Dear Dr. Holmes:I hope you can help me with my six year old son. He seems to always be touching himself in his private parts and his body responds. His teacher called my attention to it. She said she tried to get him to stop on her own, first by speaking to him in private and then later by calling his attention to it in public but so far nothing has changed. She told me that she strongly feels my son should have special attention, but when I made an appointment with the school’s counselor, all she told me was that I should see a psychiatrist.
I made an appointment for my little boy to see one, but I was told that I had to wait one month. I don’t think his teacher can last that long if this behavior continues. His teacher suggested we (his parents) may be misbehaving in front of him-watching pornographic movies that, without our meaning to, he may have seen or becoming too amorous away from our bedroom-but that are not the sort of things my husband and I would ever do. We are very private people. Besides, we would never jeopardize his mental health this way!
Is there anything we can do for or with our son so that this problem behavior doesn’t continue? Would it help to go to an endocrinologist? Could this be a case of early puberty? He seems to have a normal physical appearance; i.e., no pubic hair or genital enlargement. But are there things I should be looking for but am missing? The only thing out of the ordinary that I can see are his erections when he touches himself.
I hope you can help me. Thank you and more power!
CONCERNED MOM
Dear CONCERNED MOM:Thank you very much for your letter. I have what I think is very good news for you. Based on what you told me, it is very clear that your son is a normal boy and is not suffering from the effects of early puberty. A boy’s having erections at 6 years of age is not a sign of early puberty at all, but more a normal reaction to the stimulation of his penis. Erections begin even before birth. They are normal and a sign of health. What is abnormal is his teacher’s response to what is going on.
I realize she has to keep a certain amount of discipline in the class, but her reaction seems a bit much, not to mention her accusations regarding the possible cause for his behavior. But even this is not totally bad news: Get rid of the cause (your son’s masturbating in front of her) and I am fairly certain you will get rid of her over reaction.
The problem is more linked to the public display of what he does, rather than to what he does per se. You will thus need to help him understand that, even though touching his penis and getting erections feel good, other people may not want to see him doing it. It’s not because it is bad behavior, and certainly not because he is bad, but because they don’t want to see anyone doing anything so private in public. Even though they themselves may enjoy doing what he does, they take care to do it in private the way they expect him to do so too.
Six years old is old enough to understand that there is a type of “personal” activity that is best done in private. Other examples of such “personal” activity best done in private are making utot (farting) or making kulangot (picking one’s nose).
Clinicians who work with children treated for frequent public masturbation often stress how important it is for parents, teacher and other adults to continue to show affection toward the child. You can praise your son when he doesn’t touch himself in public or, more to the point in your case, agree on a treat he’d like as a reward for not masturbating in front of others for some set period of time. Be sure to make it clear that this doesn’t mean he has to stop touching himself all together, just to stop doing it in front of others.
All the best!
MG Holmes
(A Special Note: Watch Dr. Holmes every Tuesday and Thursday on GMA!)
(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 20 - First posted: 9-30-99)
