Fallen Tears Inwardly Shed
A Look Into the Psyche of a Bad Poet
Well the even MORE wonderous thing has happened. I filled up my THIRD page of poetry to where I couldn't fit a byte more on! Well, technically I could, but I didn't wanna break up this batch... And AGAIN, I'm continuing with THIS!
Here's one I wrote last night after walking naked in a rainstorm... well, semi-naked =P
They Call Me Crazy They call me crazy Because I'd walk naked in a rainstorm And because I'd dance at my funeral They call me mad Because I can somehow love no one And everyone, all at once. They call me weird Because I sing along to songs no one else hears And dream dreams that no one else cares about. They call me stupid Because I'm in love with love and fantasy And because I hope for impossibilities. They call me crazy Because I've walked naked in a rainstorm And would love to dance with them at my funeral
Here're a couple I started writing on 6/2... I didn't like em much, but... well... Maybe they're okay. I don't think the 2nd one is finished yet...
under the bridge Flowing faster, lost my purse... Losing my mind... Listening to the river murmur... Chasing demons... An ogre of a thousand deaths Waits below me A victim of a thousand lies Cries above me Running under the bridge by night, Playful monsters, Cleverly luring one's imagination And soul as well "Don't be satisified with your life" They always say... "It's so much better under the bridge" So another girl jumps... Ogres laugh at the misled lives And claim victims... midnight dance Prom is once a lifetime So says her family and friends And now she hopes this moment Will never truly end... The moon shines on her back And reflects off the flower And as he holds her in his arms She can feel his love's power
Okay... these lil depressive things I wrote at the rally cuz I was having difficulty dealing with a certain person who was so so so cool but AGH... Written 6/5...
Five Hours Renew her optimism Dissipate her clouds of bitterness For a whole five hours And then ignore her. Sweet little Cary can't be hurt... At least not anymore--- Read the message of "NO PAIN" Etched into her skin with gravel... Help her forget her past Hold her and never let go At least for five hours Then become typical again Blow her off entirely With "Is that all you wanted to say?" And go back to being typical. What once brought her pain Now only brings rage with herself And disgust with her life--- And desperate cries, but only within. My Little Jane Doe Faint to the wall, my little Jane Doe
Let everybody stop and gape
And think "Poor little girl," but what do they know
They can't conceive of a quasi-rape. Gasp for air, my little Jane Doe
Keep breathing, we can wait
Cry for a reality where it's safe to go
And air that's not thick with hate Slice your skin, my little Jane Doe
Punish yourself for what you didn't do
Like all those times you didn't say no
Or trust yourself about what's true Punish yourself when you're feeling low,
Don't stop to think about why,
Lest you of all people, my little Jane Doe,
Realize you don't want to die Staying Strong, Staying Numb I put myself on a pedestal
And said "I can do better than you,"
But then confidence shrinks and will decays
And I know that it's not true I feel into the trap again today
In that game that I'll never win
But I know I'll never stop hoping, trying,
And displaying my heart over and over again I wonder sometimes if it could be
That I'm wearing a sign saying "Romantic Fool"
Which only those interested see revealed
So they break my heart without breaking a rule I'm beginning to think I don't even care
It was just another useless hope
So I'm used to it when it goes awry
And coils around my neck like a rope
Then my will tightens up, the rope is broken
But bitterness is all I can see
"Stay strong," I say, "Feel no pain"...
But there's not another option for me
And these I also wrote at the rally... 6/5 again...
