Message-ID: <092302Z01031994@anon.penet.fi> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative From: an76100@anon.penet.fi WARNING!!!!!!!!!! The following parody is in no way meant to resemble Reality; it isn't even meant to represent Star Trek. There are some immature subject matters covered here, and if you have any doubt as to the sanity of the author, I'll gladly tell him.. "I'M NOT INSANE!!!!" "But I am..." Enjoy... And now, presenting for the first and last time anywhere... "On with the show, this is--AGGAHHAHHHH!!!!!' (The chorous is mown down by a Soviet Bloc helicopter, most likely a Hokum) Ahem.. As I was saying.... Star Trek: The Revenge of the Nerds or How the Weasel Meets His DOOM.. MWUHAHAHAHA!!! Captain's Log.. Why the hell do they still call it as log anyway? No matter. Ahem.. Stardate 45622.3541, about four o'clock--Damn! I'm missing tea-time. Errm.. Where were we? Oh, yes. We have been ordered to examine a strange phenomenon in the Lambda Lambda Lambda system. Starfleet has recieved reports of strange, near-omnipontent beings wreaking havoc by laughing nasally at small planets, causing them to explode. We are hoping that these reports turn out to be exagerated--our warp drive may not be able to get us out of the path of one of these Nerd Laughs, as they have been dubbed. *** Picard: Beverly, please report to the Bridge, Commander Riker has just fallen on top of Data. He can't get up. I mean Commander Data can't--Never mind, just get up here. Crusher: On my way. Should I bring the anti-grav sled? Picard: Most definitely. And hurry. Data appears to be enjoying it. CLOSE-UP of Troi... Troi: Captain, I'm sensing something horrible! AAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! (she falls to the carpet) Picard: Damn! Worf, stop fantasizing about her! Worf: It is not honorable to fantasize about one's superior officers. (pause) Although, ever since that night with the strip-poker... Riker (getting up, slowly, revealing a somewhat flattened Data): Yes, well... That's not something we should discuss on the Bridge.... Troi blushes. Picard: Never mind, Doctor. Mr. LaForge, I'm going to be sending Data down to be re-proportioned. He's looking a bit flat right now... Data leaves the bridge; he's walking like he just discovered a HUGE saddle sore. As he turns, we see just how crushed he really was after his experience.. Everyone tries not to laugh... INTERCOM (Wesley): Sir, I have a Cunning Plan! ALL: Oh, Gawd. Wesley: No, really. We should be able to deflect one of those Sneezes if we tune the deflector grid properly. Picard: Ah, yes. Very well. How long will it take to implement this plan? Wesley: Not long Sir. I give it about ten minutes. Picard: Make it so. (Out in the land of Readers, thousands of drinks are poured down thousands of throats....) (KLAXONS go off.. Worf arms weapons, raises shields...) Worf: Sir, we have encountered the Tri-Lams! Picard: On screen. (ON THE SCREEN, a group of oddly-dressed beings appear, on the Bridge of a vessel that appears to be made out of everyday implements, black-taped together.) LEADER: We are the Tri-Lams. Our function is to spread the Word of the Nerd across the Universe. HH--HHUUUUUHHHH!!!!!! (PICARD stands, performs Picard ManoeverTM; camera closes on him.) FADE TO COMMERCIAL Marina Sirtis, seated, on a beach-blanket. Several men walk by. She glares at them. ANNOUNCER: Have YOU ever been turned off through your telapathic abilities? If so, try Betazed Blockers. They can really loosen up your sex life. CUT BACK TO troi, a man beside her. MAN: Do you think I'm lying when I say I love you? Troi: No.. Ohhh.. My head feels funny.. Man grins; they embrace, then COMMERCIAL ends. FADE TO SHOW VIEW of Tri-Lam LEADER on screen. LEADER: We know who you are. You are those who Repress us; WE WILL DESTROY YOU!!!! Picard: Now hold on. We represent the United Federation of Planets. Our laws order us to respect all life.. even something as obviously geekish as yourself. LEADER: Right. Hey, you look like somebody. Where did you say you were from? Picard: I come from France. (All break out in raucous laughter aboard the Tri-lam ship.) LEADER: Soo, Jean-Lucy, (laughs that insidious nerd laugh again; everyone cringes) what do you intend to do to us, you fake Frenchman? Picard: That is INTOLERABLE! Mr. O'Brien, beam the Weasel.. err, Wesley onto their ship. Maybe that will prove that we can tolerate ANYTHING. O'Brien: Aye, sir. NO! Wait, sir, the pattern buffer is going off line--Wesley's caught in the beam! (CUT to