This page is a lot like an entry from my diary (without mentioning my crushes). I had just received an issue of TEEN Magazine in the mail and upon flipping through the pages I found an article entitled "Mean Teens". Just recently I have found myself confronted by the exact type of people mentioned in the article. The harrasment has been so bad I was tempted to take drastic measures ... (which I will elaborate on later) to end it. Written below is exactly what I have been feeling and I fully intend to write a heartfelt letter to the people at TEEN and congratulate them.

However like a diary I feel it is a little bit personal as it illustrates my views and weaknesses. So this page will probably not remain here long. Well never say I didn't occasionally open up.

" 'Being harassed by your peers is a devastating experience, a wound that never heals,' says Robert R. Butterworth. "During the teen years, your self-esteem is just developing, and it’s not so much how you feel about yourself, but how others feel about you that counts. When you are ridiculed, you’re self-esteem nose-dives, and it can lead to depression, withdrawal, and avoidance of school.' Or worse."

Well, just when I think no one knows how I feel, this is a welcome article. What they don’t mention is how a simple complement can have a teen walking on air for at least the entire day, sometimes longer. A pity people aren’t as willing to dish out kind remarks as they are to slam you into the ground with harsh words.

" Take the case of 13-year-old Kelly Yeomans from Derby, England. For three long years, the shy girl was hounded by a pack of schoolmates because she was overweight and a member of the Salvation Army band. Things came to an ugly climax last fall when the gang laid siege to her home for several nights, throwing stones, eggs and margarine, and yelling insults. It was the last straw for Kelly. Unable to bear the humiliation, she swallowed a fatal dose of her mothers painkillers. "

Painkillers. Well there’s a way I never thought of. But suicide certainly crossed my mind on several occasions, usually after particularly nasty encounters at school. I wanted to escape the pain, but I also secretly hoped that the people who tormented me would feel guilty about it. I even wrote out a few notes to place strategically around my body after I did it, all of them blaming those cold-hearted bitches and condemning them to hell. I hope that pack in England carries that guilt forever. They deserve it.

" The kids who drove Kelly to suicide knew exactly how to 'get' her, tailoring their torments to push all her buttons. Typical "nyah-nyah-nyah" teasing peaks in the upper elementary school grades and middle school, and most kids outgrow that kind of behavior when they hit high school. "

I know for a fact that’s not always true ....

" 'Teens tend to become more mature and empathetic,' Thomas says. But not all kids turn into nice guys , and those who don’t might be capable of crueler stunts and, thanks to their years of experience of being mean, might develop what Thomas calls 'an uncanny sense of how to go for the jugular.' "

Funny how they compare these "mean teens" to wild animals. Of course it’s also the wicked truth. I wonder what drives them. Probably they get a self-esteem boost from hurting those around them. Maybe if everyone else is a quivering mass of nerves they’ll look better by comparison. That seems to be the typical trend among the "popular people". They can never be too high on the social ladder, and after all their enemies have been reduced to nothing, they’re ready to turn on their friends. Or perhaps it’s simply the scent of fresh blood ...

" What makes a person so mean? "

Now here’s a question I’ve asked myself and others more than once.

" Anger and insecurity, according to Butterworth: 'These people tend to be hypersensitive and defensive. They may have been bullied or teased themselves, or grew up in an environment where verbal and/or physical abuse is common.' "

Sorry, but I’m not feeling an excess of pity here. They deserve twice what they give, regardless of their home environment. The last thing I need is for a bunch of doctors to justify the actions of these maniacs. Try that with a cop. "I only shot him 'cause my parents used to beat me."

" The average tormentor comes off tough, but inside feels weak and scared - so he or she takes out those feelings on someone perceived as more vulnerable. "

Fucking cowards. Although sometimes their ego gets a little too big for their skull and they attack someone who’s more than what they seem. They don’t handle the backlash too well. But it’s perfect poetic justice. Not to mention fun to watch.

" Another factor in cruel behavior is the mob mentality. 'Put a group of people together and they may do things they might not normally do alone,' says Butterworth. 'They do it to fit in a prove themselves to the group.' Then a kind of hierarchy develops, and the kids will make fun of others to show they are top dog of the social pyramid. "

I’m pretty sure I mentioned that already. Like a bunch of sharks who eat all the fish in a feeding frenzy and then devour each other.

" Who can be cruel to whom is an example of who has more status and power. "

That’s all too true. In 8th grade we had a pecking order even within my group of "friends". You didn’t dare insult the top dog for fear of being kicked out of the group. But our leader certainly had plenty of fun bashing us, and I confess that when I was battered pretty badly, I usually turned around and took it out on the one of the "lower" girls in the group.

