so what can i say. my trip was an experience. amazing in some ways, horrible in others. it wasn't what i was expecting, nor did it enlighten me like i had hoped. for awhile i just wanted to swim home. i felt so let down.
but i had...so much time to think. to look back at my relationships. analyze them. realize which friends i missed and which friends i didnt. i was so terribly homesick for a few. i wrote certain friends 5 or 6 postcards...one every few days. i even tried to call. it was quite horrible. but then there were others that i SHOULD have missed, and instead, i found relief in not having to 'deal' with them, as sadly as it sounds. Althought i sometimes think that was mutual. thats besides the point.
i had time to reflect, and let a fondness grow. Absence makes the heart grow fonder (to quote lady cluck). And its getting out of hand. Its getting...obsessive? not quite, but i've learned from the master, as nicky likes to say. i don't know. i just dive deeper into these emotions i don't QUITE think i understand. i could be mistaking it as a new infatuation. i have that problem. confusing friendship and closeness with affection and love, on a different level. but being away made it grow more intensley. and returning made it reach a point of almost overload. and as i try to get closer i feel like that precious piece i hold onto starts to slink away, and there i am foolish for confusing my feelings, and jeapordizing the special friendship that i have. oh my god, this is so private i feel like im jepordizing myself putting this on the damn internet. whats wrong with me? i can't even be open with me? and you. ok moving on..
very into silverchair. very. can't believe i missed em..ah well...ok...gonna go. i'm so terribly bored. i can't oversleep, and i no longer enjoy eating (but hey, i lost 20 pounds and i can breate after climbing stairs, go me), and i don't want to sit on my computer because it depresses me and feels like regression.
i'm just lost.