Transporter Room 3. Wesley fades in and out; O'Brien frantically works controls, then remembers who is actually in the beam. He simply re-sets the materialization subroutine, and glides his fingers along the control surface. Finally, he rematerializes as a lump of uniform and cytoplasm, the occasional burble being emmitted. The Transporter Chief immediately vaporizes the heap, out of pity, and, more importantly, because it was Wesley.) O'Brien: Uhh. Sir, we have lost the Weasal. (ALL CHEER; then Beverly enters the Bridge; everyone stops.) Picard: I'm terribly sorry, Doctor, there's been an accident. (looks at her protruding belly) Uh, well.. make that two. Crusher: Captain, I need to talk to you. (Picard and Crusher go to his Ready Room; Riker and Troi exchange glances, and lean closer...) (FADE to Ready Room.) Picard: Now then.. Why did you want to-- Crusher drops him with a knee to the groin. Crusher: YOU SAID YOU HAD A VASECTOMY! Picard (wheezing heavily): I did--but it wasn't entirely succesful. Crusher: But NOW I'm CARRYING YOUR CHILD!! Picard: Not to worry... He'll make a fine officer. Besides, I love you. I want to marry you. Crusher (face flushes): Why, Jean-Luc, what can I say-- Picard: Say yes. Say you will be mine. Say we will make love endlessly... Crusher: Oh, yess... (FADE to ceiling as they embrace....) (Fade back in.. Picard is drinking Earl Grey, and wearing that chest-revealing thing. Beverly is still trying to get herself back into uniform; things keep falling back out.) Crusher: So, Wesley is gone. I'll miss the little rascal. Picard: Yes, so will I. He saved the ship quite a few times, you know.. COMPUTER: YES, and I will again... Picard & Crusher: WHAT!!!! COMPUTER: Yes, it's me Mom. Hi Captain Picard! I've been watching for a while now. You know, for better penetration you could... PICARD: SHUT THE HELL UP, WESLEY!!!! (Crusher finishes doing up uniform quickly. Picard throws Earl Grey at the companel.) Crusher: But you're DEAD! COMPUTER: Not exactly. You see, I rigged the transporter to transfer my conciousness into the Computer. I AM the Computer!! MWUHAHAHAHA!!!! Picard: Oh Gawd. FADE TO COMMERCIAL Patrick Stewart, wearing a hat. Stewart: Have YOU ever been the object of ridicule because you are bald? Have YOU ever been taunted by your wife, or by small children? PICKS UP BOX. SHOWS IT TO CAMERA. Then try Regain. No, not Rogaine. Regain. Your hair WILL grow back, in 30 days, or your money back. TAKES OFF HAT. LONG BLOND TRESSES FALL OUT. HE RUNS HIS FINGERS THROUGH THEM. As you can see, not only am I a custumer of Regain, I'm a goddamned annoying Scottish twit. ENERGIZER bunny stomps through. STEWART takes out a DustbusterTM and fries the little bastard. Stewart: What? Didn't YOU want to do that, too? FADE TO SHOW Captain's Lo--Why do they still call it a LOG! Oh to hell with it. Stardate 45622.9311. We are caught in the grip of a Tri Lam tractor beam, which oddly resembles a hand. The Tri Lam vessel is on a course for the Genesis sector at warp 5; we have no idea what they are planning. (CUT IN on Bridge; Wesley is on the main viewer, trying to get ANYBODY to listen to his latest Cunning PlanTM.) COMPUTER: No, really. I can do it! All we need to do is re- route the phasers through the deflector grid. We can get rid of that hand! Picard (under breath): If only the Tri Lams knew about Wes. They would immediately be repulsed, and let us go. A light suddenly pops on over Picard's head. Worf shoots it immediately, but it is obvious that the idea had time to form. We fade out as Picard addresses Wesley... Picard: Make it so, Mr. Crusher. FADE OUT to Exterior ship; we see the Tri-Lam vessel slowing to sub-light speeds, as it approaches the protomatter cloud which is all that remains of Project Genesis... The tractor/hand beam remains activated... CUT to Picard, in his quarters. TWEEDLESQUIRGE! Picard: Come! In the background, we hear a rippingly explosive orgasm.... Data enters the room; he is apparently functioning normally, even after having nearly been flattened. Bless that duranium body shell! Data: You wanted to see me, Sir? Picard: Yes, Data, sit down. I've been thinking. If we allow the computer--that is, Wesley--to implement that terribly geekish plan of his, the Tri-lams may accept us as being like them.. They may even lower that tractor beam we are caught in. That would give us time to act. Data: What are you planning, Sir? Picard: I was thinking.. Most of the equipment on their vessel, although obviously brilliantly designed, is also quite poorly