"One where we are giving it attitude," agrees Emmy-Kate. "Or where we're jumping up and down so it looks like we've got one leg shorter than the other," says Marie. "They could melt down a couple of The Beatles and make a few of us out of them. I'd go every day and says, 'That's me!' to everyone. As long as we're in the show, that is."
"It'd be a great place to take someone on a date," says Emmy-Kate. "When the lights go down, it'd be like, 'Codling - my love, the seats are gonna spin round, hold on for your life - let me put my arm around you.'" Ah yes, the band's obsession with Neil Codling, the perma-cool keyboard player from Suede, rears its head. "We have very strong, powerful, potent sexual feelings for him," explains Marie. "Apparently he said that he was very suprised when we meet him that we weren't more tactile and forceful with him," says Emmy-Kate. "I think he expected us to tie him down and give him a good rogering," continues Marie.
4pm: The Fashion Cafe (where the supermodels "eat").
We're in the Fashion cafe, grabbing a swift cocktail or three and talking men. "Some of us are going out with people, some of us aren't. But we're all still single. No actually, we all have secret husbands," says Marie.
"But we want to get married," deadpans Emmy-Kate. So how would the 'Knick go about getting their man? "Pretend that you're pregnant! No, dig a big pit and cover it in loose leaves and put something exciting on the other side," screeches Lauren, in a comedy falsetto north-east accent. "make a hit-list of the most powerful and rich men in the country," continues Marie, in the same voice, "and wear something quite square - a man doesn't like a hussy. Nothing too flashy. They may look at women like that, but they won't marry them."
"We went to a sex show in Amsterdam once. Lauren fell asleep. It wasn't weird, it just was boring." - Marie
Lauren picks at the "fashion" tablecloth. "If I made a leather tablecloth I'd make it better quality than this," she says. "I don't know if it's meant to be cool and gimpy, but it's not. I think basically they should gimp it up a bit more." The girls like to use the word "gimp."
"It was specifically a sex-pervert term, but it is now a catch-all for all things a bit stupid. We like to make up words - it's something to pass the time," explains Marie. "Anyway, they should go one way or the other in here - either make it CLASSY, or COOL."
Would Kenickie want to live the life of a supermodel though? "If you were a supermodel, right, you've got to look good all the time," says Lauren. "I mean, it's the same if you're a pop star, but you've got to be more careful if you're a model ... I don't think we'd get away with it. We couldn't get pissed and stay up all night. Whereas if we do that, then people just think it's rock 'n' roll. It's one of the best part of the job actually."
"I tell you what," chips in Emmy-Kate. "Your career is over at the age of 30 if you're a model, whereas we could go on for years." "If Pebble Mill comes back we're made," says Lauren. "We're gonna be the orchestra," agrees Marie. "We'll do it flexi-time," shouts Lauren, "And now, A Song For Christmas," she screams.
Marie is musing over the supermodels' lot: "You see, when they've finished their career they still have to do fashion-y things, whereas we could do things like present the weather on GMTV. We could do it, we think we'd be good. "The next Ulrika Jonssons, maybe? "She had her affair with Hunter up the road from us in Sunderland," says Marie. "We saw the photos. We were like, 'Eeeee! Look, they're outside where your uncle had his wedding reception.'"
The girls polish off their Cosmopolitan cocktails chosen "because we're cosmopolitan," and we move on ...
5.00pm: The Trocadero, London's entertainment supercentre.
We're in The Trocadero, getting Kenickie key-rings made. The three girls flock around the stall holder. He asks if they're in a band. "Oh, yes," says Lauren, "you may have heard us on Radio One." Marie charms him into giving her a free postcard. "These key-rings are the best thing ever," says Emmy-Kate. Lauren agrees. "We're gonna get some kenickie make-up bags made for sale when we tour," she says, "and badges and stuff for those people, male or female, who don't wear make-up."
"Unfortunately," cuts in Marie, "why not wear badges, key-rings and a touch of mascara. Open up those lovely peepers."
The girls like men in make-up. "It shows self-respect" says Lauren. Marie agrees. "The thing is, girls go out in natural-look make-up, so why not boys? They should just tart themselves up a bit. They don't have to look made-up, just better. 'Boys! Even out your skin-tone, gloss your lips, open up your eyes.' We like a bit of a tart."
5.30pm: Walking through Soho.
"We went to a sex show in Amsterdam once." says Marie. "Lauren fell asleep. The weirdest thing about it was that it wasn't very weird. It was boring."
"There was this woman with a banana stuck up her," says Emmy-Kate. "And I caught her eye. She gave me such a filthy look, as if it was all right for all those blokes to be in there, but I might take some attention away from her."
6.00pm: Dinner
So Kenickie, is being a pop star all it's cracked up to be? "Everything and more," sighs Lauren. "You don't realise that as well as all the pop star stuff, you get to spend all day with your best mates. That's the best thing about it." Aaah.
7.00pm: Home time.
We're knackered. Marie has a chimp documentary she's desperate to watch. We go home tired, but happy, from our lovely day out in London.
"How We Wish Johnny X Was With Us On Our Lovely Day Out In London" By Kenickie
SO do you think Johnny X will be sorry he missed your wonderful trip?
Marie: "He would've been reluctant to get in with the statues."
Emmy-Kate: "He hangs back a little on these things."
Lauren: "He's not really into PR and ligging - he much prefers the production side of things."
Marie: "We would probably have ended up having an argument with him, because he wouldn't have wanted to get in with George Michael."
What's his role in the band then?
Marie: "Gimp."
Lauren: "No. he prefers the technical side of things. He's sinister and mysterious."
Marie: "I was explaining to him how he was famous the other day. He wouldn't believe me. I said, 'Look johnny, photo here and here. Interview here. We do gigs, people shout for you. You. Are. Famous.' He found it very difficult to believe, bless him."
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