October 5th, 1998

where am i to begin on this? i've been wanting to write, but i've concentrated SO HARD on not thinking about anything, ive avoided it. I want to live in LA LA land. Full of social conversations - i want to indulge myself on the road - going to tori shows - living life day by day...or i want to make new friends - i don't want to deal with whats going on in my real life. I don't want to face it. I don't want to think about it.

so where do i start? How about i start with losses? Losses...oh i've lost it. It seems like no matter what i do, i become a 'selfish bitch' and always manage to fuck one friendship or another up. Lets start with christina, because that is whats most current on my mind. Yes dear, i finally DID stumble across your journal. a month and a half late. and i'm sure things have changed. but they're still a constant. Stress. Tension. Ever since she left for New York - i'm not sure why. I think the whole _leaving_ for New York was a fear that she was going to go off and find new places, and things and people that she liked better..and she was going to grow out of us..and it scared me. I couldn't deal with the loss. So i grew cold to it. zip myself up. And when she came back? It wasn't the same. Maybe i got too used to it - all of my other friends seemed to be growing together, and i was kind of growing apart. And i didn't like it. Ok hi i'm crying. There's no crying in baseball. So anyhow, it sucks. The whole tori experience with the female friends in my life was supposed to be this wonderful unifying experience that was supposed to bond us all together closer than we'd been...right? But it didn't work like that. It grew us all apart. Aside from the event that made the world ridiculiously stop was the tension leading up from that day - from the moment i stepped foot on the property i felt unwanted. I wanted to jump right in as though we were all expeiencing this wonderful stuff together - instead i got a cold bitch smack on my hand with backs and markers. and cold glares. and seperating. and. BLAH. Ok. hi. thats all im saying about that.

I also lost the constant drama in my life of oregon. i dont really have a whole lot to say about that. It was so easy for me to turn my back on it...i wish i wasn't, but i'm tired of the energy in that, and at the moment...i don't care.

i want to live life on tour. i loved that life. Getting up early, excited and sleepy, just singing along to random tapes to stay awake..sitting outside all day stressing over your spot and meeting new people, bashing blue dress girls....my GOD it was fucking magical. i had the FUCKING time of my life. i've never felt so...alive. How MUCH i would love to just say fuck everything, pack some clothes and some film and hit the road with dor. my god how i loved that.

now im sitting here at home, back in the old routine. and im feeling really really lost. i feel like i have nothing. i feel like i have no friends - i feel like i have two - one on the road, and the other i feel like could betray me at any moment, but i love him dearly. and i have school - i have zero motivation to go to school. I dont mind photography, but thats only because of the crush i have. and i feel...lost.

on the upside, at least i'm in touch with stanley again. its nice to hear from him. i dont know why...

yeah. so i think thats enough of me today. anyone have an answer? i'd love to hear it. just don't point fingers at me...i've had enough of that.