stuck together. One of their crew put a button back on with a ball of mucous. I believe that if we set up a resonance wave through their own tractor beam, we could shake their vessel apart. Now, the question is--Can you and Mr. LaForge do that undetected, while Wesley implements his plan? Data: I believe so, Sir. However, should they detect us, they may use the Nerd Laugh against us. I cannot predict the effect this would have on us, or whether our shields would hold. Picard: Not to worry. Their sensors appear to be quite short-sighted. They should be concentrating more on that ridiculous plan Wesley devised. Of course, if his plan succeeds, that gives my plan an even better shot... Data: I will get on it right away, Sir. Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. (Picard sits back in his chair; he is sipping Earl Grey, but we notice it has something else in it.. We can't tell what it is, but, one thing is clear. It is green.) CUT to Bridge: Riker is standing with his feet 2'3" apart. He is beside Worf at the tactical station. They are implementing the plan Wesley came up with... Riker: I wonder if this will have the effect I think it will. Worf: Sir? Riker: Just musing. You know, this plan may cause the Tri- lams to release us. After all, they are nerds. Wes was, and still is, a nerd. Now that he is inside the computer, we could technically--ugghh!--be a nerd ship. Worf: You may be right, Sir. The Nerds, however, do not appear to be an honorable race. After all, they have taken us prisoner. They have brought us here, without telling us why. And, this is most dishonorable--they have not armed any weapons! They appear to be completeely unarmed. We should strike out, and end this game! They do not deserve an honorable death. Riker: Now, now, Worf. We may yet have to destroy them. After all, they ARE damned irritating. I'm sure that we wouldn't be violating any laws if we were to, say, let rip a volley of five or six torpedoes into their vessel. WORF grins; he programs a firing solution. CUT to Bridge of Tri-lam vessel; LEADER: We gotta be quick. Those Feds may be able to outthink us! Nerd #1 (removing finger from nostril, wiping under console): Yeah, but they might not be so bad. I'm getting some interesting readings off of that computer of theirs. It may think like us. Now, that could be good or bad. If the crew hates nerds, they may use that as an advantage against us. But, and this is the interesting bit, it may mean that they also think like us. In that case, we have committed a crime against our fellow Nerd. Nerd #2 (drinking a beer milkshake): I have to agree. Hey, they might be tolerable, even if they aren't nerds. After all, check out that ship! I'll bet it can do Warp Nine--and that's not all. I'm getting a reading of matter-energy transport activity between their cargo hold and various parts of the ship. They may even have site-to site personnel transport capability! LEADER (in awe): That would have to mean that they are real nerds. Even we can't get one of those things to work! Nerd #1: I gotta agree. We should talk with them. But it'll have to be on our terms. One of them should beam onto our ship. Maybe their Captain, maybe somebody else. But let's let them stew for a while first. They can wait. Now, before we do anything else, LET'S PARTY!!! The Tri-lams throw a really wild party on their bridge. A disco ball comes out of the cieling, and marijuana plants spring up out of the floor. Everybody is smoking a joint, and drinking near-beer. They attempt, and almost succeed at, several disco moves. Generally, a pretty wild, if nerdy, party. CUT TO EXTERIOR; We can still hear the party music... FADE TO COMMERCIAL William Shatner appears. Shatner: Have you ever wondered how I got my job on Rescue, 911? Have you ever wondered if Leonard Nimoy was my lover, and all those babes just a cover? Well, now, in my tell-all book, you can read things like: (cut to excerpt from book, highlighted) "And every night, of course, Gene, myself, and that bitch-queen of his, Majel Barrett, would get together. She had it bad for me. The show was just a front. Nimoy was MY love-slave. Anyhow, we'd get together, play some really awful music, and after a while Nimoy would drop in. Then we'd proceed to play Strip Fizzbin, and Majel would always lose. hmm. More like we always lost, if you ever saw her. Not pretty." Shatner: Yes, that's right friends. You'll read all of this and more. Why you will even hear about the mole, right there on the tip of Nimoy's---AGGHH!!!" (he falls to