A pasture with sheep grazing and a short, wide-branching tree on a bright summer afternoon

A large snake is lying underneath the tree, the middle of its body bulging with something it swallowed. It is watching the sheep and belches.
Enter Jesus talking into a cellphone.
JESUS: Yeah, honey, you were wonderful last night. I especially liked it when you.....yeah. Tomorrow? (checking his diary) I don't know... No, Magda, of course you're not just a prostitute to me. Or anyone else. I love you. (looking up in realization). I love everyone! Ciao, baby. He discovers the snake and jumps. Well, hey there. Bon appetit. What, may I ask, brings you here, my son?
ANACONDA: Wouldn't have a clue. And you are?
JESUS: Christ Almighty, at your service. You pray, I'm gay.
ANACONDA: (gesturing at the cellphone). Can I see that, please?
Jesus hands him his phone. You're welcome.
JESUS: (sits down next to him). Just tragic, all this sunshine. It 's sheer murder for the grass.
ANACONDA: (gestures at the sheep with its head).) It's them who's murdering the grass. He plays with the phone. It starts ringing and he drops it in a panic.
Jesus picks it up and answers it.
JESUS: JC. Oh hey Jude. (Pauses). I don't want to talk about that anymore. There's nothing left to say. We could still be friends, I told you that. It's just not working out for us anymore, please don't take it so personal. (silent. then angrily). No you suck! He hangs up. See ya.


ANACONDA: It's me who's murder.
Suddenly Anaconda spots a sheep leaving the pasture and hurries off toward it. When he reaches it, he swallows the trembling animal, then returns to the tree.
JESUS: Now why did you do that?
ANACONDA: I'm the sheep-snake. It was straying, so I punished it.
JESUS: Forgiveness, my son.
ANACONDA: (belches) Yeah right. Like your old man forgave me when I seduced that Eve-woman.
JESUS: (shrugs his shoulders in resignation). They're usually not this late.
Enter the Multitude, led by eleven disciples.
MULTITUDE: What's with the snake?
JESUS: Ah, my children. The sick, not the healthy are in need of medicine. And remember, each and every hair on your head has been counted! You wouldn't put new wine in old leather bags, would you now? You'd bottle it, plain and simple!
MULTITUDE: We don't understand.
JESUS: They who see, don't see and they who hear won't believe their ears nor understand. That's why I speak in parodies.
Anaconda bursts onto the field, scattering the sheep, and eats one of them. It shrieks.
JESUS: (looks away and clears his throat. Then, to himself, drawing a cross in the air with the fore and middle fingers of his right hand). God bless its soul. (to the Multitude). That which they say you ought to do, just stick to that and do it, but don't do what they do, because they say so but don't. They place a heavy burden on your shoulders but they're unwilling to go to even the slightest trouble to relieve it.
MULTITUDE: Amen!


JESUS: I bring but the sword... A scream from the pasture, one of the sheep approaches Jesus.
SHEEP: That was my friend!
JESUS: Who?
SHEEP: He just ate my friend! (to the snake). You bastard!
JESUS: It was God's will. You'll find a new one. Seek and you shall find, knock and you'll be let in, pray and you'll be swallowed, it's as simple as that.
SHEEP: But he didn't do anything, he was just telling me about this pasture he'd been grazing at...(starts crying).
JESUS: There there now, (patting the sheep on the back). don't cry. (to the snake). Hey you snake, that wasn't a very nice thing to do. Don't you think you should apologize to that poor sheep?
ANACONDA: No.
SHEEP: (aggressively). Why not?
ANACONDA: I was hungry.
He makes a threatening move toward the sheep.
JESUS: Hey, you two, don't fight! (to the sheep). Be gone! The sheep leaves in dismay. I can relate to these sheep. I'm a lamb myself, you know.
ANACONDA: (turns toward him). Oh?
JESUS: (awkwardly). I should be off.
MULTITUDE: We want a miracle!
JESUS: (raising his hands). At the final reckoning it will rise again equal to the angels.


SHEEP: (calling from a distance) How about now?
JESUS: Man.... (he tries to reach into the snake's mouth and pull out the sheep, but Anaconda pulls back).
ANACONDA: (snickering) Impotent...
JESUS: Don't you think you've had enough lunch?
ANACONDA: That was my breakfast.
MULTITUDE: (whining). But we want a miracle!
JESUS: (despairingly). Oh dad, why have you forsaken me?
MULTITUDE: (murmurs). He's no good...
DISCIPLES: Judge and thou shalt be judged... Let's hear what he's got to say.
JESUS: (trying to think of something). Would a father, whose son asks him for a bread, give him a fish...no that's not right...what was it again? His Kingdom come and, woe be to the false prophets who dress like sheep and...no, I think I've got it now....is life not more than food, or the body than birds who neither sow nor mow?
MULTITUDE: (nodding contently). A-men! (murmurs). Mi-ra-cle, mi-ra-cle...
There is a loud thunderclap and a great fire from the sky incinerates the sheep.
MULTITUDE & DISCIPLES: 'twas the Lord! 'twas the Lord! Hurray!
(They run onto the charred pasture and fall to their knees among the dead sheep).


JESUS: Now I shall retreat for prayer. (He walks off, forgetting his phone).
The people follow, chatting; the snake remains under the tree. The phone rings, he anwers it.
GOD: (over the phone). Hi there, son. Just helping you out, you don't have to thank me. But that kicked ass, didn't it?
ANACONDA: (faking Jesus's voice). It sure did.
GOD: That'll show them for giving you a hard time.
ANACONDA: (bored) Sure. I gotta go.
GOD: Don't forget dinner..
ANACONDA: See ya (hangs up). Sucker.


CURTAIN

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