i don't really know who i want to talk to right now. i'm so confused. i have eight hundred things swirling around me at once - at the moment zoan - she wrote me. finally. i cried at it. there wasn't really a reason to cry. it wasn't a negative letter. it wasn't anything i didn't know. i think i'm crying at the loss. the loss of the perfect friendship. the one real thing i always thought i'd have. i never thought i'd lose it so suddenly. and maybe it just re-opened the wound. if its ever to heal, its going to be a lengthy process. i'm not ready to deal with the energy. i don't know.
and romeo. its a stress on me. he keeps calling. its so dramatic. if juliet doesn't come back to him, he's ready to end his life. its the common tragedy. its entireley dramatic. i don't want to deal with it. i don't agree with him. but he's hurting so much that i listen. he talks of death too much. to me, its over such a silly matter - i see is pain, but enough to end life? he says hes just tired. i don't want him to go away. i'll feel so worthless, and so sad. he's a perfect raindrop, hitting the slippery muddy surface.
i'm feeling alone again. i'm feeling like i'm losing clio even. i don't know why. maybe i'm just trying to dramatize the lost feeling. Sora is making me sad. i feel ready to give up again, as much as i don't want to. i really don't want to. but i'm just so tired. and i feel like she keeps projecting a negative future on the clean white screen. i feel like she knows the end of the book, and shes just not telling me. maybe i'm just sad right now. and anne - she keeps writing and telling me i hate her - i don't hate her. i just don't.....care. i feel really lost right now.
when romeo was over, and he was sitting there in tears. i looked at him, and i told him, in a low voice - 'with as much as you're going through, i envy you. look at what you have, and what you're holding on to. this is what i have' and i motioned to my tori pictures and autographs on my wall. 'this is all i have to show for.'
i'm not sure how i feel about that. everyone i know, goes away, in the end.
maybe i'm just having a bad night.