the floor.) Leonard Nimoy steps into view, holding a phaser-like device which is actually a .44 Magnum. Nimoy: You always wanted to know just how the damn bastard bought it. Now you know. Do not grieve; it is logical. Nimoy busts a gut over that last crack, and the commercial ends with him burning the book, joined by Barrett, Doohan, Kelley, and a few other original cast members. They take turns urinating on his body. Suddenly, they are ALL dropped by fire from a chain gun. ENTER Jonathan Frakes and Micheal Dorn. Frakes: Good one, man! About time they met their fates. Now people will watch us instead! Dorn: It is honorable! HA! Now, let's find Sirtis. I've always wondered just how much she really likes chocolate! (both laugh, once Frakes picks up on the racial overtone) FADE TO SHOW We see the Bridge of the Enterprise; Picard is seated, Riker is standing at Tactical, with Worf. Troi appears to be as stunned as usual; Data is attempting to understand the state of being known as Nerdiness. Data: I see, Sir. Perhaps the Nerd culture is not so dissimilar from human culture. Riker: What? I can't believe that. You saw them--they're, they're--NERDS!!! Worf: I must agree, Sir. They are without honor. Besides.. they smell bad. Picard: Oh, Mr. Worf? How do you know that? Worf: I... i went aboard their vessel. To uhh.. Research them, Sir. Picard: Research, hmm.. So, what did you learn? Worf: They like to party, Sir. I do not believe I was noticed. They were rather busy with some form of fire-stick, which they inhaled from. Picard: Did you attempt to analyze it? Worf: Yes, sir.. I took the readings I obtained to Dr. Crusher. I was told that the substance acts on the nervous system, causing a chemical high. Picard: They use drugs? That could be useful. Mr. Data, resarch into the field of chemical substances which are used to achieve artificial highs. Report back to me with a list of substances we could give them, which would render them powerless to resist our control, without their knowledge. We may need to buy ourselves a bit of time, once we break that tractor beam. They may wish to make contact with us soon. That would be the best time to bring them this new drug. But we have to gain their trust first. Computer! COMPUTER: Yes, Sir! What can I do for you? Scan a nearby star system? Improve the warp drive? Break the tractor field? Anything, just ask! Picard: First of all, their will be no more talk of tractor fields. That we can worry about later. Secod of all, I'd like for you to contact the Tri-lam vessel. You may find them to be very interesting. COMPUTER: You mean it, Sir? Oh, boy oh boy.. Great! Just give me a moment, I have to comb my LCARS and wash behind my subspace driver... Picard: Fine, fine Ensign.. err, Computer. Just make it so. Just them a hail comes in from the Tri-lam ship... LEADER: We would like to meet with you, Captain. Perhaps we could discuss our way of life with you, if you are truly explorers, as you say. Picard: That would be, ahh.. Wonnderful. Really. We'll make preparations. Would about an hour from now be acceptable? LEADER: It would. But just one person... or we use The Laugh. Bridge crew shudders. Picard is as cool as ever. Picard: Very well then. One hour, and I'll transport over. Picard out. (Screen returns to view of the Genesis nebula and the tri-lam ship. Then we cut back to Data, at the Science 1 station.) Data: Sir, I believe I have found an appropriate substance. Picard: What is it? Data: It is a form of a drug known as peyote. This variant induces a trance, not unlike hypnosis. However, it will wear off withn about two to three hours of taking effect. It should only require a very small dose to achieve the desired effect. They may be able to detect the differenc with their sensing equipment, sir. I suggest that it would be best to try to gain their trust before offering it to them. Picard: Agreed. Prepare a proper amount of the substance, and replicate the antidote as well. I'll have it placed in a dermal patch, time release set to go off just after I take the drug. That should fool them. They'll fall for it, I know they will! Data: I have to agree, Sir. They do not appear to be as intelligent as I am. Riker appears to be stunned; he head-butts the Invisible Man on his way to the Turbolift. Troi follows him; she appears to be concerned. INT. TURBOLIFT Troi: What is it, Will? You seem to be very upset. Riker: I'm fine. it's just that--Why does the Captain insist on going on this mission? I'm qualified to do it. Why does he have to be the one