Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: DS9 Parody - Wishes were Fishes Message-ID: Originator: news@cbnewsf.cb.att.com Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com The following story is from David Gerstman who took a rest from his reviews. Send comments to him. ~Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 08:11:10 -0400 ~From: dhg@adelphi-s3isig1.army.mil.arl.army.mil (sig1::dhg) Deep Sixed in Space - If Fishes were Worsted CAST Commander Mindbender Crisco - Commanding officer of station Deep Six The Crisco Kid - the Commander's son Inches Orion - The operations officer aboard the station Seiko Orion - His wife Polly Orion - The galaxy's youngest four year old, their daughter Ursa Major - A Banjoran, the first officer aboard Deep Six Lieutenant Fax - A humanoid with another creature living inside her which is able to communicate with human and other electronic devices at 9600 bps Dr. Julius Basher - A member of the Donner party, whoops, bad joke, Medical Officer aboard Deep Six Yodo - a shape shifter who manages all sorts of pithy remarks despite the fact that he possesses no vocal cords Muon - An Offendi, Yodo's nemesis, barkeep, gambler, entrepreneur and general lowlife Egg Nog - Muon's nephew First Scene Muon - If only I held exclusive rights to a monopolistic franchise... Yodo - You're imagining. Muon - That's it, if I imagine something everyone else will want, will covet, will desire ... I could be wealthy beyond my wildest imagination. Yodo - Didn't I just say that? cut to Ursa and Basher having a drink together Basher - So Ursa what's it like to live on a world where not everyone has indoor plumbing ... Ursa - You arrogant so and so, have you ever tried electro shock therapy. (splashes her drink in his face and leaves in a huff.) Basher (aside) - I've tried it, it doesn't help. I wish I could shut her up. cut to Orion and Seiko with Polly - Seiko - O.K. Polly, that's enough. You've just watched the special 10,000th episode of Barney and friends, it's time for your nap. Polly - But I'm not tired. Orion - C'mon to bed now. (Polly listens, enters her room. Seiko turns to Orion.) Seiko - What is it she sees in that purple creature anyway? Orion - I don't know, but she loves him. He keeps her occupied and out of mischief. He's a better teacher than you are. What's that? It sounds like a song from the colonies, called, um, 'Yankee Doodle.' (Orion and Seiko enter Polly's room and here a chant, "Shimboree, Shimbora," and find themselves face to face with a six foot tall felt creature.) Polly (big smile on her face) - I just make-believed him. (fade - teaser over) Act I Orion - Security, intruder alert, report to my quarters. Now! Barney - O-o-o-h. Come Polly, time for fun and games, let's find the rest of my backyard gang. He-He, I wonder where Baby Bop is! Orion - No you don't stay right there, or I'll .. Barney - Oo-oo-oh, You'll what. You'll cuddle me? Let's all be friends. (Two security officers appear.) What lesson will we learn today? 1st Security officer - Come with us. Barney - that's it manners. Did you forget the magic word? 1st Security officer - Shimboree? Barney - No. That brought me here in the first place. You're supposed to say 'Please, come with me.' 1st Security officer - Please, come with me. Barney - Not so fast, I want to meet all my new friends here. (fades along with Polly.) Orion - Commander Crisco, a six foot tall purple felt creature just disappeared with my daughter. Crisco - You must be imagining things. Hint, hint. I'll be right there. (As he's about to leave, Crisco Kid enters with 50ish looking human male. Crisco stops dead in his tracks.) Kid - he followed me home, can I keep him? Man - Hey Commander, I'm Bob Uecker. Kid - Dad, what are you staring at.. Crisco (muttering) - the 62 Mets, Mr. Belvedere, Lite Beer commercials ... Kid - Dad, what is it? Crisco - a three time loser ... Uecker - Hey, you're the guy who runs this joint here? I wouldn't talk. Anyway, you seem like quite a stuffed shirt, perhaps there's a place we could find something less filling, somewhere around this hunk of junk? Crisco - I never imagined that I'd ever meet you. (cut to Basher and Ursa back in the bar) Basher - So why is it Major, that unlike other officers, you put your name Ursa before your rank Major? Ursa - It is an ancient custom of my people. We revolutionaries take pride in honoring the ancient traditions. Basher - That is so quaint. Ursa, you and your people are so adorable. Ursa - Why you arrogant so and so ... Basher - Shut up. (silence) Basher - Ursa, what is it? Is it aphasia? (silence) Basher (gleefully.) - I'd only imagined doing this. Act II At ops. Crisco - Fax, any anomalies? Fax - I imagine that my sensors are picking up strange readings in the Deleterious Belt. Crisco - Keep an eye on them. Does the computer have any record of similar phenomena? Fax - yes. Once a similar phenomenon destroyed a whole system. The other time, we're still working on. Crisco - keep to it. Any recommendations Orion? Orion - Yessir. Maybe we could detonate a phase inducing probe inside the phenomenon and get it to close. Crisco - Do you think it will work? Orion - No, last time this happened the blast expanded the phenomenon, which then destroyed the whole system Fax mentioned. Crisco - Would we be able to escape the consequences of the probe's detonation? Orion - Nope, we'd be destroyed immediately. Crisco - Let's do it then. Ursa (interrupting) - Wait a second. You people just marooned our religious leader Okapi, on a planet with blood thirsty murderers. Now you want do endanger the whole Banjoran system by trying something that was unsuccessful the only other time it was attempted? Crisco - Absolutely. Ursa II - I think we should agree to whatever the Commander says. Ursa - When we got this job, the casting director wanted us to be fiesty and independent. We're supposed to disagree and be insulting as often as we can. Ursa II - We are supposed to be submissive to the will of Basher. Basher (aside to Fax) - Amazing. Dueling Banjorans.... cut to Barney, Polly, Crisco Kid, and Egg Nog Barney - ... and all Earth children love me and listen to all the wholesome things I teach them. Egg Nog - The problem, dinosaur, is that you are bound by a *Humon's* limited imagination. Barney - What do you mean? Egg Nog - Do you not know the Offendi rules of Acquisition? Barney - No. please tell me? cut to Ops Fax - Commander. I've been studying the phenomenon a lot more. It's not identical to the one that destroyed a whole system. I imagine it will just go away. This phenomenon, appears to be similar to something from 20th Century Earth called "Pledge Week." It seeks not to destroy us, just sufficient funding. (Barney and the youngsters appear in Ops.) Barney - And I can save you. Crisco - You, I should have known it was you. Uecker could never do anything right and Ursa is too confused right now. Barney - Oo-oo-ooh. Egg Nog taught me a lot about acquisition. I think we can save this station by having everyone buying Barney merchandise. Crisco - How will that help? Barney - The pledge week phenomenon targets children by projecting characters that children like, and telling their parents that if they don't give us money, these characters will cease to exist. Crisco - What are you saying? Barney - If I become a hugely successful franchise, I can exist independent of Pledge Week. Children, never again will have to wonder if I'll be back the next year. Crisco - Where did you get this idea? Barney - Egg Nog's uncle, Muon taught me how to maximize my profits from this galaxy. In return, I've helped him with his imagination. Crisco - How? Barney - Let's just say, I wouldn't want the children to discover how I've helped him. It could create a scandal. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I am not responsible for what is written here. This story was copied from ftp://ftp.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de/pub/startrek Some brands and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies