STARTREK THE NEXT GENERATION: THE PARODY
                 or
Across the Galaxy on a Plot Device per day.

[Scene 0 Space shot, zooming planets, voice over begins]

"These are the voyages of the Starship Firstprise,[the
following is said very fast] formally the U.S.S. Firstprise
but no-one could think up a decent explanation for the U.S.S.
other than United States Ship and thats almost as offensive as
saying 'where no MAN has gone before' and we wouldn't want to
get sued would we?  [Return to normal speed]  Our continuing
mission to explore strange new plot devices, discover
improbable latex alien races. To boldly have corny lines said
where they have never been said before!"

Episode "Best of both Smurfs"

Captains log. Stardate Half past 3 point 4, the Firstprise has
been cruising for 5 weeks now and nothing has happened, all I do
is make these bloody pointless log entries, God I wish something
would happen!

[Scene 1 - Bridge scene, Pickirk has finished his log entry]

jim-Luc Pickirk looked skyward, or at least roofward, wondering
 if something else controlled his destiny, a voice echoed through
his head.
"Script writers" the voice said, "do not infuriate the Script
writers"
This prompted Pickirk to ask Info a question
"Mr Info, give me all the information we have on a race called
the 'Script writers'"
Info responded at once.
"A mythical race, described as gods by the people of Earth,
apparently able to break laws of physics in a single sentence,
re-write history in a single episode and who have a total
disregard for properly developed plots.  Their existence has
never been proven though sir."
"Hmmmmmm" pondered Pickirk, he stood and executed the Pickirk
tug.
"I'll be in my quarters Mr Info, you have the Bridge"
Pickirk walked into the elevator and ordered it to his floor, he
got there in immediately, this was because he wasn't talking to
anyone.  It was a bizarre fact but it seemed to take the elevator
exactly the same time to reach whatever floor as it took the
people having a conversation in the elevator to finish, this was
particularly apparent with vital plot explaining dialogue.

[Scene 2 In Ten-Forward, the Firstprises Bar]

Down (or up, or sideways, hell I don't have a map) in 10 Forward
Guinan was serving Riker a beer.  Riker was looking puzzled.
"Guinan, why are you serving drinks?"
Guinan too looked puzzled
"Your right," she said "replicators make drinks and I've won
Oscar for "Ghost", why should I be a crummy bartender?"
In a swift motion she leapt the counter and joined Riker on the
far side.
"So Will, what's the matter?"
"I'm bored Guinan, I haven't said 'load torpedos, arm phasers' in
over a month, not a single 'on screen' 'energise' or 'engage'. 
Even the Captain hasn't said 'Make it so' in nearly as long, the
rot's setting in, I'm losing my edge!"
"Did you ever have it?" Guinan pointed out
"Yes, watch a re-run of Best of Both Worlds 2, I was good, damn
good!"
Guinan remembered the episode fondly, 
"Those were the days" she said, "but the Borg could always come
back you know."
"No" said Riker flatly, "this is a parody, they'll probably
change the name to Bork or Bored or something like that, they
wouldn't be the *real* Borg"
Riker's communicator chirped.
"Info to Riker.  Sir! an exciting plot development has occurred!"
said Info.
Riker decided to confuse every explanation of onboard
communications by tapping the communicator twice to open a
channel and once to close it.
"There" he said to Guinan.
"That should keep rec.arts.startrek.tech busy for the next two
weeks"

[Scene 3 Bridge again, Riker walks in, Pickirk stands in front of
screen.  Extra's in there usual place, franticly pressing buttons
like always, further examination would reveal that they
were trying to find the terminal's on switch]

