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Love is intrinsic, right? I thought so. Nobody told me anything different. In fact, all the voices seem to say, "Just fall in love, and everything else will take care of itself."
So 15 years ago I did what lots of others do: I fell in love, got married and started a family. And like many others, when a divorce came, I assumed I had done all that I could.
What I didn't know then was that I needed to challenge many of my assumptions about love. I thought I was just a nice guy in a wrong relationship. There must be someone in the world destined to be my wife. All I had to do was find her. None of the assumptions was blatantly wrong or misleading. But there was a lot of vital information missing.
As a single father taking care of three young boys, I found that simple answers were harder to find. Many divorced people find dating to be challenging. Blending relationships, ex's and children bring out issues that were never there in earlier, unfettered days. Although the difficulties bring a sense of cynicism, I never wanted to allow myself to accept feelings of futility. It's always possible to learn and grow. Where there is possibility there is hope.
It might sound like an oversimplification to say that every relationship requires a sense of "otherness." Although I considered myself a caring person, I wasn't aware of the need to take someone else's emotional needs as my own. I pictured myself as an individual, having a relationship with another separate individual. I hardly recognized the relationship as having a character and life of its own, involving both individuals' interactions, emotions and personalities.
This meant for me that I needed to begin recognizing a woman's different heart issues and emotions. Rather than just dismissing her different states as a "woman thing," I needed to try to understand how she might be feeling. I can tell you this does not come naturally to men.
The more I learned, the more I recognized the need for growth. My fiancee and I learned that there are many storybook ideas about love that just don't hold water in the real world. Many common assumptions are far from harmless. In fact, the media's efforts to ridicule chastity and morality affect generations of lives, families and relationships. Other twisted ideas undermine our efforts to relate to each other in caring ways.
A little over a year ago, I was looking for credible reports on Y2K and came across Chet Day's "Health and Beyond." You can find a smorgasbord of offerings at ChetDay.com. Besides getting a newsletter on nutrition and wellness, I subscribed to his e-mail newsletter "TheHomeworker," where Chet first gave me the idea to mail my own newsletter, as a way to promote my music CD.
I tried my hand at a couple of articles about what I've learned, then took the plunge. I recognized from the beginning, that I have no qualifications for the job. And there must be thousands of experts out there giving good advice. So why should I pitch my hat into the crowded ring? But I noticed that essential information seemed to be neglected, such as agency, choice, charity and personal responsibility.
I started writing weekly articles, trying to understand how love is nurtured and how we tend to sabotage our own efforts in maintaining loving relationships. One of my first realizations was that we can't leave God out of love. Love and faith go together. I could not secularize the concepts to reach a wider audience, without sacrificing truth.
Christ's is the purest form of love. We can only try to follow His example by loving one another without condemning others for their weaknesses or differences. Anything less than this is something other than love.
One year ago, Learning Love and Life began. I have followed a certain formula for each newsletter. Each topic deals with a principle about love and relationships. Issues are brought up, showing how common sense usually falls short of truth. I try to treat subjects with frankness. And most of all, I try to see positive actions we can take to be caring in our interactions.
I started e-mailing friends and family, trying to get them to take my little newsletter seriously. It didn't really take off until some site owners gave links to promote Learning Love and Life. They have made it possible for hundreds of people to find the site, while we negotiated with InterNic to get a working domain identity. I list the site owners at the end of every newsletter, and it isn't enough to thank them for their kind service.
What makes Learning Love and Life valuable is the life of each reader who touches others and spreads love. I appreciate your comments, corrections, ideas, shared experiences and valuable perspectives. It has been a rewarding year hearing from several of you and getting a sense of the wonderful experiences in your lives.
Alice Domar, Ph.D., is the director of Harvard Medical School's Mind/Body Center for Women's Health and is the author of Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else."
By taking care of your own needs, you become better equipped to take care of all the other demands. While so many of us present smart, tough fronts to the world, we still suffer from grave insecurities and unfulfilled dreams. Self-nurturing allows one to rise up with renewed strength and confidence.
Self-Nurture:
Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else
by Alice Domar, Ph.D., and Henry Dreher
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