Back to the Dream Page
Troy worriedly watched over Gabriella as she slept in the white room that smelled so strongly of disinfectant and all the other strong odors that came with hospitals. It was now Tuesday, about four days after Troy found his girlfriend, well if she would still be his girlfriend, sitting on her bed, calmly and willingly slicing into her own arm. Troy flexed his right hand and grimaced in pain as his cuts and stitches protested at the movement, his blue eyes briefly leaving the brunette who was sound asleep to look at his right hand, seeing the bandages and visible cuts that were still healing.
He thought back to the panic, the fear, the shock of seeing Gabriella with a sharp object in her tiny hands, piercing her own beautifully dark and blemish free skin. To put it simply, Troy had panicked as he watched her cut herself the first time, pounding on the door that was locked only to be ignored or not be heard, screaming her name at the top of his lungs, trying to somehow get to her. When Gabriella was poised to do it again, Troy knew he had to stop it. His mind didn't know what she was trying to do but whether it was with the intent to kill or not, Troy needed to end it. Without thought, Troy had broken a square pane of glass closest to her locked door handle and had opened it from the inside, throwing it wide open, frozen in his spot as her startled eyes met his. There was an intense storm brewing inside those brown orbs that Troy knew he wanted to, no needed to, save her from, especially when he saw that the second cut was bleeding so profusely, so much more than the first one.
Instinctively, Troy had moved, remembering from the mandatory PE course on first aid from sophomore year that he needed to put pressure on the cut so he had taken off his shirt, not caring that he'd never be able to wear it again, and wrapped it around her arm, trying to talk to her, saying her name over and over but not gaining more than a few looks from Gabriella. Mary had rushed into the room with a bathrobe over her pajama clad body, throwing the bedroom door open, screaming as she saw a shirtless Troy with her daughter, trying to stop the blood that refused to stop flowing from her wound, scared that maybe Gabriella had cut a major vein or nerve with that last cut, trying to recall what he had learned in the same first aid class. Troy had carried Gabriella down the stairs and into Mary's car before they rushed Gabriella to the emergency room, nurses and doctors immediately taking Gabriella from his hold after the receptionist saw how much blood now covered them both.
Soon after, Troy had been taken away as well to tend to his hand despite his protests of needing to be with Gabriella, wanting that medical attention on Gabriella instead. Troy remembered the sedative that they had forced into him through that long silver needle, instantly relaxing his body against Troy's inner turmoil and angst. After all the glass had been removed, his cuts tended to and stitched where necessary, all covered with bandages, Troy was finally released, watching as his parents, who had been called, signed his release papers. Lucille, Jack, and Mary had all watched Troy after that as all four of them waited in the sterile waiting room, Troy now wearing a shirt his parents had quickly grabbed from his room for him after receiving Mary's and the hospital's calls. Troy knew they all had questions they wanted answers to but he couldn't answer them, he couldn't even think of anything other than Gabriella being all right, needing her to be all right.
Relief had filled Troy's body as he heard the doctor give the good news to Mary that her daughter was alive a few hours later but felt his heart sink as the doctor mentioned the words "suicide watch," explaining that the hospital wanted to keep Gabriella a few days to monitor her behavior because of where the deep cut was but also the other cuts they noticed on her body, half of which had already started to heal and fade. Troy watched as Mary slowly collapsed into the chair right behind her as the news sank in that Gabriella had been cutting herself without her knowing, seeing his mother wrap Gabriella's mother in a comforting embrace, letting the other woman cry while a few tears escaped Lucille's own eyes. When Troy met his father's gaze, Troy saw the high amounts of concern and sympathy there that became less prominent in Troy's own view as his blue eyes watered at the mere thought that Gabriella could have slipped away from his grasp.
Eventually, Troy had told both police and Gabriella's mom, along with his parents, about what happened that night, how he had climbed up the balcony after the front door hadn't been answered after his numerous knocks and doorbell ringing and saw Gabriella there with that knife. Gratitude was clear on Mary's face while there was a bit of pride on both of his parents' faces that he had acted so well to what was happening but Troy couldn't savor it. Somewhere in the back of Troy's mind, he knew that he was partially to blame for Gabriella lying on that barred bed in front of him, her arms now free of the restraints that had held her until sometime yesterday for precaution, as the nurse told Troy on Saturday.
"Troy, do you need anything, like water or something to eat? You haven't eaten since dinner last night." Troy looked up at the source of the voice and shook his head, not thinking he could keep anything down at that moment still, even after all these days, not when Gabriella was suffering so. Lucille just nodded her head at her son, knowing she would go down to the cafeteria and get him a sandwich anyway, just as she had every other day they were here at the hospital. Troy had been forced to go to school yesterday but ended up skipping today as some of his teachers had told Coach Bolton that he may as well remain at the hospital, where they believed his mind and heart were.
