Sent from: Vanessa (female, 12):
i have this boyfriend who i feel doesn't trust me for some reason i don't know why!?!? i love him so much and he loves me so much that we don't want to lose one another. he's so sweet and nice even though he is older. i've flirted with other guys once and felt bad for it but, he doesn't really know about it because he doesn't understand me sometimes. i told him that i would never cheat or flirt with another guy. i did flirt but, didn't cheat. do i tell him? how come i don't think he trusts me when he tells me he trusts me more then he trusts himself and other people?

Vanessa,

I think the answer to your question is pretty simple. Although I could be wrong; I think it's because you're still feeling guilty about flirting with those other guys. You've got a guilty conscience, and until you let your boyfriend know about you flirting with these other guys, you're going to keep thinking he doesn't trust you even though he says he does.

Keep in mind that if you tell your boyfriend about these flirting incidents of yours, he may break up with you. However, he may agree to try and work through this together with you. It's best to come clean as soon as possible.. because you're putting unwanted stress on the relationship. You'll feel much more at ease with yourself if you tell him what has happened. If your relationship is as strong as you're leading me to believe, I don't think you will have any problem overcoming this *smile*

Good luck,
Marnie

Sent from: Chris (male, 29):
My wife and I have been having problems for the past 2 years. We have been married over 6 years and have 2 wonderful children. I used to be in an extremely time consuming and stressful job in sales. At that time, I somewhat neglected my wife and children by not being there for them when they needed me. We both had an affair and it to each other.

Well since then the trust is gone. I mean gone. We moved to Japan, and she had stayed in the U.S. for 5 months. Well, during that time, my friends were emailing me telling me that my wife was "running around" with another man. So needless to say, that 5 months was terrible. Since she moved here 2 months ago, we have been arguing almost every day. I dig into her email try to find the "truth" about her "5 month fling". Well I found it, and confronted her!

We had a long talk and we are considering divorce! Which is something that I don't want, and I feel deep down inside she doesn't either, however, we just have such a hard time getting along. We have grown so apart from each other and we don't know how to get the flame sparked again. I know that my prying into her personal side(email) was wrong. It is that trust factor, but since I found out the truth I have no ambition to pry anymore! However, she has been emailing the "fling" and telling him that she can't wait to see him again.

What should I do? Divorce? I feel that we have tried everything and are getting nowhere! I love her do death, I feel that she cannot love me the way she used to because she has someone else on her mind. Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at a time?

Thanks,
Chris

Dear Chris,

Of course, you know that everything I write is only my opinion, and that I'm not a professional. You asked for my advice, and although I'm a little weary on trying to save a marriage, I'll give you my advice, because I think you want any suggestions you can get.

First of all, I think you should sit down with your wife and ask why she had the (second?) affair. Figure out what he was giving her that you couldn't, and obviously, still can't. Once you figure out what she wants out of your relationship, you can work on it.. together. Females aren't very good at asking for support, because they figure that if the males love them, then they should know when they need that support. Males, on the other hand, figure that the females will ask for support if they need it. So, there's a miscommunication there until you sit down and talk about it.

Yes, the trust is gone.. but maybe she's having this "fling" because she believes you're probably doing the same. Explain to her why you had that affair and why you aren't having an affair right now. Let her know you're willing to try ANYTHING to get the sparks flying and the flame ignited once again. Ask what her suggestions are (besides separating, because you KNOW that isn't going to work)... and tell her your suggestions.

My suggestion is.. I just finished reading MEN ARE FROM MARS, Women are from Venus... and it really helped me understand the male point of view in a relationship. However, if the other half of the relationship doesn't read it, it won't help at all. James hasn't read it, so we're still having problems in our relationship. But, I think it will really help.. especially where you're arguing is concerned. If your wife wants to work through these troubling times, she'll enjoy reading the book WITH you. Go to your library, or buy it.. and get 2 copies of it. Schedule as to how much you're going to read each day so that one person doesn't get ahead of the other (Like maybe one chapter a day)

Another suggestion I have is individual/marriage counseling. Not either/or.. but BOTH. Usually, I think, marriage counselors talk to each individual separately, but I'm not sure. Remember.. if she really wants to save the marriage, she will cooperate with you.