"Captain we are receiving a distress message from the planet
Scene-4" said Pier,
"On Screen, Mr Worf" said Pickirk, hardly containing his
excitement.
"My name is Pier sir" growled Pier
"Worf, Pier same thing isn't it?" replied Pickirk.
Pier managed to press this episodes 'on screen' switch, last week
it was the self destruct button and next week it would pour the
coffee, Pier had learnt long ago that detailed examination of the
buttons label could prevent a terrible catastrophe.
It was the usual distress message, garbled and breaking up.
"Mr Pier, can you clean that image up?"
Pier hit the Dolby Noise Reduction button (previously the One
touch timer record button), the picture leapt into focus.
"-elp, We are under attack from a unknown force of unknown
strength, our children are dying, our women crippled, our
civilisation flattened."
"You want our help then?" asked Pickirk
The alien regarded Pickirk sarcasticly.
"No I want a pizza, what the hell do you think I want?!"
The transmission cut off abruptly.
"Ensign, set a course for Scene-4, Warp 1" said Jim-Luc
"Isn't that a little slow sir?" asked the Cowardly ensign at the
helm.
"You're new here aren't you?" asked Pickirk
"No sir, I've just never had a speaking role before" replied the
Ensign.
"Well ensign, you will realise that it doesn't matter if I say
warp 9.3 or warp 1.3 we'll always get where we're going by the
next scene." said Pickirk.
"May I say 'Engage' this time?" asked Riker.
"Of course, but I'll do the arm movement" replied Pickirk.
"Engage!"

[Scene 4 Firstprise circles insignificant little bluey green
planet, who's ape descendant life forms ar-]

"Pier can you raise the planet?" asked Riker
"No sir, but give me a lever and a place to stand and I could
move it" replied Pier
"Cut the philosophy Pier, you're a Klingon, you're just suppose
to growl and say 'It is not honourable!' occasionally" said
Riker.
Pier sulked.
"Will, now that you've finished browbeating Pier I think you can
lead an away team to the planet, take the Doctor with you, and
about 3 expendable security officers" said Pickirk.
"That will be a change sir, only 2 major characters on an away
team, we usually send everybody" puzzled Riker.
"We need to spend the budget on the effects coming up, I can't
afford the extra dialogue"
Riker nodded, and picking 3 shivering Security officers and Dr
Beverly McCoy, ships chiropodist, they beamed down to the
surface.

[Scene 5 Painted sunset and ruined city in background, 5 figures
beam down in the foreground]

"So this is Scene-4" pondered Riker
"Actually it's scene 5 sir" informed MSO1  (Miscellaneous
Security Officer 1).
Riker glared.
"Set your phasers to maximum stun" said Riker.
"But sir what if we get attacked by a horrible beasty, stun might
no stop them" said MSO1
"I know, but it's a known fact that we never set our phasers to
kill, not even in war, we can only hope that the beast we shoot
will realise he/she has been stunned and die of embarrassment."
Beverly moved off, holding in front of her a beeping object,
"I think there is signs of civilisation over here" she said.
"What?  The tricorder tells you that?" asked Riker
"No, the sign over there reads 'Scene 5-A 4 lines'"

[Scene 5-A]

An hour (well 4 lines but lets not get pedantic) later the team
trudged into a smouldering village and began picking through the
wreckage.
"Dr McCoy!" called MSO2 "I've found a survivor!"
Dr McCoy rushed to the wounded womans aid.
"How are her feet?" she asked
MSO2 looked at the womens feet,
"They're missing ma'am."
"Damn, there's not a lot I can do then" 
Riker pushed MSO2 out of the way and began asking questions.
"Who did this to you?" he demanded
"Look" she said "I wasn't expecting the Spanish inquisition"
There was a deathly silence as the cast waited.
Nothing, not even a whimper of approaching Cardinals.
The women started coughing blood, Almost ruining the G rating of
ST:TP.
"Blue, they were blue" she gasped, then died.
Their communicators chirped.
"How is the survivor Beverly?" ask Jim-Luc.
"She's dead Jim" replied Beverly as she closed the poor womens
eyes,
"Well at least she got a speaking role, that's more that MSO3 is
getting" said Riker.
Riker and Beverly had a quick emotional scene, vital to character
development, but otherwise uninteresting.
Pickirk's voice carried from their communicators.
"Will, Beverly, MSO1, MSO2, MSO3, you've got to beam up, theres
been developments."
"At once sir"
"Energise!"