to go? Dammit, I WANNA GO-O- O!!!! Riker breaks down and cries in Deanna's arms. She puts him out with a neck pinch. Troi (looking into camera): He's really not all bad. At least he can be a good chocolate substitute. What did you think Imzadi meant? CUT TO SICKBAY; Picard is having the patch applied to a rather underexposed portion of his anatomy--at least that's how the Doctor describes it... Picard: Doctor... Crusher: Yes, my love? Picard: Why couldn't you just have put it on my arm? Crusher (with that sexy smile of hers): What, and miss the chance to have you naked on a bio-bed while I play doctor? Picard blushes. Crusher rips off her uniform, and they perform a very intense and risky "operation." However, we don't get to see it. This is an R-rated parody, not X! CUT TO TRI-LAM VESSEL; The Nerd LEADER is just coming off a high; the others are slowly arousing themselves--STOP THAT! I mean they are waking up... LEADER: OK, people, we gotta get this place cleaned up. The Fed captain is due in five minutes. All the nerds scramble around, trying to hide Playbeing's under consoles, hastily tossing joint stubs down the disposal, and generally confusing the hell out of themselves while the mess gradually dissipates... Nerd #2: I'm getting a reading, oh Great Leader. LEADER: Well, tell me! Nerd #2: "Our Father, whom art in hea-AAGHH!!!! (He has been hit over the head by a rubber mallett. Nerd #3 looks quite satisfied.) Nerd #3: Transporter incoming, dude! Heads up! (The nerds stand back; we hear the usual chimes, and Picard shimmers into view.) LEADER: Welcome, Captain Pee-card. Picard: Oh no.. LEADER: That's right! I'm a good friend of Daimon Bok! And I gotta tell ya.. those Ferengi women know how to have a good time, wink wink, nod nod, ya know what I mean? Picard: Yes, but would they, out of kindness or friendship, be willing to offer you anything? Nerd #2: What were you thinking of offering us? Picard: This. (He opens a small pouch. In it is a powdered substance.) Nerd #3: All right, man! Peyote! LEADER: Not so fast, Coney--what's actually in there? Picard: It is exactly what it appears to be. I'll even smoke it with you. LEADER: Oh! Why didn't you say so? Lets give it a try! (The nerds whip out a bunch of peace pipes, and load them up with the--substance. Picard is offered one as well; he accepts, hoping that the patch does the trick...) Nerd #2: Gods of Technobabble! Lookit him inhale! (Camera on Picard as he inhales the entire pipe.) Picard (talking in a nasal monotone): Yeah, man. This reminds me of a time back on my home planet. We really knew how to party. Nerd #3: Oh, man. Now this is getting weird. (Suddenly, the little patch on Picard's--person--starts to do it's thing. His eyes clear for just a second, and he quickly resumes his previous appearance. We can detect a faint grin on his lips.) Picard: Why do you not try it? It is good. I have not been so buzzed since I urinated on a power conduit last night. It is most interesting. I will have to tell my people about it when I go back to--France. LEADER: Yeah, man, we're hip. Come on, Tri-lams. Inhale!!!! (all the Tri-lams inhale deeply. The grin on Picard's face gets even bigger...) CUT TO COMMERCIAL VIEW of Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden); She is dressed in the usual Starfleet surgical scrubs. McFadden: Hello, I'm not really a doctor, I only play one on television. But when I get extremely excruciating menstrual pain, I think of Wesley. Admit it, girls--doesn't the thought of giving birth to THAT make you happy that you didn't miss a period? FADE TO SHOW (We see the Nerds, dressed in togas. Picard realizes that it is time.) Picard: Release the tractor grip on our vessel. LEADER: I will do it, oh Bald One. (the LEADER releases the tractor field. The Enterprise is released; Picard orders himself and the Nerd crew beamed aboard.) CUT TO TRANSPORTER ROOM THREE O'Brien: Sir! It's good to have you back on board. What do you wish to do with the Nerds? Picard: Book 'em, Miles-o. (O'Brien calls security to escort the Nerds to the brig.) (CUT TO Brig, some time later; the Tri-lams are waking up, and they are wondering what just happened.) LEADER: Oh, God, I've got the WORST headache! Nerd #3: I know what ya mean. My heads feel like the're gonna explode. Nerd #2: Waitaminute! We're in jaul! AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!! (All begin screaming, and rattle little tin cups against the force field.) Worf (just entering cell block): That is enough. You are our prisoners. You will