Earthquake Phantom Little Johnny, Little Mary, Playing in the baby's room, Feel a shake, turn around, Then they hear a great big boom. Disaster multiplied by ten, The house trembled underneath their feet. The babysitter ran to check The safety of the children sweet... The cupboards trembled, terrified. The glasses shattered on their shelves. The parents, thirty miles away, Thought next to nothing of themselves. And whent he quake was over And the aftershocks were done, They drove shakily to their house To see what nature'd won. Their house had collapsed in the aftershocks The fire hydrant was spouting and broken They searched through rubble and memories But of the children, the scene gave no token. At last they found the babysitter Shielding the children with herself But no one was alive, they were all crushed, Though they were igven the maximum help Everynight the mother wajes In this new house insurance bought, Swearing from nightmares of her sleep And the inner battkes they fought. Phantoms of the nightmare earthquake Keep them crying everynight If only they'd been home when it hit Maybe their children would've been all right Concrete Princess Set in stone, cold at heart, Voice as drab as angel dark Building uo a monument, letting no one in. Hide your inhibitions, lest you want to sin. Separate yourself in that mansion in the sky Severe all ties that had made us you and I As the tears stop flowing, let them harden on your face So you'll never have to know about their bitter salty taste Harden up your heart, cease to make a sound, Lest you remember that love that you once found Concrete princess with hardened angel wings And frozen pale blue eyes that once made wise men sing... Concrete princess with no memories of sin Close your broken heart, lest another one slip in
This one I wrote on the ame day, same place, but it's a little more optimistic...
To UUs Brotherhood, fellowship, a sugar plum fairy, All ignored by the average Tom, Dick, and Harry... They bring the rat race to a sudden halt And a knowledge that no one's really at fault. Welcome and comfort, not scorn and jeers, Will follow us all throughout our years. Even self-outcasts find solace with those Who see things in them that no one else knows Acceptance and hope, not rejection and dread, Comfort the voices in everyone's head. As society worsens, mentalities sicken And the skins of reality continue to thicken. But in my own world, I am protected, And I find all my worries being deflected In favor of comfort and faith in community, Illustrating this permanent, unfaltering unity. I found my God in all of you... In a world of lies, I found what's true. Faith is nothing if not in the human race So you can look with love into every face. For we'll never defeat the world's ugliness and lies Until we see everyone's reflection in our own eyesOh gee, wonder what this was for... Wrote it 6/3...
Confusion I found myself on the bathroom floor, My mind bared, bleeding, broken... Watched my body walk out the door, Heard my voice say the word last spoken.. This confusion tears me up inside And I'm beginning to realize why... When I saw the two of you I wanted to hide, When I saw you kiss I wanted to die... When you two kissed me I felt such shame And I didn't know where to go I knew I didn't want to play this game But I couldn't afford to say "No" Because if I said no then you'd just leave, And I'd be alone and empty again. What you mean to me you couldn't conceive... But I know now that I'll never win. So I'll take advice from all around me About what to do about how I feel But confusions continue to drown and surround me Won't you help me uncover what's real? I never wanted what has happened here I've tried to avoid being put in this place To protect myself from this confusion I fear, And keep from closing my eyes and still seeing your face. I wouldn't know how to explain my desires Or my wants or my needs for my life, But I do know I'm sick of how we conspired Since it severed me from you like a knife... I'll be honest, you're so great and I care about you so And I wish I hadn't fucked this up so much I love talking just as friends, just so you'll know, And I do prefer non-sexual touch I'd rather not explain just how much it hurts To hear "Don't touch me" from you Because lack of contact for me is so much worse Than just not knowing what to doI just found this in the poet's brainstorm board... I wrote it on October 1st of 1998...
Auburn Ties... What goes well with this suit? To accent the light And accent the dark All at once? Get me an auburn tie With a bow in the back Cut me some slack Oh yeah, I need summa those too. Auburn ties The noose around his neck The reason in her eyes The dye in her hair What's the black hair for? To cover up her ties to that other color? To cover up her mousey shame? To cover up her lack of boldness? To eliminate And exterminate Her auburn ties?These were written on 5/24... more poetic brainstorming shit... whaddya know...
Under the Pale Under the pale makeup Behind the pale eyes Beneath the pale mouth Between the pale tears Lies a wounded soul Of lies and children's screams Looking for a way out Looking for a niche... Dying all the same... Dying always different... Slicing through society Shocking the PTA.. Put up your defense, Sinderella... Scare them all away... Under the pale face Is a whimpering child Searching for the world. But upfront.... Watch your step. Shout and Feel it Mobs trample down the street The pavement cries in pain The sounds of the pounding feet Drown out the pouring rain Moving with the masses Forgetting why they're there Shout and fall down on their asses Wait to see who cares... The mass hypnosis caught them all And now they won't conceal it They're encouraged to let each other fall And shout until they feel it... Feel the spirit move within you Feel it lift you from your ways Feel it finally begin to Shorten all your lengthy days Shout until you start to feel it Powerful inside you, strong It takes your trouble and will heal it And now you know you'll do no wrong Birds Down Nightmare thrashing in my mind Shut all eyes tight, it's almost time Where's the leader that I seek, To defeat the strong and save the meek? Rescue me, from oppression and hate, Or will you, too, arrive too late? Birds have died here once before And now the sheep drown at the shore The wolves prey on the helpless ones My veins are slashed and they've just begun. Kill my faith and you kill my sorrow And leave me a knowledge of tomorrow Birds are down and the sheep are up Swing that bat, we can't get enough... Where are those with my true faith In the goodness of the human race? How can I worship a god like yours That defeats the sparrows by the shores Apocalyptic humanism shines through my very life Apolocalyptic humanism saves birds from nature's knifeThese were written on 5/8... The first was written after I saw Lonna for the first time in 4 years... Which affected me more than I can say... And the second is another poet's brainstorm deal...
Lonna A face from my past I was worried for you And then you're there... My worries weren't true... Nights of thought And all the hopeless dreams Begging for life To not be how it seems... I worried for your safety I wanted you to be okay Your sweet smile in that picture... And I saw the real thing today. I wonder if you realized My eyes were almost teared... To see you there before me, And you're not where I had feared. You're nineteen now, and married I hope you're happy in your life And that he treats you well enough And that he deserves you as his wife But where did you go, dear friend? You were a 9th grade beauty Now you're pudgy short and bland But free from no single duty You're working at a Kroger store By the highway to escape I wish I'd known 4 years ago To stop your innocence's rape Take a break from bagging cans To inhale your nicotine Pretend you're young and free now... Take a smoke and stop to preen. (from all poet's brainstorm) diamond rust She sparkled when we were younger She had a heart for any fate But her dreams were burned to cinders And her soul was put to wait... I respected her kindly beauty And sat in awe of her mature tales And heard "She's such a cutie" And watched it fan her sails... But tragedy occurred And it set my life adrift It refused to be conquered And my soul just wouldn't lift My soul was following her Like a dog seeking its master But she didn't push aside this cur She just walked ahead and faster Her sparkling diamond heart and soul Has faded now forever Rust is there now to fill the hole Left by unloving "Nevers"...Written on 4/25... About this name that I came up with for CT... Crying Medusa... very deep thoughts...
Crying Medusa Snakes hiss from her head Her face breaks all mirrors She turns her enemies to stone--- Her ugliness brings fear... She's so hideous to everyone They won't look her in the face But do you think it gets to her? Maybe she'd prefer satin and lace.. Satin and lace in place of statues Of frozen men to decorate her yard But does it matter, she's so hideous... She refuses to drop her guard. She cries because she's hideous She cries because no one sees That she has a beauty deep inside They just see her face and freeze... Defeating foes with ugliness Gets to her after a while... What if she were beautiful, Might she have reason to smile? Crying Medusa runs from the stage To hide in a cave by the neutral sea A hideous face, rejection from all sides, Fear and loathing are all there'll ever be. Medusa with the heart of gold Rejected by an uncaring world A hideous face is all they know, They ignore that she's just a girl.Written on 5/22...
