Learning to Live

By Atharaenea Altan

 

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Warnings:  Angst (do I even know how to write anything else?), shounen-ai, sorta depressing, you know the type

Dedications:  I dedicate this to the owner of a.very.pathetic.webpage, if that person is still alive, which I doubt.  I also doubt that she was into yaoi, so probably won’t read this even if she is alive.  And no, I didn’t know her; she’s just the only one I could think of to possibly dedicate this to.  I’m sure no one I know would want this.

Songs:  Um, well, I guess “Learning to Fly” would go good with it, but I certainly wasn’t listening to that while typing this, and it’s too upbeat anyways.  I was listening to the following: 

Metal Gear Solid – The Best is Yet to Come, Blast Furnace

Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing

Guns ‘N Roses – November Rain

Staind – Home, Mudshovel, Just Go

Stir – New Beginning

Static X – I’m With Stupid

Stabbing Westward – Save Yourself

Slipknot – Wait and Bleed, Surfacing

Rolling Stones – Paint it Black

Chevelle – Point #1

Orgy – Blue Monday

Matrix Soundtrack – Rob D, Clubbed to Death; Rob Zombie, Dragula

They’re not alphabetized cause I wanted them that way, my MP3 folder is in alphabetical order, so this is what happens.  Anyways, that’s what I was listening to, in case for some strange reason you want to download them all.  If you do, you’ll probably have a hard time finding the Metal Gear Solid stuff unless you have Napster, which I don’t.  I have to use mIRC cause I was banned from Napster for downloading Metallica. 

Notes:  This story is very VERY loosely based on a revelation I had today. Actually, after I finished it I realized it no longer had to do with anything at all.  As always, twisted to make it yaoi Gundam Wing.  The nice thing about it is that this is MUCH less personal than “Insane” was, a fic which I still hate.

 

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The past years have taught me a lot.  Well, then again, who wouldn’t learn having been through what I’ve been through?  I should’ve learned my lesson the first time everyone I loved died.  The world is not for me.  Sure, I have to be one of the luckiest people in the world, some would say.  After all, I’ve cheated death so many times, had so much good fortune.  Ha!  What they don’t see is the rest of the stuff, the things which have made my life so painful.  I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life.  I have scars to prove it.  Not just the ones from battles, either.  The worst part is that I came to rely on other people again.  Relying on other people is my biggest fault.  Falling in love with Heero proved almost fatal, in more ways than one.  I still don’t know why he just didn’t kill me.  Maybe he was hoping I’d kill myself over him first.  Heero does seem to have this thing against killing those he sees as innocent, no matter how annoying they are.  Thing is, I always display myself as happy and carefree, while I’m anything but innocent inside.  Now that the war is over, I’ve finally realized just the way things are, and have come to accept them.  First of all, trusting people has never caused anything good to happen.  I have always been betrayed or let down in some way.  I’m sure there’s SOMEONE out there worthy of my trust, but if I ever should find that person, I’d be nothing but a curse to them.  My mask makes me loud and annoying, and what’s beyond the mask is even worse.  I’m not worthy of anyone, so why even bother?  No matter how hard I try to make myself acceptable to everyone, they just end up hating me more and more while I become hopelessly attached to them.  Heero.  Case in point.  Everything I ever did was to please him, but I always ended up fucking things up somehow.  At one point, I could’ve sworn we were almost friends, but it’s IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with someone like Heero.  Sometimes I wish real life were just like in the mangas and fanfics... where everything turns out great in the end.  That real life were really just a big misunderstanding instead of just my hopeful thinking.  Always, maybe he’s just in denial, maybe things will turn out the way I want for just once, maybe I deserve something good, maybe....  well, maybe nothing.  After so many years of taking shit like this, and hoping, and suffering, I’ve finally learned a lot.  It’s time that I move on with things.  I thought that my life would never be complete unless I had someone to love and trust.  Well, I’ve finally learned that there is no one out there for me.  And even if there were, I’m certainly not worthy of them.  Things never turn out like I want them to.  I may get a few of the small things I want, a cup of cocoa on a cold day, Christmas without a mission, a chance to dance in the rain, but I have never got the bigger things.  The peace I’ve worked so hard for is so shaky... and there is no such thing as permanent peace.  In 200 years (if they can keep peace even that long) they will all have forgotten this war, and someone will want a change of some sort, or someone will get too powerful, and there will be war.  I’ve never gotten a family... my first family was taken away from me because of my mistakes.  I thought I almost had a family now, with the other Gundam pilots.  But after the war we all went are separate ways.  We tried to stay together, of course, but reality bites.  I see most of them next to never.  I can deal with being alone.  I’ve done it before.  I can train myself to be self-reliant and completely independent once more.  What a shame; for a while, I really felt like I was alive.  But good things in life aren’t for me.  Happiness has never once in my life lasted.  There have been times when I was sure it couldn’t go wrong, that everything was too perfect to fall apart, that maybe I really DID deserve to be happy like everyone else.  But after you’ve seen your dreams fall apart time after time, you really begin to wonder if maybe you were wrong about everything.  I’ve decided that I simply can’t live this way anymore, can’t take the ups and downs anymore.  Especially not the downs.  I’ve stopped believing in the goodness in man.  I have nothing to live for, but after having been suicidal so many times, I’ve realized that killing myself is simply not an option.  For one thing, letting myself be torn apart to the point where I want nothing more than to kill myself is NOT a fun way to go.  I’ve tried numbing the pain, forgetting about it, but I’ve realized that doing that is just gonna make it worse when something finally DOES cause you to feel.  The best thing I can do is just accept the fact that I don’t deserve anything.  Why?  I can’t see any reason that this all began in this life... this is probably redemption for some sin in a past life.  That can be the only explanation.  Actually, that’s a nice thought.  That means that once I’ve finished paying off my debt in this life, my next life should be fairly decent, right?  Seems I can’t live without hope after all.  I have to hope for something.  I’m young, after all.  I’ve made it this far.  I’ve still got a good 70 years ahead of me for something good to happen.  So I might as well forget about everything so far, and make a new life.  I can live off fanfiction till then, right?  Right!  I’ll even cut down on listening to that metal stuff that Heero so hates.  If all else fails, I’ll just get a big glass of warm milk, a little inspirational reading [1], and go to bed.  Things always tend to look better in the morning.

 

 

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1.  I was referring to stuff like Chicken Soup for the Soul and the like.  Not religious stuff.  I’m not a very religious person myself, and I doubt that Duo would trust God after all he’s been through. 

 

Afterword:  This is the ROUGH DRAFT!  Can you believe it?  That means that at some point in the future I’m gonna do more work on this!  I don’t know why, except that I don’t think it sucks as bad as the rest of the fics in waiting and the one fic I’ve completed.  And it’s not too depressing.  For me, at least.  *^,^*