My road to gain was a slightly different one.
At 10, I was of a proportional height and weight. Not
large in the least, but my mother was about fifty pounds
overweight. It would frustrate and anger me as a child
to hear her being put down by others. The cruel words
of strangers who had no idea that the woman the were
mocking was a taltented poet, mother of three, public
speaker, member of MENSA, and one of the most giving
people on the planet. She was truly an inspiration,
and it was a painful blow to hear someone say such
tings about someone based solely on physical appearance.
It was also the same time that my parents started
their divorce porcedings. regardless which parent I
was with, I would have to take on the extra family
work solely because someone needed to and I was the
oldest. I discovered food as a way to ease the pain
at first, and then I started noticing as my size increased,
I was becoming a bit of a celebrity. Other kids would
notice me without my trying as hard. Then the divorce
trial ended.
The father who was so caring during the trial
had blackmailed us. He said that if we didn't side
with him, we would never see him again. A bitter pill
for any child to swallow, so we sided with my father,
and he won custody. That was when the physical and
mental abuse began, and I ran back to the comfort of
food, because of my past experience. I would go into
details, but that is a bit of my life I would rather
let end.
When I started my senior year of high school,
I was 350 lbs. More an outcast than a celebrity, but
it gave me a freedom I feel words cannot express with
justifiable accuracy. I could do what I wanted without
having to maintain a particular "image".
I could be whomever, whenever I wanted without fear
of being chastised. Heck, I was already out of the
elite groups, which gave me a license to be myself,
without having to hide beneath phony subtexts or pretenses.
If I gave my word, I could keep it without having to
justify it to anyone. I was alone, but free...
Over the last ten years, I have dieted my way
to a filled 500+ pounds. I stopped dieting, and now
my weight has stabilized. It's odd how that worked.
A little over two years ago, an article in Omni
magazine stated that weight gain can be effected by
genetics. When my mother read this, she called me at
my job. The tears in her voice were hard to hear, and
her message to me was "If I had known I was going
to cause you such problems growing up, that you would
have had to suffer because of me, I would never have
put you through it. You deserve better." My response,
"Mom, I love you. I have always loved you and
don't hold anything against you. I've learned to survive,
and I'm more prepared to take on anything beacuse I've
made it this far. You didn't do anything wrong."
It was what she needed to hear... and it was the truth.
I've survived ridicule, abuse, abject poverty
and loneliness, homelessness, and a world which has
tried its best to hold me down. I'm still here. I've
taken the initiative and have started not just to stand
on my own two feet, but to walk with them. I've trained
myself to get the jobs I have had. I have passed certifications,
and won awards for customer service. I've been a public
speaker, a deejay, a stand-up comic, and a published
author, if you count the web as a publishing medium,
and have succeeded in each quest. Weight has not kept
me down, instead, it has helped me to stand tall. To
tell the world that I refuse to live by it's negativity,
and that if I choose to be anything, even a big guy,
I can do it... and I will succeed.
The only thing I feel I am missing in life is
someone special to share it with... but then again,
I have all of you... which is a priceless gift in it's
own right. Thank you for being there...
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