[Scene 6 Exterior shot, Firstprise facing a cubic ship, about
half the size of the Firstprise, cut to interior, Pickirk faces
screen, viewers cannot see who he is talking to]

"I am Captain Jim-Luc Pickirk of the Federation Starship
Firstprise NCC-1701D, and I demand to know are you responsible
for the murder of the planet Scene-4?"
"Yes" responded the alien voice
There was a silence.
"Well" said Pickirk, "do you have anything more to say?"
"No" came the response.
"Nothing about assimilation, irrelevancy and the like?"
"No"
There was a silence for a few minutes
"Umm okay, who are you then?"

[Dramatic wide shot, audience in horror, the alien reveals his
identity]

"I AM PAPA OF SMURF!  PREPARE TO BE SMURFED!!"

*Really, really, really, really dramatic chord.  And a bit of
tension building classical music*

"Oh dear" said the cowardly ensign at the helm
"Why do I feel were going to get our arses kicked?"
"Belay that thought ensign!  We are the Federation, nobody cleans
our clocks and gets away with it!  We're the good guys, we'll
win" said Pickirk.
"You I'm not worried about, I'm a minor character, there's no Law
of Conservation of Minor Characters is there?  I'm gonna die I
just *know* it" he sobbed.
Riker ran onto the bridge, stared in horror at the 8 inch high
blue figure in a red hat on screen who was patiently waiting for
the end of the establishing monologue.
Pickirk continued talking:
"Look can't we talk this out like civilised Bipeds" 
"No" came the response
"They're not particularly creative in their dialogue, are they"
remarked Beverly as she walked forward to Pickirk.
"No" said Papa of Smurf.
Jim-Luc motioned to Pier to cut the transmission, the horrible
image of the red hatted smurf vanished.
"Will, your impressions" asked Pickirk
"They're short" he replied.
"No don't be rude, their just vertically challenged" said
Beverly.
"Captain, the Smurf ship is arming it's weapons!" called Pier
"Red Alert, raise shields, load torpedos, arm phasers, extinguish
cigarettes, stow your tables in the upright position, women and
children to the rear!" called Riker.
Above the Bridge screen the non-smoking and fasten seat belt
lights lit up.

[Scene 7 Aboard the Smurf ship Papa of Smurf stands in the
centre, Brainy Smurf and Smurfette stand at evil looking black
terminals]

"Smurfette of Smurf, load the Smurfberry launchers!" ordered
Papa.
"Aye Papa of Smurf!"
"Brainy of Smurf, commence firing!" ordered Papa.
"Affirmative Papa of Smurf!"

[Back aboard the Firstprise, the red alert lights are flashing,
tension fills the air]

"Captain the Smurf ship is firing!"
Red blobs shot out of the Smurf ship, impacting brightly on the
Firstprises shields.
"Shields at 60%, Captain"
"Return fire Mr Pier, I want these things smoked and sliced!"
replied Pickirk.
A storm of phaser fire and Photon torpedos poured from the
Firstprise, not surprisingly they had little effect (well it
would be a bit pointless to wipe them out in a single shot
wouldn't it?).  
"Sir!  Our shields are down!" said Pier, looking panicked.
"Sir!  We have sustained damage to our forward paintwork" said
Info.
"Sir!  Watchout for that Smurf behind you!" said the Cowardly
Ensign to Riker.
The Smurf grabbed Riker around the leg, Riker dematerialised.
"Damn I'm going to miss him" said Pickirk.
"Ensign, set a course for 345 mark 796, Warp 9!"
"But sir!  Thats off the Paramount lot!"
"Damn, how about 324 mark 944?"
"Nop"
"333 mark 214"
"Nop"
"900 mark 399"
"Yep thats okay"
"Engage!"

[The Firstprise leaps into warp, the Smurf ship in hot pursuit]

"Sir if I might make a suggestion" said Info as the Firstprise
pounded through space.
"Yes?" replied Pickirk.
"I may be able to tap into their computer system and send them to
sleep" said Info.
"Excellent Idea, and very original" replied Pickirk.
Info turned to the terminal and began tapping, the results were
displayed on the Main screen.