Lucille looked at the other side of the room and saw Mary finally sleeping with her head leaning against the back of the recliner in the room, dark circles around her eyes. "I'll be back okay? I'm going to get something for everyone."
Troy just nodded his head in understanding, keeping his eyes trained on Gabriella. When she had first snapped out of her shocked state and woken up from the drugs she had been administered, Gabriella had been questioned thoroughly as to what happened, Troy remembering Gabriella's firm voice trying to explain that she wasn't trying to end her life, that she couldn't, not after Tristan. On Saturday, Gabriella had accepted being bound to the bed, being there so they could watch her, having anything sharp placed way out of her reach, but she would not accept the medical staff's accusation that she had tried to commit suicide. Troy had watched as Gabriella argued her points, adamantly pointing out that she was only cutting herself to relieve the pain and nothing more. He knew from the look in her eyes despite the few tears she cried that Gabriella was telling the truth, that she had survived someone else's suicide and knew that she never wanted to put her own mother and friends through the same pain.
Troy had watched all the activity in the single hospital room, making himself stand back from everything to allow Gabriella the attention she needed, the help everyone was trying to give her. When their eyes had finally locked later on Saturday, Gabriella looked at first happy to see him before another emotion crossed her face, one that Troy felt was most akin to shame. She quickly turned her face away from him, not able to meet Troy's eyes. Troy didn't push her, he let her dictate what he would do, and for that, Troy hadn't spoken a word to her the entire time he was in the hospital room with her.
From Saturday through Monday night, he was willing to let the silence between them linger, the questions in the air continue to hang, but today, when Troy was brought back by his parents right when visiting hours started, he was determined to find out really what was going on with her, what had happened to Tristan, and to beg Gabriella to forgive his absolute stupidity and lack of faith in her.
An hour or so later, Gabriella opened her eyes on her own, looking around for a few moments before she realized where she was and what she was doing there. Her head went to the left first and a small smile crept onto her face upon seeing her mother peacefully, although awkwardly, sleeping, and to Troy's surprise, that small smile stayed on her face as her head turned to the right, her eyes connecting with his.
Gabriella had already spoken to a psychologist, Dr. Christopher Johnson, here at the hospital several times during her hospital stay. She knew that she would continue to see him once she was released. Just recently, Dr. Johnson had recommended that Gabriella really try to reach out to those she trusted, who she loved to help her when she was unable to talk to him. After explaining that Gabriella had tried that before with her mother and her best friends, Dr. Johnson asked about a boyfriend or girlfriend, someone who knew Gabriella perhaps a bit more intimately. Immediately, Gabriella's thoughts had flown to Troy only to be triggered a few moments later by the image of Tristan, which made her cry and ache to cut herself again. Dr. Johnson had helped Gabriella just this morning realize that she was hurting her chance of recovery from the depression he believed she suffered from by cutting herself off from Troy entirely. He had even gone so far as writing the phrase "Talk to Troy" on a prescription that he handed to her with an encouraging smile on his face. When Gabriella had argued that Troy had broken up with her, Dr. Johnson pointed out that he had seen the same boy in her hospital room day after day, and that even if they weren't meant to get back together, it was clear that Troy cared and that he would be willing to help even as a friend.
"Good morning," she breathed, knowing she must look so idiotic at the moment with the grin she felt tugging on her closed lips, there because Troy was there. Troy had come back even after days of not talking to him, after seeing Gabriella at her worst. 'That has to mean something, right? Maybe he still cares, even as a friend, like Dr. Johnson said. Maybe I should give this a try, push the pride aside and try to talk to him. Don't be an idiot, why would he want you when he can have Sharpay or any other girl at East High?'
Troy studied Gabriella's face, feeling himself return her smile until it suddenly dropped, her brown eyes dulling a little. He tried not to allow himself to become panicky while he replied, "Good morning. How are you feeling?"
Gabriella took a few moments to think about how to respond, resolving to be honest as Troy had already seen Gabriella's latest craze in action, what she had been doing to bring herself here. "Like crap but yet somehow alive without the cutting. Are you even more disappointed in me?"
Confusion covered Troy's face as his forehead scrunched up, a physical symptom of Troy's puzzlement. "More disappointed in you? Brie, what are you talking about? I'm, well, I'm the one that failed you."
She watched as Troy got out of the chair and took tentative steps towards her bed until he was standing right next to her, hesitantly reaching his hand down to take hers in his, daring to lay a soft kiss on the back of her hand. "What do you mean?" she asked, her brown eyes searching his face, his stance, but most importantly his eyes, the windows into his soul.
