first things first. first i must add the superficial ness of yesterdays fun at the 400 person smashing pumpkins concert Subject: the arising Date: 4/25/99 2:27 PM Pacific Daylight Time From: Lazy Divey Message-id: <19990425172703.25862.00001655@ng-fq1.aol.com> you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i seriously think im deaf this time! im not kidding or being dramatic. my right ear, the ear next to the speaker, is like...completley plugged, and i just hear that RING....and it HURTS. UGH. i forgot earplugs, i know but. im REALLY Scared my hearing isnt gonna come back. its always back the next morning. UGH. anyhow. i saw the pumpkins yesterday. at the roxy. it was pretty groovy. met lots of nice people. we were like tenth in line. so i was on the rail, just between billy and james...by the end i was right in front of james. it kicked ass. it was just craziness. people were buying single tickets for 300$..someone offered us seven. man i considered that. when it started i became 15 again i swear to god. it was so weird...the crowd was AWESOME. ive never felt excitment like i did last night. the second billy walked on stage i started jumping up and down screaming and like grabbing my head. hahahaha. i was having those OH MY GOD IM FIVE FEET AWAY FROM BILLY CORGAN moments. hahahahahaha. it was really good. hes so cute. so is james! darcy is scary looking :] at the end of..ugh. i dunno. ava adore? billy came to the edge of the stage RIGHT in front of us. his eyes were so blue! i swear i thought i got a split second of eye contact. as he just strummed with a cute smile in his eyes. he was wearing a black pinstriped skirt with shimmery red lines in it, a longsleeved black shirt and coat, black tights and knee black boots. james in a sparkly gold shirt, and darcy in a cowboy hat, pantera shirt and jeans. i couldnt really see jimmy. My favorite was probbaly Zero. it was just so good and the crowd was so energetic. it was fabulous. soma. you could hear the whole crowd singing... ive never been that hot in my life tho. i felt like i took a shower. it was NASTy. i feel like im really hung over today. even tho im not. i just feel like utter shit. that was one hell of a trying day ill tell you that. but it was wonderful. the pushing for me (and probably me only) wasnt bad at all. i just had to push hard to make sure i wasnt pushed to the right too much. cos by the end i could barely see. damn 7foot tall security gaurd. anhow, thats all :] i wont ramble ontoo much. i just want this body ache/headache/deafness to dissapear. i didnt see elijah. i was too tired to look. oh well. but the only bathroom near by was in HUSTLER and who did we run across but larry flynt! hahahahaha. mwah. oh yeah. i got KENTS last cd. all in sweedish! woo! erin. so that was yesterday. today was pretty kick back. i took my dad to the airport and bought some office supplies. i dont know how i feel today - emotionally. really. even tho we were in line to go in from 10am-8pm i was so tired i had no time to think. just kind of living in the moment for once. i talk to casey a lot lately. hes really sweet. i feel bad referring to our age when we talk tho. i always find myself saying 'well i was like that when i was younger' and stuff like that. but there really is a huge gap between 14 and..basically 20. a huge gap. there is a huge gap between 17 and 20. speaking of which, i'm almost 20. a week and a half or so. get shopping! i'm kidding. its just. bizarre. im so old yet im still the same ol me, anticipating the upcoming tori tour. which...for some reason i have absolutley NO desire to talk or think about.the only talking ive really done about it is telling marie to get her ass down here for the irvine show. but other than that, i really dont wish to even ponder it. i think i just dont feel like the stress right now. i dont feel like doing it. i will ofcourse, but its so exhausting. just thinking about it. yeah. there are other things i could address. friendships or lack therefore of. but, its just not something i need to do right now. i feel cut off from it, so why open the wound back up? i feel bad ignoring the problem tho. in the back of my head there is a hint of...give them the time of day....but its so easy to press on as though nothing has changed, or has been said. and so i go.. i'm listening to southpaw grammar. it came from reading over my old journal entries from over a year ago. my god. time goes on and on. and i never do quite catch up with it. ah well. i dont quite know what im gonna do right now. moving and such. i really want to, but i just dont know if i can get it together. gurlmail wont let me log in. why? because they suck. i need to inform ebay bidders that they owe me bank. speaking of email, i started my own emailing 'service' type thing. its on my main journal page. pretty snazzy if you ask me. so i have this dysfunctional friendship. and me going away showed me just how bad it had gotten. and how fed up we both must have become. because we dont contact each other. at ALL. ive been back 2 1/2 weeks. ive seen this person once. and that was due to obligation. and i have a feeling thats the only time we'll ever see each other. i have no desire to invite this person anywhere, and i have a feeling the feeling is mutual. its kind of sad. and its once again, two mutual friends that has severed ties, making it rather odd for the other two friends in the group. growing. its a weird thing sometimes.