Stairwell Bang Seduction on the sly And the ceiling listens Heartbreak on the downlow And the stairs take notice Suicide on the carpet And the house breaks apart. Walls listen to rebuilding Walls listen to the construction workers What a sad story, they say Young girl runs from home Finds this old abandoned castle This shack loves her... Young girl falls in love And the creature tears her eyes The creature tears her heart The creature tears her tears And the house cried... Held the gun on the stairwell Blew her brains out... And the house died with her... Turn the story to a parking lot, men! Swing and the Overlord I pulled him from the floor and into the air Dance around, Sir, like you just don't care Rule me with an iron fist and balls of steel And I'll show you, Sir, what I've got that's real. I'm not a diplomat and I know I'm not a queen But I've got moves that will make Your Highness scream Move like a peasant when you stab him with hot coals Swing me around baby, I know you're not too old. Turn your back to me, Sir, here comes the best part I lift the knife from my dress and stab you in the heart. Dictating dominating evil little prick... You should have known from the invite---you make me sick I flee from your guards, you dead old jerk. My life's done as assassin... Now back to work Tug-a-War Mommy and Daddy tore me today Throwing insults back and forth Then later, separately, said they love me, But more than the other, for what it's worth. Who's a kid to believe when it's all lies And bitterness---adults are so stupid. I wish I could walk out, but I'm only eight. They fight more, and I just wish I was cupid. Little boys are lost, I learned that today, And we can't help what our parents do. They don't mean to make us decide, they swear, It's just that they want us to know who's for TRUE. I may be a tiny eight years old, But I know that I can tell you this The tug of war mommy and daddy play with me Is made more confusing by a goodnight kiss.I wrote a bunch of CUTE little haikus at various times... I'ma put them up here now...
Stinky cheese parents Want control of computer But I shall return! I pounce into room Suspiciously look around And sit my ass down I shall attack now Just you wait and see, ha ha! I triumph always I'll tell you this now Resistance is still futile COMPUTER IS MINE! I started to type Then all of a sudden, SHIT! Computer fucks up. I had that done too! "ILLEGAL OPERATION!" Goddamn you Bill Gates! I begin again, I open my web browser And cruise for more porn. Now, that pic's not real! Breasts can't be so large, can they? HE'S HUNG LIKE A HORSE! Oh shit, here's my folks. They see the pornography. And show me their site. And now I'll never Have an erection again. Ew, yuck, felatio Mom claims computer I'll have sex with you later But now I must leave Another haiku To keep me awake at night Oh, I loathe coffee... READ MY DAMN HAIKU OR I'LL CHASE YOU IN MY CAR AND KICK YOUR LIL BUTT! You smell like a rose I am a bee, see my crotch. It says "Buzz, buzz, buzz" Oh what a long night... Batteries are dead again--- My hand is asleep... (that's probably my favorite one;) We have to talk now Sorry this did not work out I like my sister (inspired by Mike) Oh joy, a worksheet I'm totally excited Now I'll pee my pants Farewell my Jason By the way, your dick is small I prefer women (written for Becca's ex-bf) Andrew is so cute I wonder if he'd date me Though he's in Houston Hello dear Andrew, I think you're totally fine. Will you sleep with me? Sorry dear Whitney, I can't be a lesbian. I like men better Sorry young David. I cannot go out with you. I need a real man I hear thug musak. I fear they'll never shut up Oh dear, please hide me! I think he looks cute In those sagging pants of his But they hide his ass. White girls cannot dance But rhythm sucks anyway. At least they can strip! I want to move south. I think I'll live in Houston and have many whores. Haikus rock much, but They should be about nature. But the seasons suck! I'll write anyway. Trees and flowers are pretty 'Till peed on by dogs. The tree is lovely. Watch it fall onto his head "TIMBER!--- Oops, sorry" I like when it rains Except when it is yellow. That is very gross.Written 5/7...