After clearing his throat, Troy said, "I thought, I mean, well after our fight at school, and all, well what I'm trying to say…"
"Troy, please, what are you talking about?" interrupted Gabriella, feeling her stomach tighten in knots as she listened to his stumbling.
"I thought you broke up with me that night, the last time we spoke live over the phone," admitted Troy, suddenly looking away from Gabriella's face, finding the floor next to her bed interesting.
Gabriella was silent for a few moments as she struggled with Troy's statement, fighting to understand what could have made Troy really think that, wondering if maybe that was the reason why Troy was acting so weird around her, why he was around other girls while he wasn't really. "Is that why you've been hanging out with Sharpay? With the other girls? Did you go back to Sharpay immediately?"
"No!" exclaimed Troy, immediately shaking his head, his gaze meeting hers. "I could never go back to her on those terms. She's only a friend, that's it. I haven't done anything with her or any other girl, please believe that Brie. This is hypocritical of me to ask this of you since I apparently didn't have enough faith in you to believe you wouldn't have ended things on the phone and gone to Tristan so quickly but please, have faith in me and what we share, at least what I know we did share once upon a time."
"I never broke up with you Troy. In fact, that's the furthest away from the truth. Didn't you get my voicemails? Didn't you hear me explain it all on the phone?" asked Gabriella, mystified as to what really was going on.
Troy used his free hand to dig into his jeans pocket and drew out his new cell phone, showing Gabriella the red cell phone she had never seen before. A blush crept onto his cheeks as he swallowed a thickness in his throat before he answered, "I didn't get any of your voicemails until Friday night, when I came over to your house to talk to you about everything, when I found you. I, well, to be honest, I destroyed my old phone by throwing it against the wall of your house up on your balcony after you hung up the phone."
"I didn't hang up the phone, you did," returned Gabriella, immediately realizing that something was wrong with the current picture. "You didn't hang up on me though after I told you about Tristan's suicide did you?"
Troy shook his head as he thought back to that time period, forcing himself to see through the pain of thinking he had lost Gabriella. "I remember thinking you were in a bad reception area because your last sentences were so garbled. I tried calling you back after that but it went straight to voicemail."
Gabriella closed her eyes, trying to remember exactly where in the Los Angeles area they were and remembered that they were driving through the hills, which would have in fact caused a lot of cell phone interference before the signal was lost completely. "We were in the hills, I didn't even think that I could have lost the signal. I broke down crying right after I spoke with you and when I remembered our conversation and looked at the cell phone, I realized you weren't connected anymore. I thought that you hung up because I had too much baggage, the same reason why I thought you weren't talking to me or calling me back or really looking at me when I went back to school."
After placing his cell phone on the bed, Troy gently ran his right palm over Gabriella's soft cheek, feeling like an even bigger jerk at the moment than he had earlier in the day. "Baggage and all, I'll always love you Brie. It tore me apart seeing you the way you looked when you first showed up, seeing you deteriorate day after day, not knowing what was eating you but knowing that something was. In some ways, I held myself back to give you space but also not wanting to push myself on you if you weren't ready to be friends."
"So you didn't hear me…you didn't hear me tell you that Tristan…" started Gabriella, trying so hard not to cry, trying to ignore the choking sobs poised ready to be released but failed as she felt the hot tears drop quickly from her eyes, traveling down her cheeks, only to have Troy be there to wipe them away this time. As much as Troy being there made Gabriella feel better, just the thought of Tristan and what she heard that night, what he did, tortured Gabriella despite the medications she was on.
"Shh, you don't need to say anything more, not right now. I may not have been there for you when I should have been but I'm here now, if you'll have me," promised Troy, his heartbroken self slowly having hope again despite the new tear Gabriella shed that he wiped away again. He removed his left hand from her right so that he could place both hands on her face, staring into her eyes, echoing her search of his just moments before. "Will you have me, my stupidity and all?"
"If you'll have me, my baggage and all. God Troy, I just need you so much right now," said Gabriella, the last part being murmured against Troy's neck as he quickly had Gabriella swept up into his arms, hugging her tightly as she returned the embrace.
"I'm here baby, I'm here," he soothed, relieved that the worst was over, that they both knew the truth of what had happened. Troy knew though as he held Gabriella's shaking upper body to his that this wouldn't be easy but so long as Gabriella was his and he was hers, that was all that mattered to him.
