Author's notes ^_^ (long, as usual -_-;;;):

Category: Shounenai. No lemon, sorry. ^^ There is a very slight hint of lime, though. Very slight. Oh yeah, and plenty of angst, with a healthy dose of sap. ^_^

This is a story that is part of the same continuity as "Tegami" and "Natsuyasumi." It's part of a large time-line for Touya and Yukito that I've laid out. It's not exactly in order, though. ^^ This fic takes place about six years after "Natsuyasumi." Eventually, other fics will fill the gap, and also carry on from this fic. I was going to write the whole thing in order, but this idea just wouldn't go away. I sort of had to write it. ^^ That being said, you can probably take this fic on it's own as well. Reading "Tegami" and "Natsuyasumi" will make it make more sense, though. ^^;;;

This fic isn't exactly as I pictured it would be, but I guess it's pretty close. It seemed to have a life of it's own. ^^ I think it's a little short, but I don't think dragging it out would serve any purpose.

It's based off a few observations from tankoubon 10 especially, and also some scenes from the anime. Specifically, Yukito seems to be depressed a lot, and worries himself for nothing. Oh, a few spoilers. So be careful if you haven't read/seen the Sakura Card series.

This is my first time writing something in first person. I'm not too sure if I got it right...

Thanks go out to Zoisite no Miko for beta reading this for me! Doumo arigatou gozaimashita! {{{ZnM-chan}}}

C&C welcome and appreciated. I can be reached at andrea.doolan@utoronto.ca.

Cardcaptor Sakura and its characters are owned by CLAMP, Kodansha, and NHK. CLAMP is god.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utagau
(Doubt)
By: Andrea Doolan
Rated: PG-13
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to say that I'm pretty happy. After all, what else could I possibly want in life? I have my education, my job, my home, my friends, and, most importantly, my love. Yes, life has been decidedly good to me.

Well, except for the fact that I have two forms, one false and one true... But that was resolved long ago, with the help of the most powerful magician in the world, my master. Yes, that was long, long ago. She is no longer in need of my protection, of that I am quite sure.

However, I'm going a little off track, aren't I? For the past year I've been a Grade 4 teacher at an elementary school in Kyoto. It's been such a rewarding experience for me. To see the children blossom and develop in both academic and social skills is truly amazing. I have made many friends there, and have become popular with my students as well.

We recently moved to a larger apartment in an up-scale part of town. It's closer to the centre of the city than the old one, which means we're always right in the middle of the action. It's also closer to the hospital To-ya now works at.

To-ya just started his internship at Kyoto General Hospital. So far he really seems to like it there. He's working in the children's ward, and is a kohai to Kojima-sensei, the hospital's top pediatrician. Apparently he was hand-picked by Kojima-sensei out of a pool of more than 700 other medical students. We were both ecstatic when we heard the news.

I've just come home from a day at work. Well, technically I didn't really do any teaching today. It was the school's athletic festival. Ah, it was so much fun. It made me nostalgic for my school days, what few I had, at any rate.

So, yes, my life is perfect. Perfect...except for a feeling I just can't seem to shake from the back of my mind. I'm not entirely sure why it's there, or even what it means, but it gives me a feeling of uneasiness.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, actually. It has to do with To-ya...about us. We love each other, of that I'm absolutely sure. But...but I can't help thinking I'm holding him back in some ways. What about a normal life? One with a wife and children? We've been immensely lucky that our relationship hasn't hindered us in any way, but what about the future?

I sigh. There's really no use in thinking like that. There are a million "what ifs" to think about. I know I should just concentrate on the present, and let things come as they come. After all, To-ya hasn't expressed the slightest hint of the fears I've been having. It's entirely possible that I'm worried about nothing.

But still...but still...

~*~*~*~*~

Latter that night, as I'm putting on coffee, I hear the door open and shut. A muffled, "Tadaima," comes from the front room.

"Okaeri!" I call back, now walking to greet my partner. "Tough day?" I ask, already knowing the answer from the tired look on his face.