Space Haze Finding himself in the dark in the air There's nowhere to go but down He looks in the stars with their sparkling stare And the moon's face turns into a frown He's stranded in space and his vision's getting blurred His team is nowhere near Deep in his stomach, his doubt is stirred Doubt, and a whole lot of fear Lost in space in the dark in the blank Nowhere to go, no way to scream At home, his head's in a fishing tank And he's murdered by a dream. Brimstone and Necropolis Little girls running Down the streets of Vegas Little boys becoming Pimps, drug dealers, and dead. Society goes to hell A little everyday Everyone says "Oh well, If it's gotta end that way..." Necropolis grows With the blood of children And still no one knows Brimstone is obsolete... Formaldehyde isn't flammable. Purple Beads Royally showing off Colorful drapery... Purple beads drape her arm And her eyes are silver That night, royalty comes out From beneath her rock To mingle with the commoners And fall in love with a busboy. Simplicity appeals to Princess. She's never seen it really.. So she talks to busboy Her purple beads gleaming In her silver eyes... She picks him up... He picks her up... Simplicity destroys her. The next morning... She hunches over her front step Tears in her gray eyes... Purple beads are scattered everywhere. And her body is bleeding... Simplicity blinds sometimes Lucid Tendencies So much misleading... So much deceiving... So many lies... So many dyes... Especially for her Her and her lucid tendencies She wants to be honest She wants to be clear She wants to forget She's in hiding this year. Honestly won't prevail In the longrun for her Unless she wants to get found Unless she wants to get caught So she'll never expound And hiding won't be for naught. Chasing everyday Losing everyway They find no delight In running every night Running every night Away from their lives No memories of home And no hope for future... Paradise: Aisle 3 Aisle One: Lose yourself Go further from your losses Go further from your failures Forget your shortcomings Forget your memory... They never happened. Aisle Two: Lose your peers Go further from their standards Go further from their thoughts Forget their expectations Forget their mockery... They never mattered. Aisle Three: Paradise Go further from this planet Go further from this hellhole Forget your old life Forget that you lived. Earth doesn't care. Live in Aisle three... Lose yourself Lose your peers Lose reality... Paradise... It's not knowing What isn't With Gandhi's Strength He's slapped and regains his balance He's kicked and regains his breath He's sliced and regains his blood loss He's killed and retains life through death With Gandhi's strength he stood With Gandhi's strength he'll lie With Gandhi's strength he'll crawl With Gandhi's strength he'll die Make a statement from an orange peel And a philosophy from the moon And a method through the life you live That'll be taken from us too soon. Peaceful creatures on this earth Pacify it, big or small, As a martyr they'll live through it And touch each one of us all... Label Whores All my label whores--- Strike at me and dance Call me weird, a freakish freak, Don't give me a chance. Whine to your mother That she has to buy you shoes Get a job you jackass You've nothing else to lose. Little jagged toothed boy Caring so much for style Do you know what I wish That I could take your shoes and walk a mile. Not because I want to know What it's like to be you But because I get to take your shoes and piss you off So "I need new shoes" will be true =PWritten 5/1...
Breakdown for the Boys Mary learned a new trick, covered in soil. She can fix a flat, she can change the oil, She can jack it up, and fix the hose. But this is something no one knows Because she goes back to defenseless And acts out of her senses When a gentleman drives down the road When she's fixing her car, it's quite a load, And the gentleman stops to help this girl The damsel in distress in everyone's world. She went through a few breakdowns for the boys-- Didn't fix it herself, pretended she only knew toys Let them come galantly to her rescue Cuz what's an independent girl to do? "Let em rescue you" she said "Once or twice" "And who knows, it might even be nice"... So Mary forgot her newlearned trick Of independence---Oh what a kick.. To be the damsel in distress And pretend to care about her dress In the middle of a thunderstorm... Don't fix the car, just be the norm. Birds on Moore Moore ran through the streets Through the alley through the screen And was attacked unexpectedly By a natural aviator's scream He's watched too many movies He realizes this, now But the birds are on Moore And all he can say is "Ow" He runs from his nightmare But then he's running to it He runs to the screen And falls right through it Dreaming through the night And sleeping through the day No matter where he goes, His nightmare's in the way
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