No, she probably CAN'T love you like she used to because of this other guy being on her mind all the time. But, as soon as you get to the core of the problem.. she'll realize that she's more than likely going to be happier with you in the long run. I mean, after all, you two have a family, and you've made the ultimate commitment to each other.

I once read that marriage.. it isn't about love after 5 or 10 years.. it's about COMMITMENT. I'm not saying that married couples don't love each other.. it's just not as visible as it was in the first few years of marriage. But, if you can get that flame back, if you can get it started again.. it will be better than before.

While you're talking to your wife, make sure you understand as to whether or not she really... REALLY.. wants a divorce. If she doesn't, that's great. But, if she does.. ask her to give you just a few more months to see if the two of you can get it going again. If she doesn't want to wait a few months.. then let her go. You have 2 children to worry about. It's better for the children who have a set of parents who are divorced but still get along instead of having a set of married parents who argue all of the time.. with one having an affair on the side.

As for your question about loving two people at once.. I don't think she loves this other guy.. she just loves things about him. She's infatuated with him.. it's more like lust.. not love. She obviously cares about you, or she wouldn't still be with you. She never would have moved there 2 months ago if she didn't care about you at all. Point that out to her.

Let me know how it goes.. I want to know what the two of you think about my advice.. GOOD LUCK!!!

Much love,
Marnie

Sent from: Mastermind (male, 19-21):
How do you deal with the long-distance aspect of your relationship? Every LDA I've had so far (3) has ended in disaster...and now I'm on the verge of starting another, but I'm holding back until I know what I should be doing. I can't think of anything that I'm doing that could be wrong, but do you have any general advice? We have a LOT in common--I mean, we met because a singing group I'm in hosted her group for a concert in the recent past, and we talked for an hour at the afterglow--it was basic magenetism or something, we just stared at each other through our respective performances and then hunted each other down at the following party. She's now on her way home, and I'm in possession of her e-mail...and I'm wondering what to do. Help?

I think the first thing you should probably so is look back on your past three relationships and try and figure out what went wrong. If you're not exactly sure, feel free to call those ex-girlfriends up to see what they have to say. That is, if you're not fearful of getting yelled at *grin*

Now.. I can give you advice if it's the distance that made your past relationships end. Obviously, one of the two of you couldn't handle the distance, and in an LDR, *both* of you need to be able to handle it. There are tons of things you can do to ease the pain from being apart for so long:

1. Don't just write email.. try to chat online, too.
2. Every once in awhile (or as often as you like), write a letter "snail mail" and spray it with your cologne/perfume. (Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but believe me, it helps.)
3. Send pictures of each other whenever you get some developed.
4. Whenever you feel it's getting a little more serious, the next time you see each other, leave 2 shirts for her. One for her to wear, and one for her to keep in a safe place so she can have something that smells like you. (Everyone in an LDR who has done this will agree with me)
5. Get a voice chat program on the net so you can hear each other without having to pay long distance. ( FreeTel is the best that I've found, but there are dozens out there)
6. Keep the phone calls to a minimum so you can afford to visit each other as often as you like. (I'm not sure how far apart you are)
7. COMMUNICATE in any way you can find.. Trust me - communication is the *key* to every relationship.
8. Be honest with each other. If one of you is having doubts about the relationship - *speak up*! As soon as you've informed the other one of a problem you can work on fixing it.
9. Make sure you're ready for an LDR before you jump into one.
10. And, most importantly, build up a friendship before you build it into a hot, steamy romance. That way, you can (hopefully) still be friends when/if you split up.

