Mama,

why am i so alone? i can't go outside, i'm scared i might not make it home. I'm alive. but i'm sinking in. if theres anyone at home its your place darling. so why dont you invite me in?

hey, i only want the same as anyone oh it seems the night endlessley begins and ends and end and ends and begins - after all the dreaming i come home again.

i got an attitude of need.

its 4:30 am on a tuesday. it doesnt get much worse than this.

i am in *such* a counting crows mood. i had the strangest day

i was supposed to show up at dor's house at like, 2pm. we were gonna see moxy fruvous and i had EVERY intention of getting up and going. Well.. ok im assuming this is a connection, late last night i was reading this site. welcome to barbados. i was bored. i dont know why i read it. but i read the ENTIRE silent all these years parts - the survivors stories. like, ALL of them. i dont know why. i just felt like i needed to keep reading them.

and you know, i felt like i was fine with reading them. yes they were freaky, horrible stories. but i was ok. you know? well i had a weird night of sleep. i went to bed at six am. and had very disturbed, broke sleep all day. i kept waking up. i was in a daze. i was afraid. and then i woke up and looked at the clock - it said 4:55. it was dark and strange and i was scared. and it hit me. it was five. PM. i had like 4 messages from dor - my alarm had gone off for an hour straight. i HEARD my machine. i just slept thorugh it. like something was telling me not to leave my house. that was what i honestly felt. i jumped out of bed and took a shower and was out the door in like fifteen minues. i knew traffic up to hollywood would be bad. and my heart was beating and i paniced, and i cried. i was so damn afraid. i know part of it was the idea of ME driving to the roxy. i go to hollywood all the time, but ive only actually drive it myself like twice. and i was afraid. the whole drive up if a car came up too fast, or if i saw this damn blimp out of the corner of my eye, i would break down, sweat, and yell at myself to go home. i was SO AFRAID. i was just. FUCKING SCARED. i felt like - im going to die today. i am not going to live beyond tonight

i listened to my tape of Step by Step the whole way. Step by Step and Tonight were the only thigs keeping my sanity - funny. the new kids. ill never forget the sheer. just. the weight lifted off of me when i drove past the roxy and saw 4 people i KNEW. i parked and just cried. i was so scared. crossing the damn street i was so sure a car was going to hit me. and i felt guilty for freaking everyone out being so late - i felt like a bastard. like i had ruined the evening. and then i called my stepmom and she fucking screamed at me for just leaving the house a mess, and me trying to explain that i flew out of the house and just how bad my day was and..it just all went to hell. it was bad.

but eventually things got better. and we saw the show. i might write more about that later. right now. i just needed to express the fear i felt today. and how afraid i am of dying. and how much i just dont want to.

the show was really good though. it was nice to go to the roxy again. but my back hurts. ive never stood so much. and the stage came to just above my knee... im not used to having to support myself.

i had really strange dreams too. i think they were scary. but not all of them. i had a dream i was in alabama, visiting dear friends. that dream was nice. the others were scary.

and its weird. when i was driving listening to the new kids - all i wanted was the counting crows. if elt like if i was litening to the counting crows everything would be ok. one of the breif moments i had the tape off, mr. jones was on the radio - and i felt safe. i felt like. i dunno. like it was ok if i died as long as i was in that blanket. the fucking comfort. counting crows is my warm place. my safe place. its the only music i have that can effect me like that. its just. in my soul. not even tori can do that.

im not gonna bend
im not gonna break
im not gonna worry about it anymore
it seems like i should say
as long as this is love
then its not all that easy........

right now im listening to the first album and ... listening and singing along. is the only thing thats ok right now. i dont really understand it.


erin

i wanted so badly - somebody other than me