November 3 1997.

La. i had all these ideas of what to write. But funny how things just happen. And it changes your attitude and anything you care about. Ya know? Erf. Strange thing happened this morning. I took davey to school as i always do. I look like crap. I get up put it my contacts and go. Nothing else. (i get so frustrated) and i see leah from school. So we rolled down windows to talk as long as we could. It was nice to see her. I hadnt spoken to her in so long. She looked like she was doing good. Hrm. Then i slept till 3 and listened to the verve all loud. And i went to Middle Earth to buy a moz sticker for my car . And i saw Lisa Loeb's new album. The advanced copy. It comes out tomorrow. and i bought it simply cos i wanna gonna buy it anyways ya know? It was only 8$. I really like it. (you don't seem angry but i do) blah. I really like the single. I do. its good stuff.

So i come home to an overly caring nicky and christ. Christ scares me with "i have bad news that youre not gonna like at all.." Blah. What can i say about it? hm. Im more upset as to how it makes me look. And because you knew better. And it was the last straw. You've upset me too many times this past 2 weeks. I tried. Nicky says once i say "Well ive tried.." then its over. I think it is. I dont ever want to see you again. Im afraid i might hurt you. I feel pretty violent. Hm. And i cant blame him because hes just become a val or cindy. I feel bad if anything. And i didnt know i hurt his feelings last week. I thought he woulda known. i guess he didnt know me well enough. Blah. Anyhow im really fucking upset simply because they knew. But hey, not like i can control anyone. Just shows the concern. Now i know..(im starting to ignore you..i doubted you so long). I need money.

I think valerie and i are going to San Diego this weekend. We were supposed to for Ani, but i think thats falling through. I want to anyways. I asked last week if ani falls through val and christ want to come anyways. I feel like i need to get out of LA, and i know my way around down there. (you don't hear it but i do) blah.

i forgot to mention this yesterday. After i dropped nicky off at his dorm, i went and drove my car to the roped off area from last week. Cos it was no longer roped off. And i re-traced moz's steps. Nick found it sick. I felt i was getting close to him again. Since its so difficult to get close to him. it made me happy.

I had a dream last night about Anna Waronker (lead singer of that dog.). It was nice. i met her again and we became friends and i had her sign a book and a morrissey cd. how weird. So im still angry. a little calmer. A little confused. dont know how to take it. Everyone getting together wed im sure itll come up. Blah. I dont care what anyone thinks. Anyone that knows me or cares knows how id feel. I love christ. shes such a great friend. and nicky was being so considerate. i love my friends. im iss christ. id ont hang out with her enough.

Exactly one week ago this moment moz was playing song #4 at thousand oaks :D. (She was tramping around..) plehhhhhhhh. blahhhhhhh. dont know what else to write.

I wrote wendye a post card last night. Reading unvarnished made me feel so out of touch with her. I remember when i felt that there was no one closer than her to i. Why do i do this? I make friendships stop and they give up and then i miss them and its too late. And trying to make the friendships work again just doesnt work.

Eruh™


Music~
The Verve~urban hymns
The Smiths~strangeways
that dog.~retreat
Lisa Loeb~firecracker

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