One day a redneck widow goes into the local newspaper office and said that she
would like to have her recently deceased husband's obituary placed in the
newspaper. The clerk says not a problem that it will be 50 cents per word. the
widow then said let it read "Billy-Bob died." Astounded by the widow's
thriftiness he exclaims that obituaries have a seven word minimum. Then the
widow slowly paces the floor for a few minutes and approaches the desk and
says okay have it say "Billy-Bob died 1983 pickup for sale."
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There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a
nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you
read Marx?" The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the
wicker chairs." -----------------------------------------------------------------

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD
Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why
I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man:"I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man:"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman:"Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
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A man who was an avid golfer finally got a once in a lifetime chance for an
audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he got to the Pope and
said, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf,
and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me
if there is?" The Pope considered for a moment, and replied, "I do not know the
answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back with you."
The next day, the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stood before the Pope, who said, "My son, I have
some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good
news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine
and is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth to shame .... "The
bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow morning."--------------------

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The
manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and
said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how." ---------------------

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife, which is called monotony. ---------------

Button Sayings...

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on yourplanet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Nice perfume... but must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. -------------------------

Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really
repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be
dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. ----------------

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, cud ye be
after givin' me a pint o' brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I
could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me
lad," she responded, "tis only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It
will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And was she wasted!!
She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird,
right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and
exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame on ye! Ye told me the brandy was
fer the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it tis, me lad, so it tis. When the Mother Superior sees me like this, I'm truly believin', she's going to shit!" -------------------------------------

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to,
"Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you
walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here
& it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said,
"No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever &
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in
spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for
this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam & was a
companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was
pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass
that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be
with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him
of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And
Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a shit
one way or the other. ----------------------------------------