" Ridiculing others makes Josh Rosas, 17, feel powerful. ' I do it to show I don’t like people ...' "

Wow, Josh. I hope everyone who doesn't like you makes it a point to let you know. I'm sure you care, right?

" ' ... I can really get people good,' he brags. On the flip side, Josh can be curiously blind to how much his words or actions wound. He assumes that if his targets don’t show pain, they aren’t feeling any-which gives him license to prey on people. Josh and his buddies routinely hassle a homosexual at school, for example. They mimic his speech and movements, call him foul names - but the gay teen responds by lightly saying, 'Come on, you guys,' then walking away. 'He doesn’t really care,' says Josh. 'He can take it.' "

Well fear of homosexuals is a common "guy-thing" I guess. I know a few lesbians - though they’re about 30 years older than me - and I’ll never feel threatened by them the way a guy would be by a gay man. They’re all so busy trying to prove their masculinity that they don’t notice they’re coming off as immature jerks. They also don’t notice all the girls are flocking around the gay guy because he’s interesting.

" Why me? That’s what Maryam constantly asks herself. So what if she dresses conservatively and practices a religion foreign to most of her peers? 'I’m a normal person. I like to do what everyone else does: go to the mall and the beach, go swimming and hiking,' she says. They aren’t tolerant of anything a little bit different.' Maryam is a target because she’s unusual, while Ashley thinks she’s one because the kids are so accustomed to using her as if she has a bull’s-eye tattooed to her forehead. 'They started teasing me when I was in third grade,' she sighs, 'and they haven’t stopped.' "

Well sometimes different is better. Of course anything new is threatening to certain types ... What if those “popular people” can’t pull it off? Maybe Maryam’s religion has some interesting rituals involved in it, and if people started to admire her lifestyle, that simply wouldn’t do. People will hold you back whenever they get the chance.

" Some teens say there’s a logic - albeit a skewed one - to who they victimize. In Josh’s world view, only those teens who can 'help' their problem deserve to be pestered. He would never ridicule the special education kids at school, but homosexuals and overweight girls are free game since, as he says, 'They could change if they wanted to.' "

Poor Josh. What if they did? Most of the people who prey on innocents who "could change" tend to think if the person ever did change they’d be thankful for the little "push". I’ve been pushed plenty, and as I grow and learn about the ways of the world, you can bet I’m not feeling any love for my tormentors. In fact, it’s tempting for the ex-victims to fight back once they gain in popularity. Some of the bullies out there might carelessly insult last year's bookworm only to find that he or she has made some rather powerful friends, and then they find themselves staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, both metaphorically and sometimes literally speaking. Well, isn’t it ironic?

" Lorraine Castner, 18, thinks it’s okay to verbally bash people who teased her when she was younger. 'They deserve it,' Lorraine says matter-of-factly, as if two wrongs make a right. "

Well maybe two wrongs don’t make a right, but it seems as if it comes pretty damned close sometimes. The anger that builds inside is unbearable, and giving it back to those who gave it is better than giving to someone else, much like the bullies themselves. However I strive not to, which is why I have developed this habit of "bashing" these people late at night, with only my computer to bear the brunt of my anger. But when a friend or acquaintance asks about some of the rumors flying around, or why that girl was yelling at me across campus, sometimes you’re expected to send a few rumors about her flying back into her face. If you just shrug off the question people might think they’re true, or that you feel you deserved the insult. And when those gangs who act more like hungry dogs than teenagers back me into a corner in public, you can bet they will be confronting a young girl acting more like a caged animal defending young.

" Take a tip from Maryam, who can see the good in the cruelty she has endured. 'I’ve learned how strong I am. I can withstand a lot and still survive, and this will help me get through whatever tough times I’ll face in the future.' "

That’s very true as well. Sometimes when you stand on your own, and fight evil without reverting to evil yourself, you get that same "powerful" feeling, although in a purer, better form. Plus you attract personalities who tend to act the same. Friends for life, instead of friends for a moment. But it’s one of those "whatever doesn’t kill me just makes me stronger" lessons that aren’t fun to learn, and the power that comes from throwing back your own insults is more easily achieved. The passive-yet-pure approach also makes your attackers more confident, and they’re likely to keep pounding that lesson in. In this world ethics and morals can be a confusing thing, and I find I’m not doing much better than anyone else at understanding which path is the right one. Maybe I’ll be able to walk the line between the two.

Well that about wraps it up. I think I will crawl back into my shell now. It's kinda warm and comfy in there. :) And to any of you out there who would take the position as tormentor: