i'm tired jousha. i'm tired and i'm sick, and i feel isolated and i'm stressed out. i don't want to have friends anymore. i'm tired of all the drama that goes along with it. i'm tired of being the bad one. the one that doesn't belong anymore. you know, like the cookie monster song 'one of these bitches is not like the other.' haha, i don't know where i'm coming from. its just, in every form. with high school, with sans high school. with people at work - both jobs. i always get this.
and i get to feeling very small. it's not an easy thing when you feel like you only have one friend left in the world. and it's true. it really is. and then i start to think - ok now what AM i living for? honestly. i don't have any friends. ya know? thats all that was keeping me going for the longest time. all i have now is looking forward to seeing tori again - i'll have friends there. and then what? going to europe - when i come back from that month long trip, i'll be even more distanced than i was to begin with. i dunno. stuff just feels kinda sucky right now. between my sickness, and my stress like i said - and we have to put sushi, our cat to sleep. and i've been in the house almost three days in a row. i dunno. i miss going out. i miss random going out. i miss hollywood and driving around randomly. i guess...a big part of it. i miss that damn lexus. and all that goes with it. so.
fuck it all to hell
ps: thank you to assilem for cherring up up with jon talk.
ps: joshua - you know what i hate the most? is opening up like this. being vunerable. letting them know where they have the power. i actually fear - that i look petty, pathetic, or stupid. with my 'friends'. yeah. engenue.
25 min later -
ok i feel a lot better now. i don't feel as dramatic. you know one of those things where its totally like earth shattering and you wake up in the morning and you're all, dude what was the big deal? yeah, i kinda feel like that.
