Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!agate!stanford.edu!bu.edu!bucrsb!fongg From: fongg@bucrsb.bu.edu (Matt Riggsby) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: Another parody Message-ID: <98886@bu.edu> Date: 17 Feb 92 05:42:56 GMT Sender: news@bu.edu Distribution: usa Organization: Boston University Lines: 666 This is something that's been kicking around the back of my account for several months, growing a few words every time I looked at it. Some of the jokes may be kinda dated by now (or already used by somebody who posts faster than me), but I'm still amused. Enjoy. Please don't write me in as a Republican presidential candidate in the Missouri primary. JUST LIKE OLD TIMES (Another damn parody) ACT I EXTERIOR, NCC1701-D in orbit around a planet. Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, stardate 8594.54. We are in orbit around the planet Taos IV to attempt contact with the planet's reclusive natives. While they are known for their great creativity, they have an aversion to sharing it with the rest of the galaxy. So far, they seem unwilling to speak with us. CUT TO: INTERIOR, the bridge. Regular crew, regular places. Troi: I sense...unwillingness to speak with us. Picard: Thank you, councilor. Whorf: Sir, they refuse to answer our hailing messages. Picard: Even my offers to surrender? Whorf: Yes, sir. Permission to fire phasers. Picard: No, Whorf. Whorf (muttering): Pansy. Riker: Perhaps you're not adjusting your uniform enough when you stand up. Data: Captain, I'm picking up something on the sensors. A Ferengi cruiser is approaching. Picard: Ferengi? Hmmm...this could be serious. Whorf, open a channel and tell them that I surrender...no, wait. Just open a channel. (Q appears wearing an old Starfleet uniform) Q: Ah, bonjour, mon capitain! Bridge crew (except Data): Q! Data: Norm! (looks puzzled) Q: Mais oui, mon capitain. Est-que vous avez de Gray Poupon? Riker: What's he saying? Picard: Oh, the usual superior-alien-going-to-judge-us lines. Q: Psycho killer, c'est-que c'est? Liberte, fraternite, egalite! Picard: What do you mean, you're just going to send us down the path we've been on? Troi: Captain, I sense...a hackneyed plot device. Q: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? J'aime Paris! (Q disappears) Data: I hate it when that happens. Riker: What was that last thing he said? Picard: I'm not sure. Something about making castinets out of our testicles already. (male crew members defensively cross their legs) We'd best be ready for anything. (elevator door opens, TOS crew steps out) Kirk: Spock, where the hell are we? Spock (looks around): Fascinating, captain. We appear to be on a spacegoing Ramada Inn. Picard: Who are you? Kirk: I'm Captain James T. Kirk, commanding officer of the starship Enterprise. Picard: You can't be! I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I'm the commanding officer of the starship Enterprise. Whorf: Captain, I'm confused. Permission to kick some ass. Picard: No, Whorf. McCoy: Jim! This man is a Klingon! Troi: I sense...great silliness. McCoy (looking at Data): And this man's been painted yellow. Data: No, sir. I am an android, a mechanical device designed to be identical to a human being. Sulu: Hence the funny skin tone? Data: I suppose so. But rest assured, doctor, I am actually a machine. I am just ACTING (makes sweeping gesture) like a human. (looks puzzled). Kirk: A machine acting like a human. That anything like an intelligent computer? Data: Exactly, sir. (Kirk gives Data a long, hard look) Wesley (on intercom): Engineering to Captain! Kirk and Picard: What is it? (glare at each other) Picard: Shut up, Wesley. Go ahead. Wesley (on intercom): Captain, somebody just appeared in the engineering section. I can't understand a word he's saying. He seems to be using a dialect composed entirely of glottal stops. Kirk: Scotty! Scotty (on intercom): Aye, Captain, Ah canna figure oot what the've doon to me puir wee bairns. It lueks lak the've been put t'ge'er by a blind man. LaForge: (offended) Hey... Scotty (on intercom): Ah mean, Ah could do bet'r wi' a hair clip over ma face. LaForge: (really offended) Hey! Whorf: Captain, the Ferengi are hailing us. Kirk and Picard: Put it on the screen. (glare at each other) (Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications console. Whorf, the