Connecting to WATER....
Connected....
   water.qut.edu.au

 This system is for the members of the Smurf collective only for  
 use in their work and studies aboard the ship.
 Unauthorised deletion or insertion of data is punishable by      
 death.


"We are in" said Info.
"Trying to put them to sleep".
Info began convulsing and foaming at the mouth,
"UUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRggggghghhghhg" he said
"Ensign!  Unplug him!  Pickirk to Scotty, get up here"
The ensign unplugged Info and lay him on the floor.
Info began having a fit on the floor, Scotty LaForge ran out of
the elevator and barged his way through the characters which keep
getting introduced as being on the bridge but never leaving,
"What do you thinks wrong with him?" asked Pickirk
"He's contracted a virus sir, I'll have to get his instruction
manual" replied LaForge.
"But that could take days, there are over 10 million volumes of
his instruction manual!"
(It wasn't a very well know fact but the entire forward section
of the Firstprises saucer section was filled with Info's
instruction manual, the major reason for the saucer sections
detachment wasn't to send the civilians to safety, it was faster
to change editions of Info's manual by swapping the saucer
section rather than removing all the books and replacing them ). 
LaForge ran off to get the correct volume.

A few hours later Scotty returned, clutching a very thick volume
and carrying a box between his teeth
"Sthur" he said
"Ivf found the sthlution to our probem," he spat the box out
"We have to erase Info's memory and install a backup
personality."
"Make it so Mr LaForge"
Scotty pulled a 12 volt car battery from his shirt pocket and
with a pair of alligator clips zapped Info's brain.
Hooking up a computer to Info's parallel port he down loaded the
personality.  Info awoke and spoke.
"Are you Sarah Connor?" he asked.
"Ummmm no Info, I am Lieutenant Commander Scotty LaForge"
"Give me your boots, your clothes and your motorcycle"
"I don't have a motorcycle Info"
Info thought for a moment.
"I will stay and observe for a while."
For some unknown reason Info had developed a Austrian Accent.

[Ready Room, Pickirk sits at the head of the table, around it in
no particular order are: Beverly McCoy, Helen Oftroi, Scotty
LaForge, Info and Pier]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we need some ideas, anything from you Mr
LaForge?"
"We could reroute the phasers through the fourth dimension,
multiply their scalar plane, integrate with the red-shifted
Einstein equation, force them through the dialithiam crystal
antimatter/matter reaction and vector the quarks to beta-gantron
whilst integrating the resulting technobabble with the oxford
concise dictionary, mixing the lot with 2 Cups of water and
letting it simmer for half an hour." said Scotty
"Will that help?" asked Pickirk
"No, but would probably change the phasers colour, they wouldn't
be expecting that would they?" 
"I'll keep it in mind, Helen, can we have some corny dialogue for
you?"
"I feel a loneliness, a fear, something is out there Captain" she
replied.
"Thank you Helen, can we have some from you now Pier?"
"The Smurfs are not honourable!" he said
"Your turn Beverly"
"I'm worried about the outbreak of trench foot in the crew."
"Has there been?"
"No, that's the problem, I majored in it at med school, and there
hasn't been a single case aboard the Firstprise."
"What to you want me to do about it Beverly?" asked Pickirk.
"Could you fill the bottom 20 decks knee high in tepid dirty
water, that should develop some nice cases of trench foot."
Pickirk nodded to an ensign standing at the door.
"Make it so Ensign, we can't have the Doctor disappointed, and
finally you Info"
"I'll be back" he said as he walked to the door.
"Well" said Pickirk, "since none of you have any ideas we'll have
to follow my idea, were going to hold a seance"
"To who?!" asked the assembled characters.
"To the Script Writers, they're Pagan Earth gods"
"Oh okay" they said and joined hands, the lights dimmed.
"Oh sactium deja-vu michaldoohan intel bucharest Yob Tvyomat,
arise ye god of bad plots"
There was a growling noise and a not unimpressive display of
lights, a face hovered over the table.
"Yeah, what do you want?" he asked sipping a Coke (who says you
can't do product placement in a Sci fi story?)
"Oh mighty one we need your help?" asked Pickirk.
"Well look I'm a little busy at the moment, I can only keep and
eye on you okay?"
"That would be fine oh mighty one"
"Yeah right, what ever you say."
The lights came back on.