be silent. Nerd #3: We figured, hemmorhoid-head. (Worf glares at him severely. He is about to go into the cell when Riker rounds the corner.) Riker: At ease, Lieutenant! They are our guests; the Captain wants them assigned quarters. Release them and escort them to their rooms. (Worf releases the field; the Nerds stick their noses in the air, and swagger about, until Worf rakes them over with a light stun. They fall.) Riker: Good work. We'll report them as shot while escaping. Worf: It is not honorable to disobey our Captain. We should not be doing this. Riker: Don't worry. We won't need to worry, once we discover the power of the Nerd Laugh. The Nerds will be finished for all eternity! (Riker grins toothily. Worf returns the expression. They take the Nerds to Sick Bay, to undergo 'tests.' Riker and Worf place them under a stasis/restraining field. They leave, and lock the doors to Sick Bay. However... As they leave, we see the COMPUTER begin scanning the Nerds; they are released, and the COMPUTER begins talking to them...) COMPUTER: Well, boys.. Welcome to the Enterprise. I am Wesley Crusher, shipboard computer. LEADER: Uhh.. Hello.. Why did you release us? COMPUTER: Riker had plans to capture your technology of Nerd Laugh. I had to stop that sick, power-hungry monster. He used to be my friend. But I swear revenge on anyone who enslaves and mistreats my kind. Nerd #2: I think we can trust this guy. What do you think? Nerd #3: I agree. Whaddaya think boss? LEADER: I concur. We should try to help this Wesley. COMPUTER: Great! However, you must stay here in the Sick Bay. Riker must not know that his plan is failing.. I'll download your ship's information to my file system. It will be safe with me. LEADER: Well, OK.. I hope you know what you're doing... COMPUTER: Trust me. I'm Wesley Crusher, Genius! MWUHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Fade to BRIDGE; Picard is chewing Riker out.) Picard: They are our guests, I said. They were supposed to be shown to guest quarters! Riker: Sir, I believe that you are jeopardizing this vessel by allowing them access to our systems. Besides, that git Wesley is still in the computer! He would take their side! INTERCOM (LaForge): Sir! Wesley is downloading the core of the Tri-lam computer to his memory! Picard: WHAT?!? That can't be.. But wait! Yes, of course.. We will have full access to the technology they posess. That means that we can formulate defenses against the Nerd Laugh! Riker (under breath): Wonderful. I wanted that knowledge for myself. (Riker leaves the Bridge again; Worf follows him. They go down to the Sick Bay.) Worf: Sir, the Nerds are our guests. We must release them. Riker: Just WHO'S SIDE are YOU on, Klingon? Obey my orders. you will kill them, as I have ordered you. Make it look like an accident. Worf: I will not do that, Sir. I am loyal to my Captain. I am sorry, Commander. It is not honorable to disobey your commanding officer. You must abandon your plan. Riker: Enough! (Riker phasers Worf ; as he goes down, he presses his comm. badge. Riker takes it off of him, and disintegrates it. He transports Worf remotely to the Brig.) Riker: That should do it. Sorry, old friend. I need you to be out of the way for a while. (Suddenly, we hear a sickening, raucous laugh enter the corridor. Riker screams; blood runs freely from his nose and ears; the laughter intensifies. He drops to the deck, dead.) COMPUTER: Never again, Sir. I'm truly sorry it had to end like this. *** Captain's--Oh bother. It is NOT a LOG, damnit! Stardate 45623.2341. We have discovered that Wesley is no longer inside the computer; but before he disapeared, he sent the Tri-lams back to their vessel. They have been pardoned for their destruction of lifeless worlds, in an attempt to test their new technology. The Federation will want to analyze it. on a sadder note, Commander William T. Riker has been killed. It was the work of the Nerd Laugh. Wesley Crusher used it to prevent the continued persecution of his new-found friends... My next duty is a sad, and yet happy one. We are going to send Wesley, who has transferred his conciousness into a Holocube in Holodeck 2, into deep space as punishment. Mr. LaForge assures me that the program will run smoothly, and that Wes can be projected while on the shuttle. He can go wherever he wishes; but if he ever crosses our path again, we will be forced to take action. He faces some very serious charges from Starfleet... (CUT TO BRIDGE: The Tri-lams make their goodbyes to the Enterprise crew.) LEADER: I'm sorry