This was the first scripture of Twinkie found. It was found in the depths of a trash can, covered with Twinkie goo. One can only guess what had happened before hand....
1:1 Creation
In the beginning, there was darkness and cold. And Twinkie appeared in his little plastic wrap and said, "Let there be light!" And there was. The Twinkie box opened and light spilled in, bringing happiness to the other 9 twinkies inside. And Twinkie looked around and said, "This is good". Twinkie then stepped out of the box and realized that his box was floating in what was only an endless space of light. So Twinkie created gravity. Then, the box of Twinkies fell far, and onto the bottom of the what-was-now-not-endless space, which Twinkie then dubbed "ground". The twinkies inside the box were unfortunatly smushed beyond recognition from this fall. Twinkie then used his awesome powers to create the world. It took him .000000000008 seconds. Then Twinkie looked around and said "This is good". He then disappeared into his box for awhile.
1:2 Twinkie Creates Man!!
After awhile, Twinkie got bored with his dead friends, so he decided to make a being that was morally corrupt and stupid. He searched his kitchedn for old vegetable scraps and lard chunks. With these materials, he made man. Then Twinkie stepped back from his work and said, "This is not good, but it will have to do". Twinkie decided that since HE didn't want to bother with man, he would create another being to be man's friend. So he made woman out of man's liver. After woman was made, Twinkie decided that the whole project had been stupid and pointless. So he crawled back into his box.
1:3 Bye Bye
Now, after awhile, both man and woman started getting really bored. They had absolutely nothing to do. So one day, while man was taking a nap, woman decided to find a snack. She opened the fridge and saw nothing except twinkies. Now, woman was getting really tired of twinkies. She poked around some more, and came upon a drawer marked “NO”. Since woman was well educated, she knew that “NO” meant that she wasn’t supposed to open that drawer. But again, she was bored & hungry. So she did. When she opened the drawer, a puff of black smoke came out and a little voice said “eat me”. Woman wasn’t up for playing games, so she sighed. Then she picked up the object and gazed at it thoughtfully. It seemed to be a deep brown snack cake. It smelled like something she had never come across, something good- like chocolate. She held it up and bit into it. To woman, it tasted good. Especially the ‘surprise’ cream filling inside. Woman grinned and ran to find man, to give him a taste. When she found him, she shoved this mystery cake in his face and cried, “Eat this!” Man looked at her warily, then, because he was hungry also, did so. He chewed on the snack cake thoughtfully, and then exclaimed “Hey! This is good!” Woman nodded happily, but then, all of a sudden, a voice came out of the ceiling. It boomed “You ate the forbidden Ring Dings!! That’s it! Get out of my house!” And then, before either woman or man could blink an eye, they were outside in the backyard. They both pouted until they fell asleep.
1:4 The Child
After woman and man were condemned to the backyard, they were forced to only eat healthy things, like fruit, vegetables, and the occasional stupid rabbit. They got very bored again, and in the simplest terms, had a child. Now, the child was raised very well, but one day, he snuck into the house to go to the bathroom. Twinkie, seeing this, cried “Get out of my house, Evil-Ring-Ding-Eater!” The child cowered, and ran out of the house. Twinkie went back to sleep.