more experienced fighter, puts Uhura down long enough to open a channel. Kirk poses. Picard adjusts his uniform. One of those damn sniveling hyper-capitalists appears on the main screen.) Ferengi captain: Ah, Picard-captain, who is thisss ssstrange man next to you who doesss not adjussst hisss uniform? What hasss he got in hisss pocketsssesss? Kirk: I am captain James T. Kirk, commander of the starship Enterprise. Picard: Are not. Kirk: Are too. Ferengi: It doesss not matter what sssilly tricksss your sssocialissst Federation triesss. We will buy exclusssive rightsss to the many pretty artworksss of Taosss IV. The Ferengi claim thisss planet asss exclusssive trade area. You mussst buzz off, or we will sssend many lawyersss after you! Yesss, preciousss... Picard: We've got a few lawyers of our own, so we'll see about that. You'll be hearing from us soon-- Kirk: (breaks in) Enterprise out. (Uhura and Whorf dive for the communications board again. Uhura gets in a low blow. Whorf writhes in pain on the ground while Uhura shuts off the subspace radio) Riker (helping Whorf up): Are you all right? Whorf: (speaking an octave or so higher) A warrior can (coughs, voice returns to normal) A warrior can withstand any pain. Quite a woman, isn't she? (the commanding officers take their respective advisors aside) Kirk: So what do you think? Spock: A most disturbing situation, Captain. We appear to be on an entirely different Enterprise. We can expect to find situations which will be familiar but which we will not completely recognize. McCoy: I bet there are even women on board you haven't slept with. Yet. Kirk: And I don't even know how many people's lives on this ship depend on MY decisions. Spock, get to work on it. Bones, I want a full checkup of everyone on board. Sulu, lay in a course and lock phasers. Uhura, get me Starfleet. Someone have Scotty get me some more power. Mr. Checkov...scream in pain or something. Chekov: Ah, screaming in pain. It was inwented by Boris the Sissy. Picard: A most complex situation indeed, don't you think, Number One? Riker: This must have been what Q was talking about, but I still don't understand why. Picard: Hmmm...yes. Councilor, what do you think? Troi: I sense...I sense... Picard: Yes? Troi: I sense...a commercial break. Riker: A what? FANFARE, CUT TO MRS. FLETCHER ACT II FADE TO: The Big E still orbiting, first in one direction, then in the other. Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, supplemental. The appearance of the crew of the original Enterprise has greatly complicated an already sensitive situation...(sounds of struggle) Kirk (voiceover): The Ferengi have taken up an orbit near our own and are attempting to contact Taos IV while our legal section is attempting to evaluate their claim to exclusive rights...(more struggle) Picard (voiceover): However, this has been slowed by Commander Data's recent strange behavior. FADE TO: INTERIOR, corridor. Camera follows Picard, Riker, and Data. Heavy metal can be heard faintly in the background. Riker: How are the power-sharing negotiations going with Captain Kirk? Picard: He's a difficult man to deal with. He is adamant in his demand that he be responsible for the lives of 430 people, so we're trying to work out which members of the crew are his. Haven't you been able to get Whorf to turn down that music? I've been getting complaints from all over C deck. Riker: No, sir. I talked to him about it, but he refuses to stop playing his records. He says that there can be no peace as long as Kirk lives. Picard: I should have that brat Wesley work on some way of keeping the noise down. Maybe that would keep him out of my hair. Riker: What hair would that be, sir? Data: Captain, aren't you being a little hard on the Beav? (all present look puzzled by Data's question) (Picard, Riker, and Data pass an elevator. As they do, the door opens and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy get out and head down a different corridor. The camera turns to follow them.) Spock: ...and so, Captain, we appear to be the victims of an insidious plot device, the likes of which even Mr. Scott could never build. McCoy: You'd think that after hundreds of years we'd be civilized enough to know better than this. Spock: It has often been observed, doctor, that it is harder to create than to plagarize. Kirk: Gentlemen, I suggest that we count our blessings. At least we're not in a Western. What was that you were saying about the android, Mr. Spock? Spock: Apparently, Commander Data has been acting very strangely since the most recent appearance of this "Q" entity. He seems to be speaking in non sequiturs. I am attempting to find a pattern in his behavior. Kirk: Hmmm...any chance we can destroy him with illogic? Spock: The odds against it are... Kirk: Never mind. (They enter Ten Forward. Camera pans to Uhura and LaForge sitting at a table) Uhura: I think it's terrible, you being the only black officer on the bridge. LaForge: (very surprised) WHAT? Uhura: Shocking, isn't it? I mean, here we are in the middle of the twenty fourth century... LaForge: But...my parents told me we were Chinese! By the way, what are we drinking? Uhura: It's something we confiscated from Harry Mudd the last time we had to arrest him. It's tea. LaForge: Earl Grey? Uhura (nods): Hot. FADE TO: INTERIOR, the bridge. Kirk and Picard are wedged into the captain's chair. Uhura and Whorf are glaring at each other over a roll of barbed wire that divides the communications panel in half. Sulu is sitting in the helmsman's chair with Geordi looking over his shoulder. Checkov sits on the arm of Data's chair. Spock stands in front of Riker's chair while Riker leans to the side to see around him. McCoy is in Troi's chair with an enormous grin on his face, a julep in his hand, and Troi in his lap. Picard: What is the status of the Ferengi vessel? Data: They remain in the same orbit, captain. So far, their attempts to contact the people of Taos IV have been unsuccessful, but they continue to send hailing messages. And that's the way it is... Picard: That's enough, Commander. Any luck with the legal section, Number One? Riker: No, sir. They refuse to give us any information until we pay them a retainer. Picard: Ah, I see. And since we don't use money... Kirk: Is this what we're destined to become, Spock? Is this what the future holds for us? Are we to become so advanced that we lose sight of the Most Fundamental Issues of Existance? We. Can Not. Allow. The People. Of the Federation. Riker (whisper to Spock): What's he talking about? Spock: I believe it is an old Earth custom called "overacting." It is something the captain is given to in time of stress. Kirk (getting up and starting to pace): To Fall! Victim! To. This. Disease! Of the Soul! (starts quoting the Massachusetts Motor Vehicle Code, emphasizing every single word) Riker (to Spock): Why does he do it? Spock: I am unsure. I suspect it is due to its strong psychological effect on female members of most humanoid species. (enter Dr. Crusher in the midst of a dramatic pause) Bev: Jean-Luc, I wanted to... Kirk (creshendo): A MAXIMUM!!! OF A ONE! THOUSAND! DOLLAR! FINE! AND OR ONE! YEAR! IN PRISON!!!! Bev (blushes, ogles Kirk): Oh... Riker: Isn't there something important you need do discuss with the captain, Dr. Crusher? Bev: Why, yes. (takes Kirk's hand and prances off the bridge with him, tugging at the fastenings of her uniform) LaForge: How does he do that? Sulu: All I know is he gets laid every week and I don't even get a first name until I'm fifty. Checkov: Ah, animal magnetism. It was inwented by Ivan the Naughty. Picard: This still gets us no closer to solving our legal problems. McCoy: Why don't you just ask the lady here? Picard: With all due respect to your heavily made up alter ego in our first episode, doctor, what good would it do to consult a psychologist on a legal matter? Troi: I'm not a psychologist, I'm a lawyer! Where do you think I got the title "counselor?" Riker: Deanna, why didn't you say something earlier? Troi: I hoped you'd get the hint when I did nothing but state the blindingly obvious all the time. Picard (wearily attempts to run his hand through his hair, fails): If you think you can provide us with an avenue for legal action, then make it so. Kirk (sticks head through door): Don't you mean make OUT? CUT TO ED McMAHON ACT III FADE TO: Same confused orbit as last time. Da fanfare music. CUT TO: Interior, briefing room. Spock: Having reviewed the Enterprise's historical records, I believe that I am now able to understand what actions Q has taken to place us here. The most important clue was Commander Data's strange behavior. Data: Was it