a post to the board:
Subject: water please.
Date: 2/16/99 10:56 AM Pacific Standard Time
From: Lazy Divey
Message-id: <19990216135627.29667.00002364@ng108.aol.com>
i just had the strangest expereince - first of all i only slept an hour this morning because i had to finish writing my paper and reading a book, so im extremley exhausted.
well i just got home from class, and as i pulled into my drive way this two immigrant boys handed me a card for a tree cutting service. i noticed they were sweaty, and carrying plastic bags of tamales. the one who handed me the card had this face i cant get out of my head. it was so young and innocent looking. as he handed me the card he said "water please" it threw me off gaurd, and i gave my normal begger response "sorry i dont have any"
and he smiled and walked away. and the second i stepped inside my house i felt SO HORRIBLE i just burst into tears. i DONT HAVE ANY WATER? what kind of bullshit is that, i was just being selfish and cruel. so i stood there and cried...slowly walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water...by the time i stepped outside i saw them rounding the corner. so, i tried, what could i do? i came in here to turn on the computer and just cried. i felt SO horrible. SO FUCKING GUILTY. i have never felt any remorse like this before. it was ripping my heart out. i couldnt handle it.
i ran to the garage and pulled out two warm bottles of water, ran out of the house shoeless, got in my car and found them down the block. i honked and gave him the two bottles of water.
now heres the thing. i dont feel much better. i feel bad because A) the water was warm, even tho there WAS one refrigerated bottle.
second of all. i feel bad just for how i handled it initially. i just feel SO DAMN guilty for turning him down. i felt like a bastard. lol.
but its Just BOTHERING me. yeah i had an hour of sleep, but i cant sleep because i can see the look on his face when i said fucking NO i didnt have any fucking water.
im gonna go try and sleep again. is this normal? or can i chalk the over emotion due to my tiredness?
blah. thanks for listening.
i am AMAZINGLY disturbed by this
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exerpts from a letter to my sweetpea:
i'm feeling really sad right now. again. it always happens after i spend time with my friends. i feel like ive become socially retarted. i hate myself now when im with those i know. i wish i could shut up. every movement i make im ashamed of. idont know when that happened.
never seen blue is a damn love song. but it was mine. for awhile. lately im very into bells. live fromt his tour (the only way i like it). right now its not the red baron though. how come no one likes it? its in my top 5 favorite songs. its just one of those songs i can feel flowing through my veins. if that makes any sense
someone emailed me about joinging a stupid teeny bopper dawsons creek mailing list, but for some reason i agreed to join its cast. they're like, having people do journals for the characters about the show. does that make sense? so i write as andie (yay i picked her. hehehe) about what happened. i hate the zine thing because its so high school and immature, but i feel like i can get really creative and have a lot of fun with it. and i also feel like (this is so wrong of me_ i have a little more intelect than anyone else on it, so mine will be the most interesting. thats so wrong of me and i cant believe im ADMITING THIS.
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Subject: did i chose to be.
Date: 2/19/99 7:07 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: Lazy Divey
Message-id: <19990219220712.01134.00000286@ng-cf1.aol.com>
blah. hi. why is it that i set today aside for homework and im not doing it? hmr. cos its not the night before. blah. midterm. important. must do it.
la.
i get to see the cardigans two times this weekend. first show since tori. heh its been so long since ive been to a non tori show.
did i tell you i went flat happy yesterday? it was so awesome. i just put up some for garbage mazzy and blur on my ceeling. it makes me feel almost claustrophobic
i dont know why but ever since wed ive like had this NEED for the unbelieveable truth cd. i only hear it at dors house, but something made me need it.
so i found it at my record store for like 12 so i got it.
its soooooooooo good.
ok. wish i woulda appreciated them more.