"Yeah... A little girl, Masami-chan, came in with an acute case of Crohn's disease. Her large intestine looked so bad, we had to perform surgery immediately. The poor girl...she probably just thought she had a bad stomach ache."

"Is she going to be okay?"

To-ya looks up at me, a small smile starting to tug at his mouth. "Yeah. She'll be fine after about a month."

"Yokatte ne," I say, truly relived.

To-ya walks with me to the kitchen telling me about other things that happened today. I respond with my own stories about how one of my students almost fell from the roof trying to put up flags for the festival.

As we reach the doorway to the kitchen, he grabs my wrist, and pulls me into a tight embrace. I enjoy just being close to him, feeling his heartbeat, smelling his distinctive scent. I close my eyes, entirely happy. He hugs me back for several minutes, neither of us saying a word. Then, in an instant, he lifts my chin up, and kisses me thoroughly. I enjoy the kiss just as much as the hug. When we are together like this, we only exist to each other. Only our love is important.

~*~*~*~*~

As we make love that night, I want to forget about everything else. My doubts are pushed squarely to the back of my mind, and I concentrate only on loving and being loved. How could I question something this perfect and wonderful? We had certainly come a long way from third year high school.

Although I can't help thinking that perhaps this intense pleasure was only a mask for the doubts I was feeling. After all, wouldn't they come back just as strong tomorrow? I mentally push that thought aside. This isn't the time to be thinking such things.

With increased vigour, I focus on the only thing important to me at this moment: To-ya.

~*~*~*~*~

It's after work the next day. I'm making the half-hour drive from my school to To-ya's hospital to pick him up for our dinner date tonight. It is a rare occurance that To-ya is off before 5 o'clock, and we want to make the most of it.

I'm really starting to think that these thoughts I've been having are really unfounded. Maybe I'm just naturally insecure, I don't know. Knowing To-ya loves me should be enough. Who am I to know what is or is not good for him? He's the only one who knows that, and apparently he's chosen me.

I smile as I step out of the elevator. By luck I see To-ya at the end of the hall. He seems to be talking with a family. A smiling, genki, little girl throws herself into To-ya's arms, laughing as To-ya picks her up and spins her around. He is so good-natured. As he puts the little girl down, the mother smiles and bows briefly while thanking him for his services. He bows back, and waves to the little girl as they leave.

Suddenly, a mental picture comes into my mind. To-ya's standing on a grassy hill, arms outstretched for a little girl with long brown hair. She's calling "Papa! Papa!" as she runs up to him. A kind- looking woman stands beside him, smiling, and embraces To-ya and the little girl.

I snap out of my vision with a shake of my head. Was this...was this what I was keeping To-ya from? I would never be able to produce such a happy scene. I feel so inadequate.

I look up as I hear To-ya call my name, and he starts to walk toward me. I smile at him. "Are you ready to go?" I ask.

"Just give me five minutes." I nod in response. "Hey," he says, looking like he just got an idea. "Do you want to meet everyone?" I'm a little embarrassed, but say yes.

I wonder briefly how he will introduce me. Friend? Boyfriend? Lover? I laugh mentally at that last one. No, definitely not that. As we step into the doctor's lounge, I'm actually pretty surprised. Apparently they already know about me. I'm greeted with handshakes and bows with people saying things like, "Oh, Tukisiro-san, we've heard so much about you!" They all seem like very nice people.

I'm not surprised, however, that To-ya has a picture of me in his locker. My mind goes to my desk at school where a photo of the both of us at Christmas stands. We're standing by the Christmas tree, with his arm slung over my shoulder.

He exchanges his lab coat for his sports jacket, and after he finishes up some paperwork, we're saying our good-byes to his colleagues.

~*~*~*~*~

Dinner was absolutely fantastic. We went to one of our favourite places, a Greek restaurant in the tourist part of town. Greckos has the best Greek salad. Not to mention their butterfly shrimp. I, of course, ate way too much. But it was just so good...

Most of the conversation was focused on work, but occasionally we'd talk about Sakura-chan's latest letter. Her, Tomoyo, and Syaoran (who To-ya had warmed up to over the years) had gotten into the same high school. Actually, they were going to Seijou, our old school. They seemed to be having a pretty good time.