"Pier, open a channel to the Smurf ship" ordered Pickirk
"Yes sir" replied Pier
A voice filled the room.
"This is a Telecom recorded message the number you have called is
disconnected...This is a Telecom -"
"Pier keep trying"
Finally they got through and after arguing with the Smurf
operator got to speak with Papa Smurf.
"Why do you want to attack us?" asked Pickirk.
"You are irrelevant, you are bad life, you must be exterminated!"
said Papa Smurf.
"Oh and you smell" he added.
"You cannot destroy us Papa of Smurf, we have the Script writers
on our side!" said Pickirk
"The Script writers are a bunch of nohopers, they have no talent
and they too smell, they will be Smurfed!"
"Oh no I won't" said a voice from above.
"Try it mate and I'll write you out so fast your little smurf
feet won't touch the ground!"
"Hah!  Your puny threats cannot harm us Earthling!  We have grown
strong while you grow weak, you cannot stop us!"
The Smurf ship was instantly written out of existence, space
filled its plac- URGGGHGHH , ARRRGJ ZAP!
The Smurf ship bounced back into existence.
"See you cannot get rid off us that easy!" said Papa of Smurf.
The script writer nursed his burnt fingers.
"I'm sorry Jim-Luc there's nothing I can do, I can give you a
little more help, head for the second star on the left and on
till morning.  You'll find something there that will help you."
he said.
"Thank you, the Federation will remember you forever!" replied
Pickirk.

[Scene 8 The following morning, at the second star on the left]

"Captain" said Pier "Sensor detect something huge ahead of us!"
"Can you get a better reading?"
"Yes sir, It's, it's, it's the biggest Plot Device I've ever seen
captain!"
"Thank you Mr Pier, that's the best news I've ever had.  Ensign,
head for that Plot Device!"

[Scene 9 half an hour later, within the plot device]

"Mr LaForge, what are our energy readings?" asked Pickirk
"At 250% sir, I've got extra energy piled up in every spare cup,
saucer and bucket on the ship."
"Thats pretty impossible Mr LaForge"
"We're in a Plot Device sir, anything can happen!"
The Bridge Turbo elevator opened and out strode a leather jacket
clad, sunglass wearing, rotary machine-gun handling Lieutenant
Commander Info.
"There is no Sarah Connor aboard this ship, I must go to the
nearest ship and find her, she must be terminated"
An idea began forming in Pickirk's head.
"The Smurf ship Info, all the Smurfs over there are called Sarah
Conner, they'll just lie though if you ask them. Beam over there
and you can terminate till your hearts content.
But don't kill the one called Riker, he's a Good guy, bring him
back"
Info nodded
"Hasta la vista Pickirk" he said and walked off the bridge.
"Mr LaForge have you implemented that pseudoscientific mumbo
jumbo you outlined two scenes ago?" said Pickirk.
"Yes sir, I've changed the phasers colour, It should work sir"
"Stand by to fire at the approaching Smurf ship on my mark Mr
Pier"
"Aye Sir"
"Mark!"
"Firing Sir!"
Subtle blue beams shot out of the Firstprise, the Smurf ship
rocked under fire, flames began bellowing from it.
A cheer went up from the Firstprises crew.

[Scene 10 Aboard the Smurf ship panic reins, Info is machine
gunning hundreds of unarmed smurfs, blue smurf blood covers the
walls, they attempt to fire back but the phaser fire has no
effect because as it's been said before, this is a plot device]

Fire was returned from the Smurf ship, it hacked its way across
the Firstprises saucer section, the forward half, (the section
which contains Info's manuals) was torn asunder, (I like that
word - asunder).
"My God!  We've lost the forward section of the hull!  Scotty do
something!"
"I'm running a level 1 diagnostic on the forward saucer hull, it
should be back online now sir"
Sure enough the forward section had reappeared.
"Hell thats good Mr LaForge, by the way what is a level one
diagnostic?"
"I don't really know sir, I just do them and it fixes the
problem" replied Scotty.