There are a ton of more things I could tell you, so if you have any more questions, just write me back. When I get around to it (which may be today or next month.. who knows), I'm going to put up a page that lists what you can do to keep your LDR alive and burning. They are difficult, you know that as well as I, but they *can* work.. cuz it'll be my 2 year anniversary with James in 2 months. This is his first relationship, and my first LDR. Is it luck that we have found? No.. it's patience, love, honesty, communication.. etc. But most of all.. it's *HARD WORK*.

I wish you well.. and remember, if this doesn't help you any, and you need to ask me more questions, then let me know. Oh yeah, by the way.. about her email.. Just email her and just try to strike up some friendly conversation.. and don't forget to tell her how much you enjoyed the time you spent with her *smile*

Much love,
Marnie

Sent from: Inge (female, 16-18):
Dear Marnie,
I have a 27-year old sister, who's already married. She has a small company and I work there too in the vacations and in the week-ends. The work is very hard and I would like to change, but I don't know how to ask. Can you help me?

I'm not sure as to whether or not you still want to work for your sister, but just want a different kind of job.. or if you want to quit working there altogether, and find a different job somewhere else. However, whatever the case may be.. my advice remains the same for both situations.

Just start out by saying that weekends and vacations are supposed to be a time for you to relax from all the work at school, and that the job you're doing is a little (or a lot) more than you want to handle during this "leisure" time of yours. Make sure you explain to her that you enjoy working for her, but that you would like a different job if one is available. If she's not willing to compromise with you, then tell her you want to quit (if that's the case), and give her a date which will be your last day working for her.

Working for relatives is very difficult at times because you don't want it to ruin the relationship. I know this because I work for my father. So, I can understand why you wouldn't know how to ask her. I hope I helped some. Let me know what happens! *smile*

Good luck,
Marnie

Sent from: Dave (male, 16-18):
Marnie, my girlfriend recently broke up with me, and at first I wasnt sure why she didnt want to see me anymore. Finally I realized what it was. Every time I was with her, I only wanted to have sex with her. I know how this must have felt for her now, and Im ashamed. I never thought I would be like that to a girl. How can I apologize to her, so I can be different next time?

I can't tell you what to say to her because this should come from your heart. It looks to me like you really *are* sorry for how you treated her, so let her know that. But, you also have to realize that she should have said something so that you could have fixed the problem before she broke up with you.

The only way you can prevent these things from happening is to have better communication with your next relationships. If problems like this go on and on without the other person knowing, it could lead to a lot of trouble in the relationship. It might not be as simple as breaking up.. there could be a lot of fighting for "no reason" when really it's because the girl is tense because she's afraid to tell you what the problem is. So, in your next relationships.. open the lines of communication.. talk about *everything* that's going on in the relationship. It's not easy at first, no, but once you get used to it - you won't regret it. Communication is one of the main things that keeps relationships going strong.

Much love,
Marnie

Sent from: Cory (female, 13-15):
(This is long, but it's important!) Well here, dear Marnie, is the steange situation. Many months ago, I met a guy and we had very brief going-out typically teenage type thing. It was one of those things where I met this guy and I just knew we would get along. Maybe not soul mates, but soul friends. He broke it off we he thought he was in love with someone(which he later told me also didn't work out). I'm really really shy, so I never talke with him as much, or deeply, or honestly, as I wanted to. He promised to stay in touch, and we got togather as friends once, but again I was very qiet. The trouble really started when I met him again at a camp. I was very unkind and callous towards him, even though he was trying to make friends. I literally couldn't talk to him-not more than a few words-i was still upset over what had happened and I was still attracted to him-basically I was very confused about everything. We left on semi-bad terms -I think he was pretty sick of my shyness.It's been over half a year since I've seen him and I STILL think about him and how I messed up. I think if I let myself reaally get to know this person we'd be really good friends--but I don't if I'll ever see him again, or if I would be able to talk to him even if i did. I really want for this [potential] friedship to work out. Do I call him? Do I let it go? What's your intuitive feeling about all this? Help!

