Dear Dr. Holmes:

I seem to have orgasms more when I play with myself than when I have sex with my partner. What could be my problem?

SHERRY

Dear Sherry:

Your “problem” could be that you are like the majority of women the world over who do have more orgasms (either more in intensity, duration, frequency, all three or a permutation thereof) by themselves rather than with a partner. There are several reasons for this and, not knowing all that much about you, I couldn’t hazard a guess about the reasons in your particular situation. However, offhand, there are two major reasons women have more/better/more intense orgasms on their own rather than with a partner:

(1) their partners don’t know what they want/need during sex and thus cannot/do not supply the stimulation most beneficial for knee-trembling orgasms. This is not necessarily the partners’ faults as oftentimes the women do not tell them what they want/need. This is not necessarily the women’s faults either because sometimes the women themselves don’t know what it is they want/need to have skyrocketing orgasms.

(2) they feel safer on their own than they do when they are with their partners. As we all know, good sex is not a matter of mere physical stimulation, but depends on a lot of things: the right time, place, atmosphere and partner.

An example of the right time: not when you are worried that you may be unable to make your children’s bacon on time even if your husband does like early morning sex.

The right place: not in the car on the way home when you are 48 years old and therefore not as flexible nor agile nor, indeed, as adventurous as you used to be and find the seats far more uncomfortable than the bed.

The right atmosphere: not when you are in the middle of the living room and you are worried that your children may walk in (however, in the middle of the dining room when one has no concerns over privacy isn’t so bad (can be damn good, in fact!).

The right partner: Numerous studies have shown that women find it more difficult than men to compartmentalize love and sex. To a woman, the quality of her relationship is just as important (if not even more so) in determining the quality of the sex between them as the number of thrusts or the size of his penis. Thus, if a woman doesn’t trust her partner, if she doesn’t feel safe with him, he can be the most technically proficient lover in the world and still, she may have difficulty coming with him.

If any of the above reasons resonate with or trigger other responses that seem close to-or are entirely different from-your situation please write me again and let’s see what we can do.

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 14 - First posted: 7-26-99)