Dear Dr. Holmes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years now. I'm proud to say that we are both virgins, but we indulge in a lot of foreplay.

The thing is; he ejaculates immediately, sometimes three or four times during foreplay alone. Is this a case of premature ejaculation? Is it serious? I would like to enjoy having sex together, but it seems he's the only one who enjoys it. What can we do?

Pissed off in Pampangga

Dear POIP (Pissed off in Pampangga):

Thank you very much for your letter and the indignation that so clearly comes across. It is a very healthy sign when women can be in love with their man and yet be objective enough to worry about possible fault lines in their relationship. It sounds like a case of premature ejaculation (more of this later) and no, it needn’t be serious. That is because an overwhelming majority of premature ejaculation is a simple case of poor learning. That is because most men learn early on that speed (rather than giving or getting pleasure) is of the essence; e.g. when their first sexual experiences are with a prostitute or under conditions where privacy was minimal. Because premature ejaculation is usually simply a matter of poor learning as opposed to passive aggressive behavior and/or unresolved hostility toward one’s partner (or even the entire female population in general) as suggested by old time psychoanalysisits can be solved by replacing that poor learning with good learning. The man learns that he is not doomed to a life of prematurity but can actually experience languid lovemaking or even hours (and not just seconds or minutes) of torrid thumping.

But first, a way to find out if your boyfriend is, indeed, suffering from premature ejaculation: Does he ejaculate quickly the three or four times you engage in foreplay? If so, then he is definitely a premature ejaculator and help might be in order. This help you might get immediately, either via a therapist or via the step-by-step guide found in the appendix of my latest book Bad Bold Brazen, which I have been told by several men have cured them of their premature ejaculation. Alternatively, you can wait to get help once you are married (and actually having sexual intercourse) to ensure that whatever help he gets in lasting longer transfers from foreplay to actual lovemaking. However, if he ejaculates quickly only the first time and then takes much longer the next few times, then he is not necessarily a premature ejaculator. Let us hope that his delay in ejacualting the second through fourth times during one encounter transfers from forplay to lovemaking. Because, even if he were to ejaculate quickly the first time, as long as he could last much longer the subsequent times inside you, then not only is it “ain’t broke, (so for God’s sake!) don’t fix it,” it is also time to bring out the champagne and celebrate, girl!

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 18 - First posted: 8-15-99)