Think of it this way.. if you *don't* call him, you'll be wondering for years to come if things would have worked out. Yes, I think you should call him. There's a potential friendship there, and if you don't step forward, how will you ever know?

Next you have to work on your shyness. You want to be able to talk to him in person when you see him again, don't you? Try to figure out why you're so shy, first of all. My reason for being shy was because of what I looked like. I'm *still* not happy with what I see in the mirror, so I'm as shy as I ever was before. I don't like being shy.. I want to scream and jump and dance and laugh in front of everyone, but my self-confidence isn't that much for me to do so. Is it the same problem for you? If not, find out what it is.. and work on it. You'll feel a heck of a lot better about yourself once you start working on your shyness.. trust me. *smile*

Good luck,
Marnie

Sent from: Daddy Cool (male, 12):
Dear Marnie...... I'm in troubel deep. I think I may have found the love of my life.....via the Inet. *Sighs...* Problem is she's six years older than me....thinking I'm twenty two, when really I'm twelve. I don't know how I pulled this skam off...but quite honestly...i've gotten to know her...and I'm truely in love. Now comes my real problem.......She's expecting cyber-sex any day now...and me being unsure of myself, unexperianced....I don't know what to say/do. Please help me...i don't want to loose her, but I know she'll go if I don't take the plunge soon.

First of all, I want to take the time to say that you *DIDN'T* "pull this skam off." If you had, you wouldn't be feeling bad about this, and you wouldn't be asking for my advice. But, putting that aside. . .

If you know you'll lose her if you don't have cybersex with her, then why the heck are you with her? C'mon.. think about it. She obviously doesn't care about you if she'd leave you over something silly like that. And, if you don't actually *KNOW* if she'd leave you, and you're just assuming, then you don't trust her. Otherwise, you wouldn't think that way about her.

You asked for my help, and I'm going to give you the best advice I can give. And my advice is: TELL HER! You've gotta tell her what you did and how you know it's wrong. If you truly do love her like you say you do, you'll stop lying to her. Sure, she's probably going to break off the relationship with you (because, actually, it's illegal since she's 18.. she's contributing to the delinquency of a minor..[this is what I've been told, at least]).. but maybe you can still stay friends.

It's not fair that you keep on lying to her. There are PLENTY of girls your age on the net. If you want to fall in love, look for someone your own age. And **DON'T LIE ANYMORE!!!*** It'll only get you into more trouble. Come clean with the girl you're with now, and know you're doing the right thing. Whether or not she leaves you, just remember you did the right thing by telling her the truth. *hugglez*

Best wishes,
Marnie

Sent from wheelz (male, 15):
Hello,
I can't walk, and have to use a wheelchair. I am getting depressed because I'm 15 and I've never had a date and don't think I will ever have one. I was recently invited to a party, but obviously i have no one to go with. If I don't go, my friends will be mad. What should I do.

Well, wheelz.. high school can be the best time of your life, or the worst time of your life - it just depends on what you make of it. I think you should go to the party - have fun with your friends! *smile* You don't want to waste your high school years moping around the house, do you? Your friends obviously asked you to go because they like you, right? Who CARES if you don't have a date? Most parties in high school aren't parties that are for couples anyways.. they're for groups of friends and individuals to have fun.

And, as far as you not thinking that you'll ever have the chance to go out on a date or to have a girlfriend.. I believe you're wrong. Once people grow up and become more mature, they look at the inside of a person, and not the outside. For some reason, people at your age usually think that if a person is in a wheelchair, they're not "normal". Well, you as well as I know that you're just like everyone else on the inside. But, until they take the time to get to know you, they won't understand.

