___________________

when you can't trust
your friend
your confidant
with feelings
for moving in
absorbing the interest
of you - repeatedly
never leaving a passion
alone
never
1, 2, 3, 4 and five
when you can't
open your heart
to one that you love
but knowing that an
unconcious plot
is being formed
trying against my nature
to hold back my
heart
i don't follow you
please stop

___________________

i don't know what that is exactly. i wrote it a few days ago. the second i wrote it all on paper all my feelings floated out of me and i felt a lot better. i guess thats the perks of writing.

i'm in a strange mood right now. christmas is about four days away, the heater is on, its wet and rainy outside..the christmas lights are up. its christmas

but it doesn't feel right. it just doesn't. my friends and i talk about christmas like it's something that is dead. perhaps its because we think about how tiny and perfect last christmas was. it was the most perfect evening i've ever spent with my friends. it was just, uh.

and as much as we all want it to be that way, it just can't be. and we're trying so hard. tonight i spent time with a friend i hadn't seen in three months. one of my best ones. it was strange for about two seconds. there were weird akward silences. but it felt cozy. it felt like home. i've felt like that on the phone with my other friend that i haven't seen in three months as well. talking to her is home. its how things are supposed to be.

i would like to think that things are fixing themselves. especially since i know i'm going to be losing a rock, sometime soon. its going to be my own doing, but i know it has to be done. [sigh] i don't know.

im listening to the counting crows. i miss those boys. they are one of the few group of musicans that can make me feel. like [breaths in cold air]. like that.

i had a lovely weekend. friday, david and dorothy and i went and saw you've got mail. very cute. loved it very much. i just adore meg. it was a nice evening. we played scrabble, which im beginning to improve at. Saturday it was dorothy and jessen and i. we saw the waterboy and snuck into you've got mail again. lovely as well. we spent about, 7 hours, until 4am in dor's apartment. it went by so quickly. we played scrabble again, talked, went through dorothy's box of memories...i watched them draw, added to my poem on her fridge. it was really.....nice

today didn't start out very nice. i'm tired of money being the only subject my parents and i talk about. i'm tired of that being the only thing on their mind. my step mother bitched at me so much at lunch, i changed my mind about spending an evening at home. and i went out. just to get away. like i do everyday. im glad i did. christina and i had a really lovely time. fingerprints. like the old days. we almost flew off a bridge.

but when i came home, we sat around the tree and wrapped gifts for a little while. and it was nice. that felt like christmas. sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who wants quality time. i feel like my parents are no longer interested in knowing me.

my twins cheer me up. they're one of those little things in life you have, that make you smile every day. i know that my life is that much better, simply because i know them. every day, they show me how fucking wonderful they are.

everything is calm right now. right in here. i'm feeling a little lonely. i'm feeling very lonely.
i'm feeling the season.