Back to the Dream Page
Chapter 6
Her brave front didn't last long. As soon as Dee and JC had left spread to word to the rest of the guys before going off to have dinner by themselves, Kat had gone into her room and sat on the bed with nothing to do. She felt hollow and didn't know what to do. Slowly, she got up and went to the closet. Quickly, she retrieved a box that had been carefully tucked away in one corner and sat back on the bed. Knowing she'd be alone for at least the next couple of hours, she opened the box and took out its contents. In it were all the treasures and keepsakes she'd been getting from her secret admirer. She picked up the Teddy nurse figurine, and finally, tears long held back overflowed.
What am I doing? I'm so hopeless. I've been spending so much time on myself I didn't even notice how close Dee and JC had gotten. But now that I know, I'm happy for them. Those two deserve the best, and they can get that in each other. So why do I feel so detached? Stop fooling yourself, Kathryn. You know the answer to that one. You're depressed because everywhere around you, your friends are all hooking up and you're still alone. Sure, the whole secret admirer thing is nice, but until he shows himself, he's unreal. You're alone. Bright, charming, friendly Kathryn is still alone. It could be true that someone out there loves me… But it could all just be a joke, too. Why hadn't I thought about that before? The guys could just be fooling around again.
Desperately, she tried to believe that this was true, that the guys were just playing a joke and she could laugh along with them when they finally told her. But her heart wouldn't let her. Something about these letters won't let me believe that it's all just a joke. It just can't be!
Through her tears, she carefully rewrapped all the gifts and put them back into the box, leaving only the nurse figurine out. Then she turned to the phone and dialed a number. She needed to talk to someone, and she knew just the person.
Chris had felt that something was wrong when he picked up his cell phone and saw Kat's number. Quickly, he picked it up and at her request for him to come as soon as possible, he dropped the game of Monopoly he'd been playing with the other guys and gone. And now here he was, at Kat's door, waiting for it to be opened. And then there she was, in front of him with crumpled tissue in hand and eyes gone red from recent crying. "Kat! What's wrong?"
He came in and as soon as she had closed the door, he hugged her close. She held on tight, her sobbing growing stronger again now that he was here. "Shh, come on now. It'll be all right. There, there. Come on, let's sit down." Kat let herself be led over to the couch and they sat down. He took her hands in his and made her look up at him. "Now Kathryn, tell me. I'm listening."
She didn't even flinch at him using her full name. Something must be really wrong. She hates it when I use that name. She stared up at him a moment before collapsing, once again, into his arms. Slowly, everything came out. "Everything's wrong, Chris. I'm tired of everything. I don't know if this is a continuation of anything I was feeling earlier, but I feel like I'm drowning. So many things are happening and I can't keep up. I guess it's just everything piling up and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I feel like such a baby. Here I am, still in school, and everyone I know around me is going their separate ways, usually, with someone they love and care for deeply. I mean, you saw JC and Dee just now. I'm happy for them, but I never thought I could also be jealous! I don't know why, but I am! Those two get to share something special and here I am all alone. JC and I talked about it earlier when I was on my usual jog, but it didn't helped. You know how much I hate change. The group's splitting up, growing up, and I'm left behind. And tomorrow, you guys leave again, and once again, I'm left behind."
Chris sat there silent, slowly rubbing her back to calm her down as she related everything to him. "Is that all?" After a hesitation, Kat shook her head no. He waited, but apparently, she needed some help getting started on this new topic. "What else is bothering you?"
"Chris, out of everyone in the group, I've been the closest to you. I've told you everything, and I guess I feel extremely guilty because I haven't told you something that's been bothering me for a long while now." She timidly looked up at him and he hugged her, giving her the support she needed to go on. "The day after you guys had left the last time you guys were here, I got a note from a secret admirer. Since then, the guy has been sending little gifts here and there, declaring his love for me. It shocked me. I didn't know what to do. All I could do was keep on accepting the gifts because I knew that if I hadn't, I'd be locked up with regret of what could have been. Even as I say that though, I still can't help but hate it. It keeps plaguing my mind. It's so unreal and that's why I started to think of it as all a joke. I want to believe that it's all a lie so I can stop letting myself go to this stranger, but I can't. Something seems too real, too sincere for it all to be just a hoax. It was so hard trying to keep this part of my life hidden from all of you, especially you, but I didn't know what to do. I hated keeping it from you, but I didn't know how to bring it up."
The tears prevented her from going on any further, but it was enough for Chris. He felt incredibly guilty then, but he couldn't say anything, not just yet. He had made a promise to himself and he was going to keep it. But at such a cost… He looked down at Kat, who'd finally given in to her tears and fallen asleep in his arms. He held onto her for a long time afterward, thinking…