The end.

HT:STOP PRESS!

MARS HAMSTERS BELIEVED TO HAVE DESTROYED THE PATHFINDER SPACECRAFT!

After 3 weeks on Mars, the PATHFINDER's battery is running down... at least, that is what officials say. But based on analysis of photos (in last weeks HT) we know that a hamster based lifeform is rampant on Mars. That tied in with this weeks lead story, could mean disaster for us all.
Since Saturday, there has been a communications blackout between the PATHFINDER spacecraft and Mission control. The last successful transmission cycle being last Friday.

VEGI LINK TO CANCER!

It has been shown that around 4 million cases of cancer a year (worldwide) could be prevented if more people ate less meat and more fruit and vegetables. The US government has suggested that people have 5 servings per day of fruit and vege' and they will be cancer free.
When we spoke to The Hamster for the Health and Environment, we got this comment "Well, its something we hamsters have known for a long time, the benefits of eating only fruit and vegetables, with occasional nibbles at our nuts for variety. If more people were like hamsters, then more people would be small, orange, and furry, and the would would be a better place."

MICROSOFT IS CHILDISH!

After a party for 1000 people on Tuesday, a big blue, stage prop in the shape of an 'e' appeared in front of Netscape's offices. The prop being used previously to celibrate the launch of yet another version of Microsoft's internet explorer.
A Netscape official had this to say "Microsoft did a bad thing and made Johnney cry. He's gonna tell his mom, and his dad. They will grab hold of that Bill Gates guy and make sure he doesn't do it again."
Bill Gates (not the Bill Gates) had this to say "Oooh. I am scared... NOT! Come on... Put'em up, put'em up. I'll have you. In the playground, lunchtime. Be there or be lunchenmeat!"

COMEBACK CONCERT SAVES INDONESIA!

60's supergroup, Earth, Wind and Fire were responsible for much needed relief being brought to the Smog filled, fire-hit areas. Of course, the band renamed themselves especially for the event "Wind, rain, and no-fire". The event cooled fires, blew away smog, and brought a general feeling of Okayness to the whole scene.

Stocks Rise, Bonds Fall!

The US Stock market closed high on Monday after a pretty quiet day. However, Bonds Fall..
Sean Connery, perhaps the best loved Bond, had this to say "Whell mish mhoneyphenny, i dohn't know what to shay habout thish hatall"

TELLYTUBBIES TO BE BASTARDISED BY AMERICA!

Not content with letting programmes stand on their own 2 feet, the PBS network has bought a 3 year deal to show the British cu(l/n)t show Teletubbies, starting in April. However, the show is to be revoiced, and chopped together extending the running time from 24 minutes to 29 minutes. Why they are doing this, we do not know.
We asked TinkyWinky how he felt about this "Well Mack", he said, "Its a good thing. Uh-huh. I canda sound lke Elvis.. The King Uh-huh-huh now and its great for pulling the birds."
That's Teletubbies, PBS, April. Avoid it if you can.

NOT A MADE UP STORY - TESTICLES CAN CURE PARKINSON'S DISEASE!

Cells from testicles can help reverse damage done by Parkinson's disease. Experiments on rats, when testicle cells were inserted into their brains, reversed the effects, stopping the uncontrollable shaking, dementure, and most importantly, Death.
One of the Rat's in question, had this to say "I was dead... Then I wasn't."
Unfortunately, one side effect of the treatment is that it turns you into a d*ckhead, with a full penis sprouting from the head within a matter of weeks((1))

The end.

Trademarks + Copyrights etc

Microsoft, Internet Explorer, buggy code, and big signs with the letter 'e' on them are all copyright, trademark, etc etc 1997 Microsoft.

Netscape, Communicator, and the letter 'N' are all copyright and trademarks of Netscape.

(1) This is the only piece of the story we made up, well, appart from the talking rat coming back from the dead. Remember, insertion of testicles into the brain is something that only highly paid scientists and weirdo's should do, and it should definately not be attempted at home(without parental supervision at least)