my tendency to substitute the name "Wilbur" for "Wesley"? Spock: Among other things. I have isolated a pattern in your pecularities of speech. These patterns have a high degree of correlation with television shows from the later part of Earth's twentieth century. Scotty: But Mr. Spock, how does tha' explain Q's warning or our appearance here? Spock: It would appear that Q has taken advantage of the similarities between the old and new series. For example, both have a half-alien and an extremely intelligent character with no emotions. Several old plots were revived in this ship's early missions, notably a dissapointing retelling of "Naked Time." Commander Data's circuits are particularly sensitive to distubances of this nature. His use of other tag lines is caused by a general low-level leakage between television programs. Picard: But our people have been working to move away from the old series. We're far less violent and have occasion for fewer conflicts between regular characters. Spock: True, but our two casts seem to be operating under a curious form of attraction to each other, much like two stars orbiting each other. Consider that attempts have also been made by the executive officer to emulate Captain Kirk's hypermasculinity complex. (Riker shifts uncomfortably, thankful at least that he got rid of the beard) And once this cast seemed on the way to establishing its own identity, the old cast began linkages to it on their own. Witness, for example, the appearance of Whorf's ancestor during Captain Kirk's last voyage and the remodeling of Starfleet discussed during peace negotiations with the Klingon empire. LaForge: So what you're saying is that we've become so similar that Q was able to combine our two worlds. Spock: Exactly. He has set our storylines on a disastrous collision course which neither cast is likely to survive. Kirk: Unless...we can find some way of separating ourselves again. Spock: Our time is limited. I estimate that unless we are able to separate ourselves into two distinct literary entities soon, our appearance in this continuity will be irreversable. Any action taken by any of us must be made with reference to the actions of the other cast. The difficulty of operating under such complex continuity will soon become too much for the fabric of space to bear, and the world as we know it shall come to an end. Data: How long do we have to formulate a solution to this problem? Spock: We are being forced to adhere to a strangely subjective time structure, periods between what have been called "commercial breaks." Several have passed. Should two more go by without a solution to our problem, our two worlds will be irreversably fused. Picard: Our course is clear, then. It is imperative that we contact the people of Taos IV and acquire a new plotline from them. (tweedleoop noises from the intercom) Uhura (over intercom): Captain... Picard and Kirk: Yes? (they glare at each other) Uhura (intercom): We've just intercepted a transmission from Taos IV to the Ferengi vessel. Kirk: What did it say? (Scuffle noises from the intercom) Whorf (intercom): Taos IV has just accepted an exclusive contract to provide the Ferengi with stories about stockbrokers. Picard: Damn. We'll be on the bridge in a moment. CUT TO: Bridge. Everybody where they were last time, except Scotty is at the engineering station and Dr. Crusher is standing next to the captain's chair (Kirk's side, of course). The communications panel is now surrounded by sandbags and Uhura and Whorf are wearing helmets. Picard: How did the Ferengi establish contact? Whorf: They made an offer of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. A check of our computer records indicates that those are commodities often used to get the attention of artists. Kirk: Any chance we could use the same tactic? Uhura: No, sir. Taos IV has already signed an exclusive contract with the Ferengi. That contract would have to be broken for us to initiate negotiations. We'll have to deal directly with the Ferengi. Kirk: Any word from them? Uhura: Only a catalog order form, sir. They refuse to sell customized plot lines without specific negotiation. Picard: How long would that take? Whorf: At least two weeks, sir. Kirk: Spock? Spock (shakes his head): According to my calculations, we are already nearing the next commercial break. It should occur at some time within the next ten lines and will be proceeded by a dramatic chord. Riker: So we're doomed to spend the rest of our stories linked together. Picard: But we can buy ourselves some time if we don't deliver dialogue. Nobody say anything. Mr. Whorf, put me on the intercom. Every line is precious now. Whorf: Yes, sir...oops, sorry sir. (tweedelyoop noises, Picard adjusts uniform, Kirk poses) Picard: This is the captain speaking. Kirk: No, THIS is the captain speaking. (each glares) Picard: Our supply of dialogue is severely limited... Kirk: So all crew members will refrain from unnecessary conversation. That is all. (signals to cut communications) (enter Wesley) Wesley: Gee, hi guys! All: Shut up, Wesley! (Dramatic chord) Chekov: Oops. CUT TO CHIA WOMBAT ACT IV CUT TO: Interior, bridge. Same as before the cut to commercial. Spock: We are now on the last interval before the final commercial break. Picard: And it appears that we have been checkmated by the Ferengi. Kirk (gets a bright idea): No...no, not checkmated. You're thinking about the wrong game. Not chess... Spock: Poker, captain? Kirk: No, not poker either... Bev (hopefully): Strip poker? Picard: Soccer? Kirk: What our... Riker: Monopoly? Sulu: Fencing? Chekov: Are you sure it's not chess? Kirk: No, look... Scotty: Golf? Troi: Bridge? Uhura: Checkers? Whorf: Squad Leader? Data: Jeopardy? Kirk: I mean... LaForge: Pin the Tail on the Donkey? McCoy: Trivial Pursuit is more like it. Kirk: The way that... Wesley: Candyland? All: SHUT UP, WESLEY! Kirk: If we...what the hell was I talking about? Spock: Games, sir. Kirk: Oh, right. Not chess, Mr. Spock. (poses, dramatic chord) Space Invaders! Picard: (pause) What? Spock: An old Earth video game, I recall. It involves massive destruction for the sheer joy of destruction. Kirk: Spock, am I correct in guessing that all we have to do in order to break the linked plot lines is to perform some action that will distinguish our cast from theirs? Spock: That would seem to follow. Kirk. And what is it that we do which the Next Generation cast has repeatedly shown themselves incapable of? Spock: Violence, captain? Kirk: Exactly, Mr. Spock! Senseless violence! Random destruction to the exclusion of stories inserted to develop the minor characters. Mr. Checkov, raise shields. Mr. Sulu, lock phasers and photons on the Ferengi vessel. Have security toss Wesley out the airlock. Whorf: ALL RIGHT! (grabs Wesley and heads for the elevator) Picard: You can't do this! Kirk: Ah, but I can. (pulls out phaser) I'm afraid that we'll have to rid ourselves of some extraneous cast members. Sorry, Captain Picard, Commander Riker, but you're both wearing red shirts. Data: Captain Kirk, I am afraid that I cannot allow you to harm my commanding officer. Kirk: Spock, plan B. (Spock hands a small card to Data) Data (reading from card): "The statement on the other side of this card is false." (turns card over) "The statement on the other side of this card is true." (starts flipping card back and forth, increasing speed. Eventually, smoke comes out of his ears and he falls apart) Picard: I cannot believe that you would kill another Starfleet officer, Captain Kirk. Kirk: I don't intend to, Captain Picard. However, I do plan to have Mr. Scott beam you into an altenate story where you'll be harmlessly doing Pontiac commercials and Charles Dickens readings. We'll keep the minor characters on as extras. Mr. Scott? Mr. Spock? If you could take care of these two? (they escort Picard and Riker to the elevator) Sulu: Phasers locked, sir. Kirk: Excellent. Open fire. (They do. The Ferengi ship explodes artistically. Troi and Dr. Crusher look on with lust.) Chekov: Direct hit, keptin! McCoy: Y'know, this could happen to us again, Jim. There's a lot of potential series out there. Kirk: We'll just have to face the threats as they come, Bones. In the meantime, there'll be lines enough for everybody. Mr. Sulu, set course for Deep Space Nine, warp factor two. Sulu: Warp factor two, sir. (fanfare, cut to end credits with scenes of old episodes) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not responsible for what is written here. This story was copied from ftp://ftp.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de/pub/startrek Some brands and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies