Dear Dr. Holmes:

I am going to marry a young lady from the Philippines and would like to know the sexual ways of the Philippine female or woman (whichever you prefer). What is acceptable, what is not, from oral sex to swallowing sperm, to exchanging the spit (darting it in & out of the mouths etc.)? I really need to know everything. Also, What are the wrongs and rights of a Philippine lady & a black man falling in LOVE, with marriage in near future? What can be expected? What not to do? What not to say? Don't hold back, I need to know everything you are willing to inform me. And by the way, you may not believed in this, but what is your horoscope sign? Me, I am a Libra :-). Please reply or send me a little note when to go to your Website.

Thank you, Dr. Holmes.

ERNEST

Dear ERNEST:

Thank you very much for your letter and for reassuring me I needn’t hold back, something I still have to do, however, mainly because I know neither you nor the Philippine woman you have in mind. As I’m sure you know by now, sex is an intensely personal matter and whatever happens between two people depends on many things. There are the cultural admonitions, restrictions and the acceptable gender interactions each has grown up with. How far you and she go sexually (and how quickly) will also depend on how strongly each adheres to the particular beliefs your culture has espoused. It also makes it a whole lot easier for you both if the distance (cultural, moral) between your two cultures is not that wide.

Finally, it depends on the resources each of you have and, just as importantly, on the level of commitment you two have for each other.

Let me give you an example: A stereotypical description of Filipino culture is that you "look but don't touch." She may believe in this strongly and have never allowed anybody to so much as get within two feet of her. But you are the first man she has ever really loved and she thus wants to express this love for you physically. However, being new to all this, she has no clue as to where, when or, indeed, how this can be done in a way most pleasing to you. Being in love with her yourself, you don't wish to push her too hard and yet don't want to have traveled all these miles just to get the smiling approval of all her relatives. So, what do you do? You walk the thin and delicate line of being reassuring, understanding and culturally sensitive on the one side and also of being masterful, responsive and perhaps even ever-so-slightly-horny-and-letting-her-know on the other. There will be a push-pull attraction between what is acceptable for you both but whatever the final outcome, it will have to be something you both can not only live with (one can grit through lots of things for many years), but one you are both comfortable with. It is best for you to realize that, no matter how patient you may be, the creativity required to go against all she's learned without going nuts on you might just be too much for her to deal with…in which case it may be better to wait. .. But then again, all she may need is a judicious nudge at the right time, at the right place, and she will fall right into your lap (your hands, your mouth) like a ripe peach on a sweltering summer afternoon.

Another scenario is a woman who is spunky enough to go against the sexual strictures she's been brought up with as long as she is sure she loves the man. And for some, that certainty only comes after the wedding ceremony is over.

I admire you greatly for wishing to be culturally sensitive but perhaps it is wisest to ask your lady love what she prefers, best prefers and is most comfortable with. I am tempted to add: If she is truly Filipina, she may not tell you directly, but hope you either (1) are patient and magaling (sexually adept) enough to coax it out of her or (2) love her enough to do whatever she says." But that may merely be encouraging some kind of sexual harrassment, not to mention confirming the cultural stereotype of Filipinas behaving "hele bele bago quiere" (protesting against and yet wanting nothing more than being kissed, carressed, etc.), so forget this paragraph and move on to the next, okay? ERNEST, I admire you for trying to be culturally sensitive and hope you continue to be so; not forgetting, however, that being responsive to her individual needs (and yours too!) is just as important. Sex is great and negotiating what is okay and not okay is not only important but can be damn exciting, (especially, but not necessarily) if the context under which all this is done is love and (impending) marriage as seems to be your case. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

All the best!

MG Holmes

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 13 - First posted: 7-18-99)