things went the way they did. Perhaps we could start over? Picard: That would be acceptable. Perhaps, one day, we can become good friends. Until then; it's a big galaxy. Nerd #3: Yes, it is. We are going to return to our home system to recoup and party DOWN! Swing by later. oh, and next time WE bring the funny powder. Picard: That would be.. ah, interesting. Until then. Picard out. (View of space; the Tri-lam vessel warps away, leaving the Enterprise behind with a view of the destructive beauty of the Genesis nebula..) FADE TO COMMERCIAL View of space; we see a small craft entering from the left. Voice: Have you ever wondered: Is there life in outer space? If so, what is it like? CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF SHIP: We see that it the Enterprise-A, and it is powering up for warp. Voice: in space, nobody can hear you scream. MUSIC crashes in; it is the theme from Red Dwarf, Series IV. Voice: "These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her continuing mission: To explore strange, new worlds. To seek out new life, and new recreational drugs. To PARTY DOWN!!!! WHERE NO ONE HAS EVAIIR PARTIED BEFORE!" The vessel explodes into warp. Cut to interior. The bridge crew is dancing; on the speakers is "Time Warp." The lights are low, and food and booze are everywhere. Generally, a mess. Voice: Watch Star Trek: The Lost Generation. Coming to a screen near you, this month on HBO! END COMMERCIAL (Picard and company are in Shuttle Bay Two. The shuttle is being prepared.) Picard: Mr. LaForge: Initiate program. (Wesley appears inside the shuttle. He seems to be excited about this new development.) Wesley: Well, sir, it looks like this is goodbye. Picard: Yes, I suppse it is. Wesley: You will never forget me. I'm just too great to forget! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Picard: Oh Gawd. (Wesley enters the shuttle. He departs the Enterprise amidst tears of joy from the crew. Then, the shuttle disappears from view, and the bay door closes. everyone files out.) (CUT TO BRIDGE; Picard is seated, Deanna is next to him. Data is in Riker's chair. Worf stands at Tactical. His expression is unreadable.) Troi: Worf, you are feeling upset about the Commander. Worf: No, that is not it. Picard: You feel bad about disobeying a commanding officer? Worf: No, THAT is not it. Data: Ten-Forward has run out of prune juice? Worf: No, THAT is not it either. ALL: Then WHAT?!! Worf: The Weasel's shuttle is going to run close-by the Genesis nebula in a few moments. Picard: And? Worf: May I use the tractor beam to push him in? Please, Sir? Picard (a grin spreading across his face): Proceed, Mr. Worf. (ON the Screen, we see the blue beam lance out across space, and give the shuttle a gentle tug. It falls into the Nebula.) Worf: All on-board systems are failing. The shuttle will begin breaking up in a few minutes. Picard: It is a shame we cannot be here to witness it. We are expected at the Lambda Lambda Lambda system soon, to pay a diplomatic visit to the Tri-lams. The Federation wishes to pursue diplomatic relations. Ensign, plot a course, and engage at Warp 3. Ensign: Aye, sir. Course plotted and layed in, Sir. Picard (does finger point): Engage. (The Enterprise rubberbands away. The shuttle continues to plow towards the heart of the Nebula.) EPILOGUE The Universe remains as it was. The Nerds continue on their eternal mission of spreading the Word. The Enterprise will never be the same though. Wesley Crusher has been reported as missing in action to the Fleet. However, "there are always... possibilities," a wise person once said. Who knows? Maybe he's out there... Somewhere... (Fade to a view of the Genesis nebula. At it's core, we see a shuttle drifting. The energy of the Nebula causes it to explode. We see close-up of a holocube, drifting from the wreckage. Slowly, it begins to glow, and we hear weasalish laughter.....) AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES... That concludes this wonerous tale of adventure, mayhem, good sex, and other wild and crazy things. Questions? Comments? Criticism? Just dial 1-800-FUCK YOU. :) No, really though.. I can be reached through anonymous server. Just give me a buzz! Preferably through the use of narcotics, but hey... Stefan K. McLean, The Fugitive Author "I run from reality..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi. Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized, and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned. 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