Dear Dr. Holmes:

I met this girl who is now considered my best friend by everybody (but me?) in high school many years ago. When we were sixteen, she was neurotic about everything: her looks, her grades, her social life, her love life and the fact that no boys liked her. This was only a figment of her imagination because several boys did seem to like her. Now that we're both 25, she hasn't changed a bit.

She's still neurotic about all aspects of her life. All she does is whine and complain and obsess about the smallest details. The thing is, she's attractive, intelligent, and quite successful. She is also quite attractive to men and could be more so if she didn't whine so much. As a result, she's not fun to be with, and sometimes when I'm with her, I want to scream! What can I do to help her? No matter how much I affirm and support her, she just remains obstinately negative. And what do I do when I feel like throttling the life out of her when she has one of her neurotic binges?

CASSANDRA

Dear CASSANDRA:

You can do nothing to help her, since this is her problem, not yours. You might suggest she read about mood affective disorders, because it souinds like she may be experiencing one right now. While major clinical depression is one of the more common affective disorders people experience (and, in fact, one of the more common mental illnesses in the world today) I doubt this is what your friend is experiencing. It is more likely that she is suffering from dysthymia (a low grade depression that lasts longer than 2 years). Dysthymia has been known to benefit greatly from short term therapy.

While you cannot do much to help her (except for suggesting she see a professional about her mood disorder) , you can do lots to help yourself. While it’s true we shouldn’t avoid our friends simply because they have become depressed, neither should we keep them on simply to assuage our feelings of guilt about wanting to be rid of them.

SO...ask yourself the same question Elia Kazan’s protagonist in The Arrangement did: “Is the screwing I’m getting worth the screwing I’m getting?” If it isn’t, if the whining and complaining doesn’t measure up to the validation you get from being with her, then see her less and less. Otherwise, you will end up just like her: constantly in situations you bitch, but dare do nothing, about.

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 16 - First posted: 8-1-99)