"We need to do something spectacular to wipe these suckers out
for good" said Pickirk.
"Anybody have any ideas?"
"We could attach rocker motors to the saucer section and use it
as a giant discus to cut the Smurf ship in half." suggested the
Cowardly Ensign.
"Thats a damn fine idea, Ensign and LaForge, Make it so!"
They did.

[Transporter room 1, Chief O'Brien beams Info and a rather blue
looking Riker back aboard]

The Saucer section split from the rest of the ship, and began
spinning then shot off in the direction of the Smurf ship,
THWACK!!! went the ship as it cleanly sliced the Smurf ship in
half.  And half again, and again, and again.
The Firstprises newly coloured phasers then blew the bits into
the next dimension.
"Good work ladies and gentlemen, an excellent display of
improbable tactics and impossible actions, you've done the
heritage of Star Trek a justice!" said Pickirk, there was random
cheering.  But down in sickbay there was feverish activity.
"The Smurf DNA have invaded his cells, I'm going to have to do a
post-modernist reconstruction of his upper respiratory track and
beard, it could be dangerous"
"He could die?" asked the nurse.
"No, he may never grow a beard again"
"Oh my God!  You mean he'll look like he did in the first series? 
That would be terrible!"
Beverly's communicator chirped
"Beverly, how is Riker?" asked Pickirk.
"Dammit Jim I'm a chiropodist not a doctor!" said Beverly.
"It's 50-50, depending on the ratings of this episode." she added
"Preliminary reports say they could be good" said Pickirk.
"Well he'll probably live, but if the ratings fall he could be
very critical."
"I understand, I'll do all I can."

[Cut to Bridge, Pickirk has finished talking to Beverly, he was
now pondering]

"Hmmmm, how can I keep the ratings up so he'll live?" he asked
himself
"Well we've tried violence sir, and we're out of that, the only
remaining fall back is sex sir." said Helen Oftroi, leaning
forward seductively.
Pickirk regarded her cleavage critically.
"Well considering your the only woman that's a major character I
suppose your it."
"Can I bring a friend or seven?" asked Oftroi.
Pickirk looked startled.
"S-S-Seven?" he asked.
"Yes" replied Helen "You don't know much about Betazoids do you"
she growled sexily.
"Um well my tastes don't really run in to that, Mr Pier do you
wish to serve your country?"
"Is it honourable?" asked Pier.
"That all depends on what you like to do" said Helen
"Aroooogah!" said Pier as he ran to the turbolift.
(Aroooogah being something unprintable in Klingon)
"Growwwlll" said Helen as she joined Pier.
(Growwwlll being something unprintable in Betazoid)
The elevator stopped at three other floors and was in use for the
following 12 hours.

                      Epilogue

The ratings leapt.
Riker lived but his beard never recovered, it (the beard) now
resides in the 'Beta Centride home for abused and neglected
facial hair'.
Pier spent the following three weeks in hospital.
Helen gained new respect from the crew, (and a lot of fans, which
is good for her because she can't act).
Pickirk continued as captain and didn't do anything interesting
enough to be included in this story.
Beverly finally got her cases of trench foot.
Scotty still never found out what a level one diagnostic was.
Info starred in a series of successful movies which ended with
Last Action Hero and returned to the Firstprise with his old
personality.
O'Brien went on to serve on Deep Space Nine.
MSO1, MSO2, MSO3 all died in a terrible transporter accident,
rated for normal people at a billion to one but for Security
officers about 10 to one.
The cowardly ensign finally got a name 'Wesley Crusher' and was
thankfully written out in the fourth series.
                                                             
[Wide shot of Firstprise vanishing into the distance, the sound
of footsteps can be heard, a high pitched voice cries out "Nobody
expects the Spanish Inquisition!"]

Cue Credits, Cue Music, Cue Happy ending(tm).

**************
Written by Steven Herod, all rights reserved. The characters and
actions expressed here are imaginary and if you think they're
real I suggest you get some stronger medication!
Comments etc to: n1265598@water.fit.qut.edu.au  A reply is not
always assured.

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