So tonight i went to graduation. My highschools graduation. Just because. The class of 98 - i knew a lot of people in it. I don't know hardly anyone in 99...so if i ever wanted to go to another this was it. Dor was nice enough to come with me. I got there early. I kept babbling all nostalgic like. I had to hold back tears so many times. Everytime i would recognize them. I would be like "oh my god. they're that grown up?". I missed highschool. I missed graduation. I missed that whole experience. It was so sad and wonderful. I want to go through it again. it was the best part of high school. I realized how much i didn't hate all these people i didn't have a damn thing in common with. But i was wrong. We had memories. We had those in common. Things my real friends will never understand, or have fun to look back upon...
Anyhow..as they filed it i cried..during the cheesy speeches i cried. I got a little booklet too. Thank god. And i admitted it to myself - i went to graduation for Robert. Robert is this boy i knew while i was in 11th and 12th grade. He was a goof off, totally into what people thought...but really insecure inside. He opened up to me a lot. Teachers always had to move us away from each other. In my yearbook last year he wrote to me that i was...his best friend. It was so moving. I bawled at that for so long. I was sad for him..that *i* was his best friend. A girl he talked to in his math class for a year and a half 3 times a week. I was the closest he could get. And i left. But he made me happy. And i held a small torch for him. I was actually amazed to see his name in the program. I didn't think he'd graduate. When i finally found him i just cried. I REALLY wanted to talk to him. I didn't know what to say. I want to call him. Badly. I dont have his number anymore..but i know his name and where he lives..im sure i can find it. But what do i say? "hi..remember me...i forgot you for a year...i went to graduation because of you?" What if hes put the walls back up. I mean, a lot can change in a year? Part of the reason i put a hold on freshman english is hoping i'd catch a class with him next semester.....so thats robert.
I also saw penny and her group of trendy friends. It was weird. And then...walking out i went by the cafeteria in hopes of running into him, or some of my old teachers..and something REALLY weird happened. I dunno if it was because i was sad and nostalgic or what..but i heard someone call my name..and like 20 feet away was carlos [who i saw like 2 months ago] and i just like..i kinda ran to him and my instinct was to throw my arms around him and hug him. But the only time ive EVER hugged him, or felt i could even think about it was after OUR graduation when i was bawling and he hugged me. And as i got to him i just like stopped and realized i wasn't in a movie and i couldn't run to him like that. And i just stopped. It was WEIRD. Because i knew what *I* wanted to do. I just wanted to hug him. Really really tight. I've never wanted to so badly. So i kinda just took him in. He grew his hair out really long. Like past his ears. And he was wearing a radiohead babyt...and it was lose on him. He's gotten so thin. And he kept showing me his nipple piercings. And we had a nice little chat. One of those "oh we should talk soon" kinda talks. We onlys peak every month and a half or so. For about a week then we stop. Pleh. It was nice. Then i found my old american history teacher i loved. I really wanted to see my government teacher..ah well.
So. it was just weird. Maybe i was just ya know..way too emotional. But it was such a strange reaction to carlos..and how MUCH i want to talk to robert. I miss him SO MUCH. Allllllllllllll year on the way home from school i would drive by my HS campus and think about him..and how i should get in touch with him. I havent forgot him. The more i think about it..the more i realize. It was more of a motherly thing towards robert. He wasn't like the smartest kid..but he tried sometimes..i had him in a science as well as math one semester and i was almost like..tutoring him. Always helping him with big words and to write essays and stuff...and when a girl broke his hearT? i was there...god...BLAH I miss him. Who knows...maybe he and i are meant to be good friends? I dunno. I'm just this emotional wreck now.
Then dor and i went and got yummy del taco and saw Can't Hardly wait again..and i swooned over Seth and Ethan again :] And had a nice..long..drive....and just..talked.
dammit im sad. what do i do? Carlos i can get ahold of no problem. And i dont sit around and swoon over him. From the second i "got" him [long story - i spent a year making him be my friend] i knew i shouldnt even think about it - and i dont..i just get jealous of his flings. But Robert. Erf. Do i call him? And why am i calling? Just to say hi..i wanna know if hes okay...i just wanna be his friend again. Okay im crying. i think i shall go read my old year books and cry and smile. goodnight.
erin 17/6/98
she said she'd be my woman -
she said she'd be my man - stp
Anyhow..as they filed it i cried..during the cheesy speeches i cried. I got a little booklet too. Thank god. And i admitted it to myself - i went to graduation for Robert. Robert is this boy i knew while i was in 11th and 12th grade. He was a goof off, totally into what people thought...but really insecure inside. He opened up to me a lot. Teachers always had to move us away from each other. In my yearbook last year he wrote to me that i was...his best friend. It was so moving. I bawled at that for so long. I was sad for him..that *i* was his best friend. A girl he talked to in his math class for a year and a half 3 times a week. I was the closest he could get. And i left. But he made me happy. And i held a small torch for him. I was actually amazed to see his name in the program. I didn't think he'd graduate. When i finally found him i just cried. I REALLY wanted to talk to him. I didn't know what to say. I want to call him. Badly. I dont have his number anymore..but i know his name and where he lives..im sure i can find it. But what do i say? "hi..remember me...i forgot you for a year...i went to graduation because of you?" What if hes put the walls back up. I mean, a lot can change in a year? Part of the reason i put a hold on freshman english is hoping i'd catch a class with him next semester.....so thats robert.
