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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you. Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common? A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it. Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. Q: What do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth? A: A Gladiator. Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie? A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie. Q: Why do Southern guys go to family reunions? A: To meet chicks. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at the jail? A: "Stop playing with my lunch." I will be honest. My dick is the same size as a kindergartner. About 4 feet. Q: How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg? A: Pick him up and start sucking his dick. I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." Q: What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob? A: You'll never hear a guy getting a bj say "slow down, stop, BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!" Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak). The Answer: A Cockrobin. The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman? Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace. Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: 'Cos once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box! Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson? A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid .........yes? Well bubbles is back in town and he'd love to see you. Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina? A: A woman. Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A: A salad shooter........... Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? A: Because he's the only Queen who gives a fuck. Q: What is the difference between women and computers? A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy. Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?? A: Hanson. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Amazingly, the woman who brought charges against Marv Albert has announced that she wants to be sportscaster. NBC gave her an audition but she sucked. Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up? A: Because it might lead to dancing. Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spit, swallow and gargle. Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man? A: E.T. phoned home. Q: What has four legs and eight arms? A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area. Q: Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair? A: Because if they dragged them by the feet, they would fill up with mud. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him/her? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud." The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe." Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable". Q: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A: Lifting his legs while you vacuum. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business. Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest? A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life! Q: What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. Q: Why do tampons have strings? A. So you can floss after eating. Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you. Q: How are men and parking spaces a lot alike? A: The good ones are always taken and the rest are "handicapped." Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger? A: They both dig dead people's holes Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls? A: The Spice Girls! Q: How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? A: His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing! Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms? A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year! Q: What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva? A: The former is a hunt on the course..... Q: What do Chris Farley and Michael Kennedy have in common? A: They both died on white powder. Q: Did you hear about the prostitute with the collostomy? A: She wanted to make a little money on the side. Q: What's the difference between a choirmaster and a baby? A: A baby sucks his fingers. Sonny Bono becomes latest member of the ow! pine ski team Q: What kind of tree did Kennedy hit? A: 14 year old virgin fir Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall? A: Depends on how hard you throw them. Q: What do you call a used tampon floating in a river? A: A blood vessel. Q: What did President Clinton say when asked, 'Did you have sex with Paula Jones?' A: He replied, 'That's not entirely true. She never inhaled.' Q: What is the difference between a cowboy hat and a syphillitic penis? A: A cowboy hat is Western Felt (festering welt) Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics? A: Because men keep telling them that this || is 12 inches. Q: How do you satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A: It takes a village. Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A: Cos women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q: What's the difference between a seagull and a baby? A: A seagull flits along the shore. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: What does Hillary Clinton do right after she shaves her pussy? A: She sends him to work Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM: THE TREES StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KILl oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK. theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS". Q: Why do they call it P.M.S.??? A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time. Q: What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep headed for Montana? A: A pimp. Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A: A whore screws everyone, a bitch screws everyone except you. Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods Q: Why do women have two sets of lips? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time. Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister? A: An only child. It's always been small..... One time I put it in a girl's hand, and she said, "Paul, you know I don't get high..." Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards? A: She gets her ass chewed out. Q: What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?" A: A blind person with a rubix cube. Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? A: The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out. Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A: A spreader of old wives' tails... Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said, "You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors." To which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then....." Q: Did you hear about the "guilty nanny diet?" A: A few healthy shakes for breakfast & lunch and a vegi for dinner. Q: Why did God create woman? A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Q: Why are men and like spray paint? A: One squeeze and they're all over you. A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special......we just flat out tell'em they're gonna die............. Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ? A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins ! Q. What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand? A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts. Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? A: Wipe it off and apologise. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being. Q: Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote? A: He can't go into a cubicle alone. "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote. Q: How can you tell if your wifes cooking is really lousy? A: Pygmies from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it. It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!" Did you hear about the guy who bought his wife a new coat and a dildo? He figured if she didn't like the coat, she could go fuck herself. HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!" First man, "Want to come camping?" Q: Whats the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist? A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush. Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69? A: Odor eaters! Q: What does a 90 year old snatch smell like? A: Depends. Dead baby Jokes Q: Whats small, goes around in circles and taps on the window ? A: Baby in a microwave Q: What's blue and sits in the corner? A: A dead baby Q: What's green and sits in the corner? A: Same baby two weeks later Q: Whats small, brown, and spits ? A: Baby in a frying pan Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first ? A: So you can watch it's expression change. Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street? A: Staple it to a chicken. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Take your foot off its head. or A: One scoop of dead baby and three scoops of ice cream. Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a telephone booth? A: Blender Q: How do you get them out? A: Straw Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner? A: A baby chewing on an extention cord. Q: What's small, red, and can't turn corners? A: A baby with a javelin through its head. Q: What is pink, red and silver and bumps into walls? A: A baby with forks in it's eyes Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby? A: Skidding Q: What's even sicker? A: Picking it out of the tires Q: What gets shorter & shorter and redder & redder? A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler. Q: What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of oats? A: You can't use a pitchfork in oats. Q: what's worse than a hundred dead babies on the back of a truck? A: 100 dead babies on the back of a truck and a live one eating its way out from the bottom? Why do the doctors always have a bowl of hot water nearby when they deliver babies? So that if the baby dies, they can make some soup. An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Mexican, an Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?" Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Slow. Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says,"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down" Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her" Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex? A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards. Q: How do you make a dog drink? A: Put it in a blender. Q: Why did God put men on earth? A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn London, 19th May Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals. Q: What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian? A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker. Q: What's the best part of eating cherry pie yet the worst part of eating hair pie? A: The crust. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A: A pick pocket snatches watches. Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: What's white and clings to a toilet wall? A: George Michael's latest release. A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle. All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later." Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication. Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife are? The prostitute says "That'll be $100." The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!" The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man. Q: What's the definition of Australian aristocracy? A: A man who can trace his lineage back to his father. A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..." The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra. Men are like disposable tissues... You can pick them up, blow them and then toss them aside Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote. Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You can't gargle with sand. Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney. Q: What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium? A: If you don't get a fuck you don't give a fuck. Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist? A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gyneologist looks up your family bush. Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?" HER: "Because you're never home when it happens." Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted. Q: How do you get a man to eat shit? A: Wipe forwards. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: Why are men like blenders? A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why ...o r...They burn out if you run them to hard... Q: Why are hangovers better than women? A: Hangovers will go away. Q: How do you know when your sister is on the rag? A: When your dad's dick tastes like blood. buttonboder