Excerpt from Twinkie Book, section 1:2
After awhile, Twinkie got bored with his dead friends, so he decided to make a being that was morally corrupt and stupid. He searched his kitchedn for old vegetable scraps and lard chunks. With these materials, he made man. Then Twinkie stepped back from his work and said, "This is not good, but it will have to do". Twinkie decided that since HE didn't want to bother with man, he would create another being to be man's friend. So he made woman out of man's liver. After woman was made, Twinkie decided that the whole project had been stupid and pointless. So he crawled back into his box.
From this scripture reading today, we are all reminded that Twinkies are the Supreme Rulers of the Earth, no matter how high man thinks of himself.
Now, all rise, and we will confess our mistakes and bad deeds to the awesome Twinkie.
Oh, Twinkie. We confess that we have not been humble enough to realize all of your faux creme filling power. We have been so wrapped up in our lives that we have not taken the time for even a short twinkie break, and this is wrong. Please forgive us. Forgive our friends for not sharing their twinkies with us, and those around us who do not understand why twinkies are so important. Refresh our minds and help us to know that nutrition is not everything. Life is better with twinkies. As you help us understand these things, please also bless us with numerous twinkies. Thank you.
Today, let's also make a special prayer in our minds for Teresa of Florida, who seems to be having some troubles at this time. Teresa apparently went brain dead and forgot where the twinkies were located at her local supermarket. Let's all pray that she finds those twinkies. Now, the offering cups are being passed around. Please make a contribution to help keep this church running. Twinkie wrappers are extremely helpful, but if you don't have any, $100 bills will do perfectly well.
That concludes today's service! Thank you for visiting, and come back next month!
