Dear Dr. Holmes:
Do men really want to engage in a "menage a trois" (did I get that right?) My husband asked me if I wound consent to doing it. He said that it's every man's dream. I know way back when I was in high school and college that I had a couple of girl to girl relationships but they were never sexual. The one I had in college, we went only as far as kissing but that was it. Maybe if he gets me a little drunk I'd probably do it with someone we know. He said he won't do anything to her and that he will just watch us do some lesbian acts. I'm just afraid that it might get out of hand and I wouldn't know how I would feel about it. My husband taught me how to be more relaxed and enjoy our lovemaking. I used to be very embarrassed to do anything more than the traditional position. He didn't just teach me about the birds and the bees (that my ex-husband failed to do so), he showed me heaven and earth. We even enjoy so much when he touches himself and I touch myself and we both come together at the same time.
Thank you and more power!
KIT
Dear Kit:Thank you very much for your letter. You asked two very important questions. I will tackle the easier one today. The easier one is encapsulated in the letter above so let me answer that without further ado.
#1. Do men really want to engage in a "menage a trois" (did I get that right?) If you mean having a threesome during sex: two girls and one man, two men and one girl and/or, for that matter, three men and/or three women, yes you got that right. And no, not all men want to engage in menage a trois, although a lot of men might admit to wanting to if pushed enough and reassured that their answers wouldn't come back to haunt them.
#2. Maybe if he gets me a little drunk I'd probably do it with someone we know. He said he won't do anything to her and that he will just watch us do some lesbian acts. I'm just afraid that it might get out of hand and I wouldn't know how I would feel about it. (Do you think it would be okay then if these conditions were met?) Frankly, I don't know what conditions would make your having a menage a trois okay or, indeed, if any conditions would ever make it okay with you. And that's okay, KIT. You don't have to want to-or even consent to do this with your husband to be a good wife. It would be terrific (for him) if you did, but if it isn't that terrific for you, then it might not be terrific for the marriage if you force yourself to simply to please him.
#3. My husband taught me how to be more relaxed (about) our lovemaking. He didn't just teach me about the birds and the bees, he showed me heaven and earth. He sounds quite a guy, your husband does. I hope he is consistent enough a teacher to help you realize that saying no to something that may not be intrinsically bad but is merely uncomfortable for you (menage a trois for example) may be pretty good for starters, but having your husband not only begrudgingly accept, but actually support and relish your decision, is true bliss (and the beginning of heaven).
#4. My husband asked me if I wound consent to doing it. He said that it's every man's dream. Actually, I have a confession to make. This last point is something most columnists may convince themselves is merely a typo (and they may well be right) but I cannot let go of what I think is a Freudian slip germane to your present concern. The seventh word of your sentence should read would instead of what you actually wrote which is wound.
I feel you wrote wound because deep inside, this is what you would feel if you did as he asked. I do not ordinarily champion every letter writer this way; but your entire letter projects a woman who is rational and generous in spirit. You would do everything you could to please your husband. The fact that this menage a trois bothers you so much means you shouldn't do it or you should at least write to me again so we can explore further options, okay?
All the best!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 4 No. 6 - First posted: 7-31-00)
