aw, look scott is reading my journal. Hi Scott! Love you! haha. see i said i'd update again. I'm so damn emotional right now. I'm sort of stressed about September with School and tori, i'm grossly on the rag - seriously wishing a tampon would work - and i'm exhausted. But i made the mistake of like getting it bed with davey to watch tv at like 7 and i slept for a half hour so i'm not like _sleepy_ right now. perse'. hrm

Rubber Soul is like one of the best albums ever. On friday when we saw jen's last show we went over to Arons and i splurged and bought Rubber Soul and Revolver. They're really good. They were used too. You never see beatles used. hee. I would just like to state how much i adore dawson's creek. Tonight's was one of my favorite ones - it's random how Pacey is my favorite character - NOT because he's joshua jackson, but..i just love his charcater - which actually COULD be because he's joshua jackson, but only because he's so good at playing it or he has a sort of charm to go with it or..something. i dunno. But dude, that is just one of those shows i canNOT watch without crying. Dawson's Creek and My So Called Life. I suppose they're the same in a way. They're both as fulfilling to me. Although i spent a lot more time banging my hand on whatever was around going "DONT DO THAT..youre SO STUPID WHY DID YOU SAY THAT"when i watched MSCL. THey were like stupider or something. heh

So all day today, and when i went back tonight at like 830 the bookstore at my school had a line to get IN. So blah. i don't have my books yet. la la. what homework? I'll try and get them in the morning. i'll just go early. That reminds me, i may have time to check mail through the net on monday and wed morning. So just like, if you want to occupy me at school or whatever send me mail at weilandlist@yahoo.com - nothing marjo. just if you want to be funny or something. hehe

So tonight i didn't want to come home because i was having an argument with my parents - you know the type where you see they're point and you understand and you want them to know that without giving in? Yeah, they're just FRUSTRATING. So anyhow, i was just driving around listening to retreat from the sun [that dog.] just because that is the FUNNEST album to listen to while driving. I am singing total full blast and its just - to me it's the funnest thing to sing along with because of all the harmonizing. ANYHOW. I came to a realization - about like matt and jeni and stuff. Cos i wrote jeni this letter where i was brutally honest about how much the mere thought of matt, and meeting or spending time made me absolutley naseous. I mean, i was totally laying everything on the line and i was really caught up in the rage towards him - maybe it was defenses. Maybe it was just something i needed to express. Because when i was driving under the underpass of the 91 i realized - ya know, i don't really care. It's just someone to spend time with. He and i always had an easy flowing conversation. Maybe he'd be an ok friend. I dunno. I suppose i came to peace with it - i dunno if it was peace with him, or peace with myself, or i'm just realizing - hey i'm gonna have to spend time with this person, maybe i should make it a pleasent experience rather than one that rips me up inside. I dunno. the only way i can explain it is _at peace_ with the situation - whatever that means. I try not to think about oregon. It stresses me out - lately i've been getting waves of panic about it - to the point where im on the phone to see if i can refund my plane ticket - it's totally just 'cold feet'. Im just fucking scared and nervous about every fucking aspect of it. And i get these huge ass waves of 'this is the biggest mistake of your life' and they need to stop. I'm just SO certain this is going to like end the relationship we have. I'm almost positive [see, im scared. there i go being negative]. God, i just CANT imagine us all getting along. We're both so socially different and so set in our ways and attitudes. I feel like we dont even have a lot in common - its like hippiesh pot head - sloppy holllywood kid that doesnt like drugs - i mean. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok nothing personal dear. i just needed to get my fears out. SO anyhow, i feel better. i just get those waves ofpanic. Ya know, online friends. i don't have a whole lot anymore - at least that i'm super close to - i've met them all - or they're now my real life friends that i spend enormous amounts of time. Out of everyone that that i haven't met [you dont count if i met you or am planning to meet you] , i dunno..th epeople that mean the most to me are Josh and Jess [ i just love you guys. hee ] and melissa who is rocking me immensily [bill clinton, frank sinatra. bah].

ok i should try to sleep now. byeeeeee - erin august 18 and a half

know know too well - know the chill - know she breaks - my siren