Dear Dr. Holmes:

I've always been amazed by the way you handle sexual questions being asked of you. I am so glad that you already have a website where you can disseminate your expertise. I'm 23 and sexually active. I was devirginized by my 2nd boyfriend when I was 19. Unlike many others who willingly gave "it", that wasn't the case with me. I didn't shout rape or whatever but during my relationship with him, I didn't enjoy any single minute that he forced me into bed with him. I did go to bed with him for fear that he might destroy my family's name so I was left with no choice but to do so. My orgasms were always faked and I guess that's where I mastered the art of faking orgasms.

I broke up with that guy after a serious courtroom drama. Then, I found a new lease on my love life when I met my 3rd boyfriend (who is now my fiance). I went to bed with him less than a month into the relationship. I was surprised with myself and why I agreed to do so, but I felt that I really loved him and I shouldn't let the past interfere with my present state. My fiance asked me whether I did it with him just because "hinahanap ng katawan ko" (my body was just craving sex) or if I really did it out of feeling love for him. I answered the latter because as I've said, my past sexual experiences were not worth remembering and feeling. That first encounter led to a second, third, fourth and now we're doing it quite regularly, about 3-5 times per session, 3-4 times a week.

I'm here because I just want to know why there are times that I really can't reach orgasm. In the almost 3 years that we've been doing it, I guess it's only about 5 or 6 times that I really felt it. I don't know if the size of his penis has something to do with this. He's only about 5 1/2 inches. But then, I do feel horny whenever he touches me in those secret and private parts. I really like it when I'm on top but there are only certain times that he likes that. He still wants to be the one doing it all. I also love it when we have oral sex. But these things are still not enough for me to reach my peak at most times. My fiance is always horny for me and there are times when I try to decline his requests because I don't have feelings of sexual excitement at all (even if I want to do it also). When this happens, sometimes I resort to faking my orgasm just to show him that I want it too. We do it at about 3-5 times per session, and out of that, sometimes I fake it twice at the least and thrice at the most.

I'm taking pills and I've read that pills can really decrease a woman's libido, is this true? Before I started using the pill, things were just fine with my sexual feelings, but then I realized the drastic change when I went on the pill. I'm taking pills because I don't want to get pregnant at this time and upon the advice of my doctor because of my irregular periods. Is there something I can do to improve my libido? My relationship with my fiance has already gone beyond the limits of trials and challenges and we already have plans of getting married. We are already a very intimate pair, so to speak, and we both love it this way. Having sex is one way that we really affirm our love for each other. However, I don't want my situation to go on like this forever. Do my past sexual experiences still have an effect on me. Please enlighten me about this matter.

Thank you very much and I'm looking forward to your enlightening advice regarding my problem. More power and God bless.

Sincerely yours,
Confused Faker

Dear CONFUSED FAKER:

Thank you very much for your letter. Yes, one’s past can have an impact on one’s present sex life. If at all in your case, I would guess that it would be whenever your fiance seems to act as bossily as your first boyfriend, as in, and I quote: “I really like it when I'm on top but there are only certain times that he likes that. He still wants to be the one doing it all.” Think about it, CF. Is this not reminsicent of your first boyfriend’s calling all the shots?

If so, and should this have any impact on your sex life, (and it could well not have) then puwedeng puwede itong pag-usapan (you both seem in love enough with each other to try your best to make this work).

What seems to be the critical factor in your case, however, is not the past, but the present; particularly your present birth control pill. It is very smart of you to take the pill to prevent pregnancy and to help regulate your periods. However, you need not take the particular pill you are currently taking. Talk to your physician about this so he or she can prescribe another pill and if things remain the same after two, three months (or however long it takes for you to get used to a new pill), try another. It seems a pity that, after waiting so long for good, validating and exciting sex, you should be stymied by the wrong brand of pill, especially when there are so many good ones around. All you need is enough time and patience to find the one most hiyang (most suitable) to you.

While no one ever “deserves” bad sex, a rare few “deserve” not only good, but absolutely fantastic sex. You, my darling used-to-be faker, are one of them, so go for it!!

All the best!

MG Holmes

P.S. - I got so carried away by your letter, I forgot one caveat: Don’t feel you have to come each and every time you make love. Many women come only 50%, some 20% some 10% of the times they make love and that is okay too.

Ingat!

MGH

(BodyMind Vol. 3 No. 10 - First posted: 6-8-99)