Q. Uhm ... I have some questions. (extreeeemely innocent
grin)
A. (shiver...)
Q. So, you really believe that...you know... Nick and LaCroix:
a) Boink each other on a regular basis?
b) Play "Slave Auction" every Wednesday? (waves to April)
c) Have done it six ways from Sunday, including a few ways even
*we* haven't dreamed up yet?
d) Own lots of Surgi-Lube stock?
e) Hump like rutting weasels?
f) Have SEX?
g) All of the above and more?
Q. What do the members of the UF think LaCroix was talking about in Last Knight when he was babbling about precious fruit, especially fresh peaches? Was he carrying on like that about something he certainly cannot remember or savor the taste of after two thousand years as a bloodsucker, or was he really on about Nickie? His complexion so like a Georgian Peach, his butt, so blushing and covered in the finest fuzz, his navel, so sweet and succulant????? Or perhaps Peaches were the nick name LaCroix had for Nickie's special prizes, so full and fuzzy and perfect for a late night snack????? Was he just trying to say what he never could???? Life is like you, best in heavy syrup, my silly fuzzy boy? Huh? Waddya think????
A. Seeing as peaches were not available to the Romans, being an import from the far east to Europe during the middle ages, I believe you are correct in emphasizing the ... tactile qualities of the peach; rounded, firm yet yielding, that weight resting with that promising fullness in one's palm, the plush velvet of the skin, so alluring to the fingertips and which creates a yearning desire to lift it to one's mouth and trail one's lips over it before sinking one's teeth into its flesh... Though of course, Lacroix would not wish to bite a *peach*.
Q. Exactly how many cast phalluses has LaCroix given Nick?
A. Only one. (The original was always available, after all.) See, that's why he was so mad at Nick in the fb for Father's Day, because Nick had traded it for those herbs from the apothecary. And they had lost the mold just before that scene in Hunters where they're being chased by the mob. 'Cuz Janette and Nick were making a little cash on the side by selling copies to the women in the town and their husbands, etc, became irate when they suddenly had competition they couldn't measure up to. So they came after the Trio, smashing up their house (and the mold) first. And Lacroix hadn't found making the mold particularly amusing in the first place, finding it clammy and itchy, and then he had to deal with getting plaster off of some sensitive spots, not to mention finding it in his pubic hair for days afterwards. So he never got around to making another mold, even when Nick suggested he shave first before making the replacement.
A. How many has Nat borrowed?
Q. As you know, Nick was frequently unwilling to share the more private areas of his life with Natalie.
Q. Did Janette borrow some to use as hat stands during the Victorian era?
A. Nick had only the one during the Victorian era and he was frequently unwilling to share the more private areas of his life with Janette (though with their psychic bond, he was never able to hide much from her). However, a mysterious benefactor funded an archeological dig of the ruins of the town from which the Trio was forced to flee in Hunters, and a large number of interestingly shaped and unnecessarily over-sized coat "pegs" were discovered there and made their way to an exclusive men's club in the East End of London.
Q. Why have none of them shown up at the charity auctions?????? (My guess is they're lining SOMEBODY'S dungeon wall and won't ... surface for years.)
A. Regarding this, you might have to ask Nick or perhaps the NAs. I haven't a klew.
Q. What color hanky do you wear to symbolize that you are a member of the UF at an FK hanky party? Golden Honey and Peach Paisley???? Is it left side, you are a member of the UF, right side, need convincing???? Or right side LURKER?????????
A. They have FK hanky parties..? And you didn't invite me? Anyway, the UF doesn't go the hanky route. We stick a bunch of honey sticks in our back pockets, left for applicator and right for applicatee. That way we always have our favorite - ahem - condiment should the occasion arise. This is also why UFers could be called the "Honey Buns" as the sticks occasionally rupture when we sit.
Q. Is there any canon to support who was the better bowler, LaCroix or Nick?
A. As they have never bowled on-screen (though we know a great deal of interesting events occurred off-screen) we have no canonical evidence either way. Some would point out that Lacroix, being so old and powerful, would necessarily be the better bowler. However, as hinted in Avenging Angel ("Your powers of suggestion need honing" - LC to NK), vampiric skills improve with practice. It is unlikely that Lacroix would spend the time necessary in a bowling alley to develop this skill, as the cigarette smoke that permeates these establishments would leave his hair and clothing smelling like an ash tray. Nick, on the other hand, in an attempt to become more like the mortals he desires to be, would go through any amount of discomfort to achieve that goal, including wearing a pair of bowling shoes that Lacroix would not be caught alive in.
Q. What about Nat, she looks like she could roll a pretty mean candlepin.
A. Perhaps. Unfortunately, Nick never invited her out on a date (unlike Lacroix), and she had such rotten luck finding suitable males, that she probably never got a chance to practice. Though maybe she and Grace would go out after work to work out some frustrations slamming some balls down on a hard wood floor.
Q. Could a return to the lanes in the third season have brought Nick and LaCroix closer without all the violence that TPTB forced upon us?
A. I dunno. I would hate to see what kind of damage a bowling ball lobbed by one of Our Guys could do.
However, it is an intriguing venture to fantasize (and the UF is very, *very* good at fantasizing) about a game between the two, placing it in the halycon days (and nights) of the second season, and adding Schanke and Natalie into the mix to heighten the tension. I guess the Schank-meister would be considered a sandbagger, eh? And LaCroix wouldn't be afraid to use his vampiric powers to heighten his sight - thereby improving his aim. Whereas Nick's always breaking out in a sweat and you know how difficult it is to get a grip on the ball when your hands are sweaty. Mortals vs. Immortals? Well, Nick's the first one to say that it's all his fault and I'm going to have to believe that he'd choke on this kinda tourney play. Not only would he get all flustered watching LaCroix wipe his balls, I think he'd get jealous of the friendly banter between LC & Nat and LC & Schanke. (There are, after all, those rumors about ... you know, Lacroix and ... well, those *Valentines* and those *UnSuiteds* and as the saying goes, where there's smoke, there's fire... And Nick would be so intent on trying to figure out if LaCroix was stepping out on him, that his own game would go in the toilet.)
Q. Is Janette a member of the UF?
A. No, she's officially a member of the Dark Trinity, though I suspect she's really a FoD that hasn't come out of the closet.
Q. Does the proposed script for the FK movie, written by the UF, really take place in one room with only TWO of the actors from the cast? What is the rating? Will there be merchandising deals?
A. It takes place in *two* rooms, one a bath, and an outside setting, though the other room and the outside location have not been, as of yet, divulged to the viewing public. *All* of the FK characters have been written into the script, though interaction between two of them is being highlighted. Whether all the other characters will appear or not depends on whether those cast members will agree to wear the costumes necessary to create the proper ambiance. The rating is reported as being UF - UltraFuzzy (there's that 'peach' thing again). We are negotiating with a leather goods supplier to create a tasteful line of merchandise based on the events in the movie.
Q. Has the Billy doll company made a deal with TPTB to make Nick and LaCroix dolls from four of the UF's favorite epiosodes? Will the little buttons and zippers work?
A. Are you saying that they'll come with clothes? Whatever for?
Q. What will you have to pull on to make the fangs extend?
A. Well, usually these types of 'inter-active' toys have a button on their backs -- I'm thinking that, with a little bit of balancing, Doll-LaCroix can press Doll-Nick's button to make the fangs come out. Just like on the show!
(With thanks to Karies for asking the questions and Laurey, Shele and Leslie for answering them.)