In the evening, Gabriella was released from the hospital after the medical team who had been sharing rounds in watching over her both while she'd been drugged and not were satisfied that she wouldn't be a danger to herself if let go, most of them believing that Gabriella hadn't intended to end her life. She still ended up with mandatory psychiatric appointments with Dr. Johnson three times a week, something Gabriella also accepted but was nervous about.
Sitting in the car in the backseat while her mother drove, with Troy's left arm wrapped snuggly around her shoulders, his lips occasionally dropping soft kisses in her hair, Gabriella may have been plagued with her guilt and grief still but her heart felt lighter than before and she knew a lot of that had to do with the guy sitting to her right. After talking to Troy some more while they were still at the hospital earlier that afternoon, explaining exactly what happened with Tristan, what Gabriella had heard, what went on in L.A., and how Gabriella felt about everything, Gabriella realized how right Dr. Johnson was. Seeing the acceptance and the support and even just the love shining from Troy's eyes made things a little bit more bearable. His gaze, his words, weren't enough to take it all away but that wasn't what Gabriella was looking for. Just Troy's support that afternoon meant so much to Gabriella, knowing that things were okay between them once again.
Gabriella glanced up at the rearview mirror and caught her mother's gaze since Gabriella was sitting in the middle of the backseat so she could be snuggled into Troy's side. She had to stifle a giggle, the first she had felt in such a long time, as Mary winked at Gabriella, telling Gabriella that her mother knew that Troy and Gabriella were back together.
When the car pulled up to their house and finally parked, Gabriella was helped out of the car by Troy but smiled at seeing both Taylor and Sandra waiting for her there on the front porch.
"Gabriella!" they both screamed, rushing to their friend and enveloping her in one large hug between them both, effectively shoving Troy away from his girlfriend.
Mary just smiled as she saw the three girls, seeing that Gabriella looked at least pleased to see them, which was as much as a mother could hope to see in her daughter after everything that had happened. Part of Mary wanted to believe that Gabriella was looking and acting better than she had been for the past couple of weeks because of Troy being back in the picture, because Gabriella was getting better on her own, but Mary knew that it unfortunately was also due to the drugs Gabriella had been prescribed. When Gabriella was in another therapy session with Dr. Johnson a few hours ago, both Troy and Mary had talked and they agreed then that they would both make sure that Gabriella stayed on these prescriptions until some more time had passed before letting her try to deal with everything on her own. Gabriella was diagnosed with depression, which contributed to her cutting, so neither Troy nor Mary wanted to take any chances.
Echoes of what Mary had overhead Lydia say to Gabriella played in the older woman's head, not wanting to see her own child go down the same destructive path as Tristan had. Mary knew though that she was lucky Gabriella was still here in this dimension, now listening mostly to Sandra and Taylor's chatter including the fact that Sandra would be staying at the Montez home through the end of the week before leaving on Sunday. Mary had spoken to Sandra's mother Sunday night and had accepted the other mother's offer to send Sandra out there to spend time with Gabriella, knowing how close the two were, hoping that Sandra's presence could help in some way.
While Troy escaped to the bathroom, reluctantly letting go of Gabriella's hand in his good left hand as they sat on the couch in the living room, Taylor and Sandra both used the chance to find out from Gabriella herself as to what happened. Taylor knew a general premise as she had been to the hospital a few times in the past few days but had been there when Gabriella was more reserved, keeping to herself, speaking limitedly about what happened if at all.
"I, well… Sandra you remember the night I locked myself up in the bathroom? I discovered that cutting myself helped relieve the pain that couldn't escape any other way, especially as my tears were dry," explained Gabriella, keeping her eyes lowered and not looking at either of her best friends in that moment. "It started as an accident, picking up the disposable shaving razor I got from the front desk when I forgot my own that I think I must have dropped that morning. When I was putting it in the trash, one of the razor blades bit into my skin on accident. I realized in that moment while I watched the red liquid bubble up through the small cut in my skin that my heartache seemed to disappear as the true physical pain came. My pain seeped away from my body along with the blood. After that, I found other ways to help like just digging my nails into my skin but cutting was by far the best thing I could do without anyone knowing. When we got back home last week, I realized how great of a tool my swivel knife was to facilitate the cutting that progressively got deeper than the time before, but I always made sure to stop the bleeding with toilet paper so I could just flush it. Friday night was no different, listening to music while I ventured to look at a picture of Tristan and myself, cutting to relieve the pain I felt then and whenever I think of him, of what Tristan meant to me, of our memories together. Cutting is what gave me the courage to confront the pain head on instead of just feeling the after effects. When I wasn't able to cut, I found pressing on recent cuts substituted long enough to do the same trick but were nowhere as effective."