Hon.. don't worry about not having a girlfriend when you go places. Go out and have fun, and then maybe you'll find a sweet girl who will like you. I know another guy I met on the 'Net who has been in a wheelchair since he was 16. He's 19 now, so if you want me to have him get in touch with you, email me your address, and I'll talk to him about it. He's a very nice guy, and I'm sure he'd love to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Marnie

Sent from LaDy GoTh (female/16-18):
I have 2 problems that I was hoping you could help me with.
1. ok I really like this guy, and he comes over to my house a lot, and we have sex every time he comes over. But I don't know what to do. Do I keep having sex with him, because I think it will make him like me or do I keep doing it? But whenever I see him around he waves and everything, and stops to talk, but the other day he was with one of his friends from school, and he didn't even say hi to me.

2. The guy that I am sleeping with has lots of friends that I am friends with, and I have had some osrt of sexual contact with all of them. Could this be why that guy doesn't like me? But the thing is he tells me to do this.... Oh Well please help me out...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There's no reason at all for you to keep having sex with this guy. For one thing, I can almost bet that's the only thing he's coming over to your house for. Secondly, he didn't even acknowledge your existance when he was with his friend. Obviously, he doesn't value what's inside of yourself, and he probably doesn't value the sex either. Afterall, it's just meaningless sex to him anyways. You've got to face reality, hon... this guy isn't in it for love.

Since you really like this guy, just be friends with him. If he doesn't want to just hang out with you and act like you're a part of his "clique", then forget the jerk. He's not worth your time. Maybe after he's gotten the chance to know YOU, he might actually value your friendship. It'll take time, and guys have a way of saying things to make you believe that they like you just to get you in bed. So, watch out for them signs. He's not going to change overnight. Just be careful.

And for him telling you to have some sort of sexual contact with all of his friends - Don't listen to what he says!!! You NEVER let *ANYONE* tell you what to do with your body! (I'm not yelling.. just trying to get things into your brain *smiles*) All of these guys probably share their information about their sexual encounters with you.. most guys do that (I said most.. not all). It's a fact of life - they don't think of sex the same way that females do. There's only a few out in this world that do.

I may be wrong, but chances are that they view you as being "easy" and being a "slut". That's probably why the guy doesn't like you how you want him to like you. You said "But the thing is he tells me to do this..." That's probably because he wants to see if you're going to obey his every command. That's a sign of possessiveness. Get rid of this guy before you fall too deep in his grasp that you can't pry yourself from him. I've seen it happen all too many times.

Of course, I could be totally wrong about this whole thing. I'm sure you know that. You can listen to my advice, or you can toss it into your "trash" email can. The decision's all up to you. You know what the right thing is.

Good luck,
Marnie

PS - Please tell me how things go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sent from The Crusader (male/16-18):
How does one develop the personal courage or whatever needed to deal with members of the opposite sex on a dating basis. I have never been able to bring myself to ask a girl out...I always know that I'd like to, but I can never seem to bring myself to say the words necessary... even "Hey, you wanna see a movie?" is beyond me. What is my problem?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There's not one way to develop the courage that you're needing. People do this in all ways. If you have the self-determination, and aren't scared of being rejected, that's great. However, if you're shy, then that's something that's going to take awhile to overcome.

Besides, who ever said that you have to ask the girl face to face? It might be that you'll need to call the girl up, ya know? There's no crime in that. As long as you're doing the one that's asking, she'll be flattered and she'll find it very sweet.

A suggestion that I have would be.. get one of your guy friends who is dating someone. Have him (or even you) talk to his girlfriend, and have her talk to the girl that you want to go out on a date with. Just make it seem like it's a double date thing.. *shrugs* After that double date is over.. I know you can muster up the courage to ask her if she'd like to go out again sometime.. especially if the two of you hit it off. *grin*

I hope this helps some.. let me know how it goes..

Best Wishes,
Marnie

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

© 1997,1998 flame@sanasys.com
Last Updated: March 14, 1999
Since September 6, 1998:

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page