KENICKIE's Radio 1 tour Diary

Drunken exploits of the 'Nixsters

L=Lauren Laverne
M=Marie Du Santiago
E=Emmy-Kate Montrose (well Duh)

M: Well Hello the nation, we are now in Glasgow.
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M: We went to Caberet Night, and we didn't even realise that was where we were going, and they sang Wonderful Tonight for us. They sang the Power Of Love for us. It was fantastic and we nearly danced, but they wouldn't dance with me to Lady in Red.

L: We harmonised with the end of The Power Of Love..erm..We're talking the Jennifer Rush Version, not the Holly Johnson Version, or the Huey Lewis and The News version, which is less bad.
It's time for room service, 'cause all the bars have closed.

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L: (In a kind of still asleep-don't even whisper-tiredy voice) Hello Tour Diary. It is..erm.. 6:30 in the morning and we've had to get up after last night's slight revelry, nothing too bad. But we have to get up at this ungodly hour, 2 or 3 hours sleep to go and do a t.v show which features children. I want to cry. And..er.. we just have been saying how unfair it is that anyone has to get up at this time. We think we should just go out naked and not even bother to get dressed. As I said to Marie that anyone we meet on our travels who was up this early is likely to be a pervert anyway. Okay, I have to go now because I am going to kill myself.

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M: Hello listeners. Glasgow again, morning, too early. We are going to do..erm.. the telly show Fully Booked with T.V's Tim Vincent and I think he's a bad man. Lauren also suspected he was, but only now has his evil actually come to light. I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt. But no, it would appear that she was right. Vincent got us up this early, he doesn't like us. Therefore I don't like him.

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L: A disturbing post-script. Me and Marie had a bit of cabin fever, so we decided to moon to Glasgow from our..er.. hotel room, which has a very prominent view of the city centre. We hiked the window up stuck our arses out and began to sing a song. Unfortunately the window got stuck and we couldn't get it down. Fortunately we were assisted by our aid Mike who was accross the way. He's promised not to tell anyone, but we thought we should put it in the tour diary ( Emmy[?] shouts Ha Ha in Nelson off the Simpsons stylee) As it was a good crack.

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E: It's Sunday morning at 3 o'clock (Emmy Sounds very Lucid, considering the time). I have come home early with some of the crew, so I'm in now. I've had a few and y'know just sortof knocked about. The rest of them aren't back yet..er.. living it up in Glasgow, somewhere. Erm..I'm going to hide..er.. because they're going to come back so drunk that I don't want to even go there. Lauren'll be very bendy, so I'm going to stay right out of there. So I'm off to watch BBC News 24 and learn about the hazards that await us. And I'll see you all tomorrow as we've got to go to Wolverhampton really early. Erm.. so we'll all be dead tired and (Makes voice like a squeky E.T) making this noise 'Leave me alone'.

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L: (Obviosly very drunk and speaking slowly) Hello, Glasgow was amazing. All the audience were fantastic. And..er.. then afterwards we hit a club with Various members of Mogwai, Arab Strap and The Young Offender (She now becomes unintelligable due to her drunken state) and (?). I think we were there till about 4. I then have selective memories of soul music and very, very bad dancing on my part. I'm very, very ill now and I'm going to have a shower and a little drink and everything will be fine. Thank you

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L:(Squeeky and unhappy, the next morning) I don't understand why this has to happen. Why can't you have a night of happiness and just a few drinks with some friends? Why is this that afterwards you have to be punished in such a cruel way?

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M: You join us in the tour van, some 2 hours late for our Wolverhampton sound check. If you heard the messages of this morning you'll know, (You give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi starts in the background) Oh You Give Love A Bad Name, good choice Andy, ah he he he. You'll know that..em..it tooks us a little while longer for us to get started this morning than we'd anticipated. Andy, we're a while out of Wolverhampton now, and we should be sound checking in a couple of minutes. Are you stressed, tense at all? Could you share your feelings with the viewers?

Andy: No, I'm not stressed, Marie. Not with..not with Pros like you. Y'know, you can strap it on and 5 minutes you're done.

M: Andy, do you give love a bad name?

A: I like to think not, Marie, I like to think not.

M: Hello Radio 1, this is very exciting. The pub underneath and the club we are playing tonight in Wolverhampton has died. All the electricity has exploded and we feel like its the war.

L: This is good news. I have a hangover and might get to go home. They're clearing the pub for fire reasons. We're playing a really tiny venue, so it's been sold out for weeks and there are, like, er.. girls in plastic necklaces crying outside because they can't get in. And now they're throwing everyone out and that's hundreds of people, oh dear.

E: We can't even watch An Audience With Rod Stewart because..em.. obviously there's no electricity at all. We're just all sat round getting rather restless as are the fans. We could eat some crisps and drink some whisky I s'pose.

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M: I don't really know what's happening. Think they're all being thrown out (E: Oh we could be like Evita!). Yeah, let's be like Evita (E: Singing from the Balcony)
E+M: Don't cry for me Marge and Tina.

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M: Hello Radio 1, erm.. the thing is now, that ..er..all of the kids are here, lined up outside, very excitable cause there's no power. And now we're doing An Audience With Kenickie from the balcony.Er.. Lauren could you instruct..

Meanwhile;
L:(To the fans through what sounds like a megaphone) We're doing a Tour Diary for Radio1, right. So when I say...

L: Say hello to Radio 1 Wolverhampton (Many Screams from Plastic be-necklaced girls, no longer crying)

M: Crazy name, a crazy City.

E: They're crazy

L: (Through Megaphone) Go Home crazy little Party girls, we love you!

Well there you have it. What fun it sounded like. But I am now scared of this Bendy Lauren.

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