I only occasionally thought about the doubts I'm having. I just don't know what to think anymore! On the one hand, everything seems to be going so well between us. But on the other hand, I can't stop thinking To-ya is missing out on something important. I don't know if I'm being selfish or just paranoid.

We decide to take a walk in a near-by park before heading home. The stars shine brightly in the black sky. The full moon glows down on us as well, making me feel recharged and relaxed. As we walk arm-in-arm, I lean against To-ya, putting my head on his shoulder. I know my face has a worried and slightly depressed look on it, and I can only hope that To-ya doesn't notice.

I feel him stop walking, and I look up to question him.

"Feel like sitting for a bit?" He points to a near-by bench.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something's a little different about him right now. I don't know if it's his facial expression or his tone of voice. Disregarding that for the moment, I nod and sit down beside him. We sit there for several long minutes in comfortable silence. We don't look at each other, and I know I still have that same look on my face.

All of a sudden, he begins to speak. "I've...been thinking lately, Yuki."

This gets me curious. I still don't look at him, but I'm listening intently.

"About my life. I guess I've been reassessing my priorities."

My mind immediately jumps to my doubts. He can't mean...

"Things have been great between us so far. We've been together for a long time now. But I can't help thinking that we're missing something."

Oh god. He's been thinking the same thing! All this time! Will I have the strength to let you go? Oh god.

"I...I want a family. I know you've never really experienced one, but they're great. Maybe a few kids..."

Unshed tears are stinging my eyes. I refuse to look at him. This...this might be for the best. If...if it makes To-ya happy, then I'm happy. That's all that really matters, right? That's what love is all about. I...I think I could let you go, To-ya, if it meant you'd be happy. Even though it would break my heart.

"Dakara..."

Here it comes. I'll be happy for you. Demo...demo... To-ya! I love you more than anything! I always will. Always. TO-YA!!

"Will you marry me?"

I spin around in a fraction of second, pure shock painfully evident in my features. Tears are now in free-fall down my cheeks. However, instead of tears of pain, they are tears of joy. I see nothing but love in To-ya's face. In his hand is a small blue box with the top open. Tearing my gaze away from him, I look at the contents of the box. It's a silver ring about 5 millimetres thick with a single diamond embedded in the band. It's beautiful.

I look back up, and I know he's waiting for my response. Everything I've felt over the last few days, all the doubts, all the self-consciousness melted away. What a fool I'd been. To-ya does deserve a normal family, but he wanted that with me, and with no one else.

With tears still streaming down my face, I nod once. "Un." He breaks into a huge grin, and talks for the first time in what must have been minutes.

"I love you."

"Oh, To-ya, I love you, too." Taking the ring from the box, I notice there's an inscription on the inside. It's simply the kanji 'ai.' I slip the ring onto my left ring finger. It looks perfect.

I look back at To-ya, and practically fling myself into his arms. Now I'm crying into his shoulder, but I don't care anymore. He makes soothing circles on my back.

"Yuki," he begins, while still in the embrace, "is something wrong? I noticed you've been acting a little strange lately."

To-ya, always the observant one. And always the one to make me feel better when I've been depressed. "Not anymore," I reply. "I think I'm quite possibly the happiest person on earth at the moment."

To-ya chuckled. "I think you're in head-to-head competition with me for that title."

I start to laugh as well. I look him in the eye, and cup his cheek in my hand. He dries the the tears from my face with one of his hands. Now with our foreheads touching, I whisper, "Aishiteru, To- ya."

He smiles back at me. "Aishiteru, zutto." He leans forward to close the few centimetres that remain between us, and captures my lips with his. It's a slow, loving kiss, one with much passion, but also a lot of pure love.

I now understand, To-ya. In my mind, I replay the same scene I saw earlier in the hospital. Only this time *I* was standing beside my lover, my husband, and holding him and our child closely.

With all my love.

~*~*~*~*~
Completed: 2000 nen 7 gatsu 6 nichi
Music I listened to: Cardcaptor Sakura OST 4



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