"And that's why you've been wearing long sleeves and dark colors," summarized Taylor, looking at Gabriella's jacket covered arms.
Gabriella nodded, not able to deny it. "But Friday ended up being different in the end when Troy showed up. I accidentally cut deeper when he appeared as I was startled and had twisted my body so suddenly the blade dragged deeper into my arm and for a longer length than I had done before. All I really remember is him rushing to save me, trying to stop the blood from oozing so freely."
Troy's voice joined the conversation from where he stood on the threshold of the room, looking pale and a bit in pain. "So it was my fault then, why you ended up in the hospital. I'm the reason why you bled so much because I distracted your calculated cut. It's all my fault!"
"Troy, no," returned Gabriella without hesitation, shaking her head knowing she couldn't allow him to take on the guilt which was not his to bear. "From what I realized in talking to Dr. Johnson these past several days, I know for a fact that you really saved me Troy, saved me from myself. Maybe I'm not all right now but I do understand what I have done and how I can't do it again but you finding me, discovering my secret, that was crucial in getting me here. I understand that and I hope you do too. Please don't blame yourself Wildcat or any of you at all for that matter. This is all my doing and I have to fix this myself."
"But we'll all be here to help Gabriella," interjected Sandra right away. "Friends are meant to be there for each other through everything."
"So are boyfriends," added Troy, moving to take his seat next to Gabriella on the couch again, seeing the slight surprise in both Taylor's and Sandra's eyes, pausing to give them a moment to protest Troy and Gabriella's relationship that was renewed, relieved when neither said anything. "I know you are strong Gabriella, strong and brave, but please, don't shut me, us, out. We all want what's best for you."
Gabriella surveyed the faces around her, seeing all the encouragement and care there and felt the familiar prickling of tears but for a good reason this time. "Can you all really care for me after all I have done? Killing Tristan and cutting myself and everything?"
Sandra spoke before the others could this time. "Tristan's suicide is exactly that, a suicide. The police didn't call it murder because no one else was involved. No one pulled that trigger besides Tristan."
"But I was the last one to talk to him! I could have stopped him, somehow, someway! I should have seen the signs!" argued Gabriella, feeling the heavy weight of guilt on her heart slowly return.
"Then we're all guilty with you Gab – me, Ian, Lydia, the whole population of our high school," reasoned Sandra, shaking her head in disagreement. "We all saw the changes but none of us saw it for what it was. I saw the tiredness, the change in character, but I just thought he was down and stressed with school. If you're guilty, so am I and I will bear that burden with you."
Gabriella stared at Sandra, seeing some truth to her words. "It isn't your fault at all Sandy."
"And it isn't yours either," stated Taylor while Sandra nodded her head in agreement. "You may not recognize that now but you will in time and after more sessions with the psychologist."
"So I'm now a head case. Great, just perfect," remarked Gabriella, making a face at that statement and causing Troy to chuckle at her. "What?"
Troy just smiled in return, amusement returning to his eyes after such a long absence. "You, even in this sad state you are in, you just manage to be so adorable. So what if you are a head case? We all are to some degree. Taylor has called Chad a head case for always focusing on food and basketball and occasionally her. The guys have called me that same name for dating Sharpay."
"Which you are a true head case for that lapse of judgment for!" teased Taylor, smiles on both her face and Sandra's.
"Exactly, I was, so it's no big deal Brie if you are right now. You'll come through this and we'll all be by your side to see you through everything too. Besides, you're my adorable head case," said Troy, wrapping an arm around Gabriella's shoulders, kissing her lightly on her forehead. This earned awws from the other two girls followed by laughter from everyone as Gabriella rolled her eyes and blushed.
The rest of the evening was spent with all four teenagers watching a few movies and talking, Troy being a sport and watching all the girly movies they chose until he had to leave to go home.
Gabriella took her medication in the kitchen with a tall glass of water before she followed Troy to the front door, pausing so he could say good night to Sandra, who had just changed into her pajamas, and Taylor, who had a curfew set a little bit later. "Thank you Troy," Gabriella said, leaning up and kissing him on the lips, the first lip lock they had shared in several weeks.
"For what?" he asked, not seeing anything special for her to be grateful for.
"For being there for me especially now and for your faith in me, for helping me feel normal for the first time in a long time tonight," she answered, the sincerity of her words echoed in her eyes.
Troy just grinned before meeting her lips again in a tender kiss. "I love you Gabriella, nothing will change that or my faith in you and us ever again."
"That goes for me too, about my faith in you and us never faltering again. I love you Troy," replied Gabriella, closing her eyes as they shared one last kiss before Troy dragged himself away from her to drive home, his, hers, and their future looking much better now than it had just hours before.